Quote of the day...er...week...umm...hey, look, a quote!!

Tibi gratias agimus quod nihil fumas.

It says "...freedom of...", not "...freedom from...".

Nolite te bastardes carburundorum!

"It's amazing to me how many people think that voting to have the government give poor people money is compassion. Helping poor and suffering people is compassion. Voting for our government to use guns to give money to help poor and suffering people is immoral self-righteous bullying laziness. People need to be fed, medicated, educated, clothed, and sheltered, and if we're compassionate we'll help them, but you get no moral credit for forcing other people to do what you think is right. There is great joy in helping people, but no joy in doing it at gunpoint." - Penn Jillette

Friday, August 22, 2008

Boys With Toys

Warning: This post will offend anyone who hasn't experienced the joys of raising a small boy, or a teenager, or an adult male for that matter. Read at your own risk - the author takes no responsibility for any emotional scarring or blindness that may occur. It'll help to read this with a sense of humor. You've been warned.

OK, now that the disclaimer's over with...

If you don't have a son, or a small boy, teenager, or adult male in your life, you might not get this. If you grew up in a tribe consisting of only women, you really won't understand.

What is it with boys and their...erm...junque?

Really...the Evil Genius has to be reminded dozens of times a day (sometimes an hour) that he is not to have his penis out in public, most times "public" being defined as anywhere but his bedroom or bathroom (which I have deemed appropriate places for him to have the little feller out for...whatever), especially anywhere other people can see it.

Does he listen? Nope. Seconds later, he's at it again, pulling it out through the flap in his underwear, or out the side through the leg hole, or just walking around clutching the entire package through the fabric with a far away look on his face.

Y'all, he's five-and-a-half. Now, I know they play with in in the womb, and when they figure out their chubby baby hands can be controlled, they start up again once they're out in the world...but honestly, if playing with yourself really could make you go blind, he'd be wearing dark glasses and walking with a cane or a dog or something.

I don't have an issue with him and his favorite pastime - I get it, really. Still, every now and then I want to remind him that that thing is attached, so please quit pulling on it like it's made of rubber, and no, I really am not interested in how many ways you can make it bounce up and down or side to side, thank you, and if you keep doing that it's going to stay that way!

I had no idea they were so...stretchy. I didn't really want to know, to be honest - while I think the male anatomy can be an endless source of amusement for those who consent to get involved with it, I wasn't really game for enduring my son's marathon self-amusement years. Neither is anyone else. Our poor roommate, J, is afraid to look away from the television on the rare occasions he emerges from the troll hole his room to join us for an evening, because the Evil Genius is waving his penis around like a lasso. I swear, the kid's going to tie it in knots one of these days...

Last week, I had to utter a sentence I would never have thought necessary (and before I had my own kid, I spent nearly twenty years raising or teaching other people's children - you'd think this would have come up) - I had to tell my son not to play with his penis and then pick his nose. Unable to leave well enough alone, I went beyond the call of duty (and the bounds of sanity) and explained that was like sticking your penis up your nose. Yeah, he laughed until he nearly wet himself and I realized I'd made a tactical error. Sigh.

When it's just us at home, I'm not all that pressed - but he really needs to learn to keep his hands North of the Mason-Dixon when we have company or are out in the world. I'm considering one of those shock collars they make for dogs...but then he'll end up on the cover of some funky S&M/B&D magazine* when he's twenty, I just know it.

So what's a gal to do?

*Not that there's anything wrong with that if it's what you're into - but do you really think your mother wants to know she's the reason you all done up in a gimp suit?? Yeah, I didn't think so.


Writer Dad said...

My boy only plays with his in the bath, but that's also where he makes up for lost time. He calls it his "Pee-pee hot dog."

Kyddryn said...

I cringe sometimes when I see how rough he is with it...I mean, really...is it SUPPOSED to bend that way??

Mamma Schmoo said...

LOL....I have all girls and so have not had any of the experiences that you speak of.

Andy said...

Listen, I used to touch my penis 24/7 until the age of 11. It's not that it's a disorder or anything. I guess it's just a habit. Have you ever had a bad habit where you just couldn't stop, it was just too comfortable to do, and it just became apart of your daily routine? Each kid has there own thing. Some kids wipe boogers on the wall, some hit themselves, some suck on their thumb, some mess with their underwear, some run around in the nude, and I've even heard one kid that ate his own crap once. Unless it gets too extreme like some of the things in the list I mentioned above; unless he is physically hurting himself.There is nothing to worry about; these are very common characteristics of children. In a few years he will grow out of it. As a mother, just show him love, and gradually tell him to not touch himself in front of company. Don't punish him.

Kyddryn said...

Mama Schmoo, I've heard stories about little girls...lol...they're just better at hiding it!

Andy, no fear - I really have raised a LOT of kids besides mine, and I know it's nothing to worry about. It IS funny, though, and terrific blog fodder. I wouldn't punish a child for behaving naturally (as well be angry he's breathing)- I just remind him that his penis is for his bathroom or bedroom and leave it at that. Until he grows out of it, though, I reserve the right to laugh about his behavior - it's one of the perks of being a mum, after all!

chris said...

LOL...Boys will be boys. I have three boys so I know what you mean...

noble pig said...

That's hilarious. I don't know why they do it, it's the y chromosome complex.

But yeah there's nothing that makes you cringe more as a mother than when they start up in public.UGH!

Ginaagain said...

Thankfully my sons never did anything in public but my middle son fell asleep with his hands down his pants every night until he was 9. I have a great picture of my husband, at about 6yrs old, tightly holding on to his jumblies and looking dreamy. LOL

Boys are very strange.

MereCat said...

My 17 month old son has an amicable yet reserved relationship with his penis. It has yet to become the center of attention which I'm sure it will. The only good news is that his twin sister is likely to make sure it stays in his pants, because, get this, if he pulls it out, she will probably want to play with it too! What the hell am I going to do with that one? This is going to be an interesting ride.

Kyddryn said...

Y'all, thanks for joining in the absurdity...it's nice to know other folks can laugh at the oddities of childhood.

Merecat - you have my sympathies, ma'am! Perhaps it will not come up - and if it does, perhaps you'll have had time to explain about private versus public parts.