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Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Food for the Road and a Letter

When driving long distances, I like to enjoy the scenery, enjoy some music, enjoy the journey...but I don't like to stop. At least, not for meals. I'll stop for a giant ball of twine or the world's largest rubber-band collection, but to eat? Meh.

I usually pack a cooler full of water, fruits and vegetables, and maybe some cheese. Laughing Cow cheese is quite possibly the quintessential road cheese.

Sometimes, though, all that healthy stuff just isn't doing it for me, and I have to stop for the unholy quartet.

I bet you have one...an unholy quartet (or trio, or duet, or...you get the drift).

The combination guaranteed to pare a month off my life? Vault soda, Bugles (original flavor), Slim Jims and Whatchamacallit bars.

Feeling a little green, yet?

It may sound horrid, but I can get by on it for a few days before my innards rebel.

There's a problem, though, with the unholy quartet...read on, friends, read on...

Dear Con Agra (makers of the miracle food Slim Jim),

Allow me to open by saying I adore your product, Slim Jim original flavor. I've seen some of your newfangled flavors, but I'll stick with the classic, thanks.

Since my youth, I've enjoyed this spicy meat snack, even going so far as to turn it into a favorite redneck hors d'oeuvre by making a little bed of Cheez-Whiz on a Pringle and placing a piece of Slim Jim on top. Yum!

I do have a small complaint, though.

It's a little thing, really - I'm almost embarrassed to bring it to your attention.

You sell your delightful collations in convenience stores so that folks like me, on the road, may enjoy them at any time. Kudos for your thoughtfulness! To facilitate opening the package, you make a little score in the wrapper, a slit that should allow the consumer to tear open the plastic and devour the slender sausage with gusto.

Alas, Con Agra, your opening gambit is a fail.

Imagine a driver toodling down the road at something close to the speed limit, perhaps a wee over. She has been on the road for some time, is more than a little caffeinated, and in need of something fatty, meaty, and spicy to help steady her nerves. Hands still on the wheel, she attempts to open her Slim Jim using the pre-cut plastic, but she is denied. Instead of tearing neatly down the side and allowing access to her meaty treat, the plastic tears jaggedly off to the side, leaving her no way to get at her snack!

She is a wily consumer, though, and merely flips the Slim Jim over to try from the other end...and has the same result! Now, Con Agra, she has a Slim Jim that she cannot safely get into while driving, and she is loathe to pull off the road to wrestle with it.

While tempted to fling the offending sausage snack out the window to languish, unloved, by the roadside, she opts to gnaw her way through the plastic wrapper, a method sure to amuse her fellow motorists and give her dentist fits.

Determined, she finally wins through the sheathing to her prize - a flavorful, heart-attack inducing snack treat!

Con Agra, please consider changing your packaging - not the cheerful red and yellow colors, nor even the shape and size...but perhaps you could consider the easier pull-n-peel method of opening? I know it may shorten the half life shelf life of your fine product, but a few hundred years less preservation is a fair trade for ease of dining, don't you agree? And think of the motor vehicle accidents you'll prevent!

Thanks for your time and attention, Con Agra, makers of the Slim Jim, perfect road food of discerning drivers all over the world.

Shade and Sweetwater,


Momlady said...

I think you should actually send the letter to Con Agra. They might even hire you to design their packaging! Tee hee

Not The Rockefellers said...

They have merely made the package Child proof ..get Evil Genuis to open it... :D

If he's not available, Sorry... I got nuthin'

Peace - Rene

Slim Jims taste like spicy shoelaces...but that's just me.

You go on girl, snap into 'em

HermitJim said...

Hey K...just do what I do! Eat 'em plastic wrapper and all! A little extra fiber is a good thing, right?

Can't get it opened? Just go ahead and take a big bite anyway!

Kit said...

OMG!! LOL, you should definitely send this letter. At the very least, it should brighten the day for a few people. I know I enjoyed it.

MereCat said...

I am serious, Con Agra! I love the Slim Jim and I always get hosed by the packaging. It's like a big tease. There you are having ripped off that little triangle, your only way into the juicy goodness, and now there is no way peel it from it's plastic skin. One can go at it with nails, teeth, church keys, and at best you are left with a bite or two before being faced with another bout of package wrestling madness!

Cygnus MacLlyr said...

The perfect chain/ petition letter! ha! As always, Sweet Writing, Shade Lade!


Kyddryn said...

Momlady, maybe I will...I wonder if they need a taste-tester??

Mizz Rene, I am convinced that Slim Jims are proof that there are redneck gods.

Mister Hermit, Sir, my dentist would like a word with you...

Kit, thanks...perhaps I shall...right after I send out that query letter...

Merecat...I...I...I...I think I love you!

Cygnus, thank you, Sir...feel free to copy and paste at will!