An AI Rant

So I was reading a blog entry about AI here, (American Idol Butchers the Beatles - Part Deux ) and I left him a comment, and then he sent me a message, and then I responded to that and...whew. I was going to write more in my response to his response, but it got long, as my responses are wont to do. Then I thought, hey, I can make a whole blog post and get my snark on at the same time, and, well, a post was born.
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I've been watching AI from the start (first season), and will likely follow the show until it goes down in a hail of rotten fruit. I usually pick a favorite male and female, and they usually make it to the top five or so, but I don't vote - I am not paying them to ignore me.

I've actually had friends tell me I should go audition. I asked them why they hate me. I honestly don't know why anyone would put themselves through that mess, besides notoriety. It is obviously not about real talent or any sort of musicality.

My roommate won't watch without me - just because I can be that evil. I have called Simon a...umm...female body part...on more than one occasion for not having the stones to say what's needed. They really wouldn't want me to be a judge...

The funny thing is, I encourage people to sing, even if it's off-key. I think everyone should give voice to their song, should be allowed to find joy in musical expression. If someone tells me "oh, I can't sing", I usually respond that if they can speak, they can sing. So what if you can't carry a tune? I can't draw for shite, but that doesn't stop me from buying colored pencils and playing with them. Can't sculpt, but I play with polymer clay all the time. Just because you can't do a thing well doesn't mean you should have to give it up.

Just don't stand in front of me and put yourself in a position to be judged and get upset when I do. Now, I admit that sometimes I am a bit...harsh. I try to always give constructive criticism, but sometimes those kids aren't interested in learning - they want the fast track to big-bucks, and they have no idea what that takes. They think it's "sing a few songs on AI and make it big." How many AI winners, or even top ten placers, have you heard from recently?

You want an example of someone who thinks they're all that, just fine, a winner before they even start? Remember that weepy kid who lives in his car? The one who cried every time the wind shifted or the camera was near him? He got cocky - told the band to leave, he would sing on his own. Don't for a moment think he was just going for a style, a sound, or whatever. He thought he was that good, and he was being snotty. Rather, he was all over the place, so awful I would have thrown a shoe at him to make him stop. And then he wanted another chance. Hell, no! There are almost no second chances in show business. Seen or heard from him lately? Do you even remember his name? I don't. All I remember about him is his stupid assumption that he was that good. When someone offers you a top class band to back you, you take it. Milk it for all it's worth. Hell, go buy them drinks after hours and ask their advice. I bet that band could give some fantastic tips - they manage to keep up with the worst of these kids without so much as blinking, and if you think keeping time with an off-tempo, off-key vocalist is easy, well...you've never made the effort. Those kids have to learn one song a week - the band learns them all, note perfect and off-book every time.

I will hear every wrong note, every off tempo note, every missed, muddled, or altered lyric sung, and if I'm asked to critique, I will point them all out. I would want the same from anyone I asked the favor of. After all, the point is to learn, to correct, to grow. If a body isn't prepared to hear it, they'd best not ask. I try to temper my honesty with compassion, when it's someone I know or I can see they're really trying, but give me the attitude and all bets are off.

They have no idea how hard even bottom-tier musicians work to get gigs and keep them, to find an audience, to make it anywhere. I have seven CDs out with my band, am working on my eighth with a friend, have guest tracks on two more and one of my songs on another two, and no one knows who I am - and we've sold thousands of CDs. Granted, we have a tiny niche market (no, really, it's a niche so small, I'm amazed we all fit in it!) and I am OK with that, but still...we're a common example of a decent (yeah, I'm biased, get over it) group who won't get national play. You need a common sound, a new sound, or a gimmick and a huge break or a national label pushing you to get air time, to be seen, and there are always people breathing down your neck, waiting for you to screw up so they can take your place.

These kids on AI, they don't realize that they're stuck in a performance contract for as long as AI wants them. They're doing all the advertising and publicity for nothing more than a little exposure, and there's no guarantee beyond the first album or so. They have to do the tour, and never mind family or a life of any sort outside the AI cash machine. The only one who's made anything of herself is Carrie Underwood, and honestly she lucked into the country scene or she would have faded away, too.

One of the things that I find really sad is, some of these kids really do have a lick of talent. I get pissed off at Randy and his useless slang-laced idiocy (does he ever actually say anything??), Paula and her drunken, drug-addled, mush-mouthed rambling, and even Simon sometimes when he's a pansy-ass. They blow smoke up these kids' asses to boost ratings, but aside from Simon's occasional insight, they don't really do much to help these kids learn how to perform. They don't help them figure out stage presence, musicality, the difference between stylistic changes in a piece and completely raping it in the name of "new arrangement" or "making it theirs". If they're going to live in a fishbowl, open their lives up to investigation, gossip, intense scrutiny, the least the show's creators, producers, and participants can do is give them something worth their part in the spectacle. In the end, most of them have to reconcile themselves to a life of anonymity, maybe getting a bar gig or a theme park show once in a while and the occasional "Hey, weren't you the one in the Hefty Bag dress on AI?" to sustain them.

