Quote of the day...er...week...umm...hey, look, a quote!!

"...besides love, independence of thought is the greatest gift an adult can give a child." - Bryce Courtenay, The Power of One

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Sunday, November 8, 2009

Dreamgirl

Once upon a time, a long time ago...when most stories begin, in a house far, far away, where most stories take place, there lived a girl with her mother...

Well...I wasn't a girl, really. Technically I was past"girl" and well into at least "young woman", closer to"adult" and "hey, why aren't you making payments on your own house by now?".

I had a few friends, not many.

One of my friends was a nice young man, handsome fellow, bisexual and coming to terms with that. He was a poet, clever, and good-hearted. Of course, I had a wicked crush on him. Of course, I didn't dare say or do anything about that - I was afraid I'd run him off. That was deep into my "really, no one wants me, I fat, I'm ugly, and I'm damaged goods" phase of life, and I just knew if I made my feelings known, he'd be justifiably horrified.

We used to sit on the front steps and talk late into the night.

Of course he figured out I had feelings for him...and poor fellow, he felt just awful that he didn't reciprocate. He let me down gently, bless him, and we segued into more solid friendship without a hitch.

Except...

Well. There was one little hitch. Red haired, grey eyed, sweet and impish, she relentlessly pursued me through my dreams. I whispered her name in my sleep. Of course I knew her name...she was my daughter. Well...not really. But..really.

Every night, night after night, I dreamed about her, this little girl. She giggled, frolicked, and romped her way through my dreams. In the waking world, I saw red-headed children everywhere. They were surrounding me, suddenly.

I stopped sleeping.

I couldn't bear it, seeing this girl who never was and never would be, combination of me and my friend (he had red hair, freckles). We'd never had The Sex or anything...she was a phantom, cooked up by my brain, a combination of my heartfelt hope to one day have a daughter and my affection for my friend, meant to torture me because my brain is hurtful and mean like that.

Eventually my friend moved out of state. The dreams faded. Life went on.

From time to time, I would dream of her, and I would dread her appearance. There was no rhyme or reason to her visits - she'd pop in for a night or three and then be on her merry way without any indication why she'd come or how long she'd be gone. She didn't always look the same, but she was the same child nonetheless.

Always, I dreaded her. Not that she was evil or did anything awful...but the morning after she visited, I would wake feeling empty and hurt.

Even after I had the Evil Genius (whom I love beyond all reason), she would pay infrequent calls. I tried explaining to her that the Evil Genius was it...there would be no more children after him. Not that I can't have them, but that I won't. She doesn't care that I won't compromise Bird's quality of life to satisfy my need for a daughter. I've resisted her for nearly twenty years.

That's a long time to fight a phantom, especially one that represents something you ache for.

If I'd had her when I first dreamt of her, she'd be in college by now...coming home to do laundry, raid the fridge, terrorize the cats and horrify her mother with tales of campus life, and I'd still be losing sleep over her.

Well, she's back.

There's nothing significant in this, don't panic (I can hear my Mum's heart pounding from here). She's just a dream, and as far as I know that's all she'll ever be. She doesn't mean I'm pregnant, about to win the lottery, or eating too much cheese. Just a dream.

Katherine Saoirse, my dreamgirl, back to visit her nevermum.

No Doz, anyone?

8 comments:

cinner said...

Very interesting, thanks for sharing this story, it always makes me wonder why we dream what we do, I have never had children, I used to think what they would have looked like, but I never ever had a dream. After reading this, I kinda wish I had. Take care, be well.

Momlady said...

No, my heart doesn't pound. There must be a reason for these dreams. Could be you in another life with such a daughter, either past or future or parallel, who knows. She's in your heart, so she's in your dreams.

Anonymous said...
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Kyddryn said...

Cinner, it would be fine if I didn't feel the loss when I woke up...but I suppose a dream is better than nothing at all!

Mum, glad to hear it - when I told someone else about her, they asked me if I was pregnant! Yikes!! She'll be mine one day, of this I am certain...but likely not in this lifetime.

Anonymous, I am deleting your spam - if you want to advertise on my blog, you will have to pay for the privilege. What? I'm divorced with no income and a kid to feed, clothe, and house!

HermitJim said...

Hey, my friend! At least you have the dreams...and maybe that's better than nothing!

But what do I know? maybe it isn't better than nothing,after all...!

Good post!

Janie at Sounding Forth said...

I love her name.

This is a beautiful re-telling of your life...and it brings a question to mind.

Do you know where your red-headed friend is now?

Kyddryn said...

Well, Mister Hermit, sir...the dreams are a sweet kind of torture.

Mizz Janie, he and his partner moved out of state fifteen years ago...they're happy, doing well (I keep track through friends).

Kit said...

She can romp with my never-daughter, Lillian Ora. She doesn't haunt my dreams, but she haunts me just the same.