Quote of the day...er...week...umm...hey, look, a quote!!

Tibi gratias agimus quod nihil fumas.

It says "...freedom of...", not "...freedom from...".

"It's amazing to me how many people think that voting to have the government give poor people money is compassion. Helping poor and suffering people is compassion. Voting for our government to use guns to give money to help poor and suffering people is immoral self-righteous bullying laziness. People need to be fed, medicated, educated, clothed, and sheltered, and if we're compassionate we'll help them, but you get no moral credit for forcing other people to do what you think is right. There is great joy in helping people, but no joy in doing it at gunpoint." - Penn Jillette







Friday, June 26, 2009

Open Letters From A Fellow Borders Patron

Dear Man With Three Daughters at the Bookstore,

I am delighted that you braved the wilds of Borders bookstore with three young girls. Kudos to you for encouraging literacy!

I'd like to point out, though, that while a bookstore isn't a library, it's generally thought courteous to keep the volume to a dull roar while inside the building. Also? Perhaps other patrons would like the opportunity to find tomes where they were originally shelved, and not where your delightful brood sees fit to place them when done giggling at the title, the dust jacket, or the contents, thumbing through the pages, and pre-bending the corners for the purchaser's convenience. I know I'm asking much of you, sir, and your children - walking those thirteen steps back to the shelf is so tiresome, such a boor, it almost seems wrong of me to ask it...and, after all, the employees of said store are paid to keep it tidy...

You may wish to instruct your young ladies that a stage whisper is as good as a shout, and if they find another Bookstore patron's appearance amusing or worthy of attention, they may wish to keep that to themselves or learn to communicate telepathically.

When leaving the store after having pawed through the bargain bins (consequently leaving them in complete disarray), you may want to have your gaggle precede you, so that you may retrieve the trail of liter they see fit to deposit on the floor, the sidewalk, and the tarmac rather than in the rubbish bins so inconveniently placed three feet from the exit. I know it's out of the way, but your fellow shoppers will thank you for taking the time and trouble when they don't step on bubble gum, cello-wrap, or price stickers peeled from newly purchases literature (although, I am loathe to call anything with Hannah Montana on it "literature").

Your inattention did have one unforeseen benefit, though - I burned an extra calorie retrieving the detritus of your passing and placing it in the trash, so I owe you thanks for that! Enjoy your reading material, girls...and next time, perhaps you'd rather patronize Barnes and Noble? I hear they don't mind your sort of behavior, there...

Shade and Sweetwater,
K
~~~~~
Dear Man with the Cell Phone Set on Stun,

Welcome to the public, sir!

I know I am always delighted when the inmates are give a day-pass from Arkum. Are you enjoying the weather? And how about that large blended drink you purchased in the cafe? Lovely, isn't it?

Comfy in that leather chair? Yes, it is rather nice, although I think you may find it more enjoyable if you actually sat in it rather than sprawled, legs spread, feet sticking out into the aisle between tables - but then, I have peculiar ideas about comfort.

I must say, I haven't seen headphones of that size or scope since the seventies - not that I speak from experience...ahem. Hi-Fi all the way, friend! Whatever you were listening to certainly had a solid bass beat - I could feel it all the way over in my little corner of paradise (also known at the Borders Cafe)!

Being a musician myself, I understand how a good tune merits one's attention, toe tapping, knee slapping, and occasional grunt. I would never wish to tell an avid listener that they should pay less attention to the audio art they're enjoying, and I'm loathe to draw attention to what can only have been an oversight on your part, but...

...it is only polite, sir, to turn down, or even off, your cell phone while in the store. I know, I know, you're waiting for a call from UNOS about your new kidney, and I am a heartless wench for even suggesting that receiving a call from your lass-of-the-moment is anything but vital. I shall have to live with the shame, I suppose. I'm selfish, that way.

If you are going to play your music so loudly that patrons in the Pych section think they're hearing voices...then please set your phone on silent, or better yet, turn it off. And, when it has rung and rung and finally garnered your attention, would it be too much trouble to ask you pause your aural assault on our senses, remove the headphones, and perhaps answer in a conversational tone that doesn't leave our ears ringing? I wouldn't dare remind you that it would be even better to take the call outside for the duration - that is, I know, beyond the pale.

Whatever language you were mumbling (and, sir, I would like to know how one may mumble at a shout, because that? Is a neat trick!), I wonder if the "F" word you used has the same meaning for you as it does the English speakers around you? Worth looking into, if only to save yourself the disgusted and annoyed glares you so unfairly received last night.

There's a Books-a-Million not far from where you sat, friend - may I suggest you try visiting their cafe next time you've got furlough?

Shade and Sweetwater,
K
~~~~~
Dear Woman With a Pile of Magazines,

Madame, frankly I am in awe.

Having seen photos of the Leaning Tower of Pisa, I recognized immediately your reconstruction of the same using glossy, colorful fashion magazines a your medium! Brava, madam artista, brava!

Leaving it behind for all to enjoy was the height of generosity, and on behalf of all the patrons who didn't want to read those magazines anyway, and the Cafe employees who keep the place tidy and are always happy to have something to busy themselves with, I wish to thank you. I'm sure no one wanted to sit at that table, anyway.

I hear that Barnes and Nobles encourages table art, should you desire to create another masterpiece...

Shade and Sweetwater,
K
~~~~~
Dear Woman With An Armload of Full Priced Books,

Bless you, ma'am!

Bless you for waiting so patiently in line to pay for your new library, and bless you for not even blinking at the fact they were full-priced. Bless you for not batting an eye at your total, and for helping stimulate the economy by paying cash rather than taxing the credit system even more with your purchase.

You were so sweet to decline my offer to go ahead of me in line, but I really didn't mind - after all, my two small paperback books were hardly an effort to carry, and you had at least a dozen hard-covers in that load. I really didn't mind, and I'm glad you finally, graciously, accepted. My arms were tired just looking at you, so you did me a service!

If I may offer a bit of advice, ma'am? I hear that Barnes and Noble and Books-a-Million are full of rowdy teenage girls, magazine sculptors, and noisy young men, so I'd stick to Borders if I was you.

Shade and Sweetwater,
K

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

If only those people actually read your comments....kudos to you and thank you for the smile.

Fergie said...

Being a former employee of the Borders store you're trying to help out, I recognize each and every one of the criminals... erm... patrons you wrote about.

Might I suggest to management that your lovely letters of encouragement be posted on the wall for all to see what a pleasant atmosphere they are contributing to? If not, perhaps their lovely personalities would be more welcome at Barnes & Noble.

MomZombie said...

This is precisely why I go to the independent bookstores. Well done.

Gypsy Guru said...

Please, PLEASE - Stop sending them to Barnes and Noble... I LIKE shopping there!

I still really love this post, despite the misguided redirections.

(M grins a goofy grin)

Kyddryn said...

Anon, my pleasure - thanks for popping by!

Fergie, I fear that the people in question wouldn't recognize themselves...sigh...

MomZonbie, there aren't any independents around these parts, dang it!

Gypsy, girl, I can't help it...I love my Borders...but I'll try to be nice to B&N for your sake...'cause you know I Loooooooves youuuuuuuu...

foolery said...

You are a master letter-writer. If ever I need to tell someone of definitively but have them be none the wiser, I'm calling YOU. : )