The show, as far as I can tell, has a primary purpose of making money - raking it in - and a secondary purpose of entertaining the viewers. Actually making a singer, a performer, out of one of those children isn't even an afterthought. Yeah, I watch anyway, because sometimes I need to let the Bitch out for air, and what better outlet? This makes me a part of the problem, I know, because without viewers the show would fold...but it's like a train wreck, isn't it? You know you shouldn't watch, but you can't look away...and once in a while, you do get a little nugget of pure, sweet music that almost makes up for the rest.

Idol-atry

You knew this was coming. You had to know. How could you not?

It's that time of year again. It's...American Idol!!! Cue Kermit the Frog screaming "yaaaaaaaayy", please.

Last night was the first episode of the season. I didn't post right away because I had to recover from the trauma. Now the bitch is recovered and ready to roar, so hang on to your hats and let's roll...

Let's see...where to begin? With the extra special lunacy of Glitter Girl? She actually has potential, if she'd just learn to calm her temper and take criticism...she did have a bit of Janice Joplin to her voice, and with a little work...wait, what am I saying? She lives in a basement bedroom (she called it a studio apartment...so apparently delusions are part of the insanity) with her mother, two cats, and a sausage on legs that she claimed was a dog. And she has no concept of anger management. Never mind...

Then there was the amazing and fascinating rendition of "Go Down Moses" sung through the nose and without any sense of phrasing? The fellow was nice enough...he's a tour guide in Philly, and he enjoys his work. His co-workers told him he would do great on Idol. I think if you hate someone that much, you should just say so and not play evil pranks like that on them. Really. Because no way, no how, does anyone actually think that is singing. And sweetie? It's called enunciation...eee-nuhn-seee-ayyy-shun. Learn it.

Hmm, who else? The sixteen-year-old linebacker...girl. Bless her. I liked her. She was sweet and a little shy seeming, but also fierce. She looked terrified to be in front of the judges...smart kid. She couldn't sing a lick. I actually felt awful for her. She cried, but the judges were really nice...they gave her hugs, were really quite kind to her, and they even walked her out to her family to tell them what a terrific kid she was. I loved when her father looked at Simon and asked "You weren't mean to her, were you?" Her father was a good three or four inches taller than Simon. Simon backed up, and Paula explained that they were all very nice. Poor kid...but also, good for her for standing up and trying. It's not easy being a big girl, especially when you are young....even if you're a linebacker who can break people in half. Maybe especially so.

I adored the young woman who sold her barrel pony to make the trip and try out, and was glad I didn't have to shake a chicken foot at the judges over her...they passed her on with flying colors, and I hope she does well. If you aren't a horse person, you won't understand...but she sold her barrel pony to get there - that's faith in your dreams!!

And then there was the young female dressed in some kind of polka dot Princess Lea (sp?) horror. Wow. She insisted that the only reason they passed on her was because they wanted normal. Well, duh!! They are looking for the next American Idol, not the next American Geek. She was so angry...and they were nice to her. And really? Couldn't sing. I've stepped on my cat and heard more melodious sounds.

Oh, wow...let's not forget the fellow dressed in the slave-girl outfit that Lea was in during the whole Jaba the Hut scene. Yeah, a guy. A hairy guy. A chubby, hairy guy. With full facial hair (quite neatly trimmed, though, I must say). Really...really...hirsute. Really. A lot. And, as Paula pointed out, the...umm...top...framed the chest hair beautifully. The judges told him they couldn't listen to him, being distracted by all he had on display...so he asked them if they'd let him try again after he had his chest waxed. Yes, you read that right...chest waxed. Wow. And I was impressed by the girl who sold her barrel pony! He did it, too...came back smooth as a baby. Wow. Really. He didn't even get to sing a whole word before they sent him on out of there....but wow, that was some dedication. Wax. Ouch. As Simon said, he did all that just to get on television. Well...he made it on TV and now he can spackle up that crack and hide his shame once more.

The man who sang the stalker song? Some cute lines, and if he was going for creepy/funny, he got it. Couldn't sing worth a damn, but he was scary...and some of the lyrics were kinda clever. In a stalkerish sort of way. I bet Paula got a restraining order for lunch.

There's a wonderful talent pool out there, and I'm looking forward to getting past the auditions and down to the nitty-gritty of it. I know they put the human train-wrecks on for entertainment...and I know I'm feeding into it by commenting on them...but heavens to mergatroid, there are some bizarre people in this world!! How can I ignore them?? For all the bitching and sniping that I do, I really do enjoy watching these people grow musically...they learn so much, and when they get brave and step outside their boundaries, try a new style of music, a new genre, I feel like a proud auntie. And when they screw up royally or just suck all around, then I have something to be superior and catty about. Win-win, right?

And speaking of catty...Simon wasn't anywhere near his usual insulting self...I wonder if he's well?

Ok, gotta go...I mean to post about something of substance today, too, if only to make up for this mental cotton candy.