Idol-atry

You knew this was coming. You had to know. How could you not?

It's that time of year again. It's...American Idol!!! Cue Kermit the Frog screaming "yaaaaaaaayy", please.

Last night was the first episode of the season. I didn't post right away because I had to recover from the trauma. Now the bitch is recovered and ready to roar, so hang on to your hats and let's roll...

Let's see...where to begin? With the extra special lunacy of Glitter Girl? She actually has potential, if she'd just learn to calm her temper and take criticism...she did have a bit of Janice Joplin to her voice, and with a little work...wait, what am I saying? She lives in a basement bedroom (she called it a studio apartment...so apparently delusions are part of the insanity) with her mother, two cats, and a sausage on legs that she claimed was a dog. And she has no concept of anger management. Never mind...

Then there was the amazing and fascinating rendition of "Go Down Moses" sung through the nose and without any sense of phrasing? The fellow was nice enough...he's a tour guide in Philly, and he enjoys his work. His co-workers told him he would do great on Idol. I think if you hate someone that much, you should just say so and not play evil pranks like that on them. Really. Because no way, no how, does anyone actually think that is singing. And sweetie? It's called enunciation...eee-nuhn-seee-ayyy-shun. Learn it.

Hmm, who else? The sixteen-year-old linebacker...girl. Bless her. I liked her. She was sweet and a little shy seeming, but also fierce. She looked terrified to be in front of the judges...smart kid. She couldn't sing a lick. I actually felt awful for her. She cried, but the judges were really nice...they gave her hugs, were really quite kind to her, and they even walked her out to her family to tell them what a terrific kid she was. I loved when her father looked at Simon and asked "You weren't mean to her, were you?" Her father was a good three or four inches taller than Simon. Simon backed up, and Paula explained that they were all very nice. Poor kid...but also, good for her for standing up and trying. It's not easy being a big girl, especially when you are young....even if you're a linebacker who can break people in half. Maybe especially so.

I adored the young woman who sold her barrel pony to make the trip and try out, and was glad I didn't have to shake a chicken foot at the judges over her...they passed her on with flying colors, and I hope she does well. If you aren't a horse person, you won't understand...but she sold her barrel pony to get there - that's faith in your dreams!!

And then there was the young female dressed in some kind of polka dot Princess Lea (sp?) horror. Wow. She insisted that the only reason they passed on her was because they wanted normal. Well, duh!! They are looking for the next American Idol, not the next American Geek. She was so angry...and they were nice to her. And really? Couldn't sing. I've stepped on my cat and heard more melodious sounds.

Oh, wow...let's not forget the fellow dressed in the slave-girl outfit that Lea was in during the whole Jaba the Hut scene. Yeah, a guy. A hairy guy. A chubby, hairy guy. With full facial hair (quite neatly trimmed, though, I must say). Really...really...hirsute. Really. A lot. And, as Paula pointed out, the...umm...top...framed the chest hair beautifully. The judges told him they couldn't listen to him, being distracted by all he had on display...so he asked them if they'd let him try again after he had his chest waxed. Yes, you read that right...chest waxed. Wow. And I was impressed by the girl who sold her barrel pony! He did it, too...came back smooth as a baby. Wow. Really. He didn't even get to sing a whole word before they sent him on out of there....but wow, that was some dedication. Wax. Ouch. As Simon said, he did all that just to get on television. Well...he made it on TV and now he can spackle up that crack and hide his shame once more.

The man who sang the stalker song? Some cute lines, and if he was going for creepy/funny, he got it. Couldn't sing worth a damn, but he was scary...and some of the lyrics were kinda clever. In a stalkerish sort of way. I bet Paula got a restraining order for lunch.

There's a wonderful talent pool out there, and I'm looking forward to getting past the auditions and down to the nitty-gritty of it. I know they put the human train-wrecks on for entertainment...and I know I'm feeding into it by commenting on them...but heavens to mergatroid, there are some bizarre people in this world!! How can I ignore them?? For all the bitching and sniping that I do, I really do enjoy watching these people grow musically...they learn so much, and when they get brave and step outside their boundaries, try a new style of music, a new genre, I feel like a proud auntie. And when they screw up royally or just suck all around, then I have something to be superior and catty about. Win-win, right?

And speaking of catty...Simon wasn't anywhere near his usual insulting self...I wonder if he's well?

Ok, gotta go...I mean to post about something of substance today, too, if only to make up for this mental cotton candy.