I am five.
I go to school at home because Mommy says you don't inflict an Evil Genius on the unsuspecting public school system. I asked her what "inflict" means and she said I should look it up. I will as soon as I can spell it. I asked what "unsuspecting" means. She said I should guess. I know what Evil Genius means.
We went to the bank yesterday and Mommy gave me a quarter for the gum machine. There was a little kid there and he was first, so I waited my turn, but he couldn't do it do I helped him because you have to help little kids when they need it. He got a big gum, but I wanted the small ones so I got small gums - five of them!
Yesterday, Mommy let me have a cheeseburger from Burger King, and guess what? The Pickle Fairy been at Burger King! There were three pickles on my cheeseburger! Three! Mommy said it was a pickle
Mommy asked me if The Pickle Fairy was busy, putting all those pickles on cheeseburgers. I said she has a secret way to get inside when they're closed to get all her work done - she digs underneath. That's her secret - she tunnels under when it's closed and puts pickles on everything.
Mommy liked Burger Chef when she was little. She liked to peel the top bun off her cheeseburger and take the pickles off, then eat the cheeseburger and then the pickles. Mommy is weird.
She thinks pickles from Burger King taste like soap. She's funny!
She likes fried pickles, though.
I like the apple fries, too. I ate them first. There was a box and some sauce, but I didn't want them, just the apples. I like apples. Do you? I offered to share with Mommy, but she didn't want any, even though I bit them all to make sure they were good apples.
I have three loose teeth. One of them is wiggly, and I can move it a lot with my tongue. The dentist told me I should save it and The Tooth Fairy would give me something for it. Mommy didn't tell me about The Tooth Fairy, just the Pickle Fairy. And the Cheese Fairy. And The Poo Dragon who lives in the septic tank and so that's why we poop in the potty so The Poo Dragon can turn poo into earth and make all the trees happy. Mommy is funny. I asked her if The Poo Dragon ate the poo or was made of poo, and she laughed and said I had a funny
Uh-oh, I have to go now - Mommy is awake and I'm not supposed to play on the computer in the morning, and I'm not allowed on the Internet because Mommy says I will reprogram it and crash the world. Or maybe she just thinks it's not safe, even though I'm the only one who can go on the Internet and be safe, but she really doesn't think so and so I have to go before she catches me. You won't tell, will you?