Quote of the day...er...week...umm...hey, look, a quote!!

"...besides love, independence of thought is the greatest gift an adult can give a child." - Bryce Courtenay, The Power of One

For old quotes, look here.

Sunday, January 2, 2011

Sorry (but I bet you won't be)

This may be it for a while.

No, not because of impending baby. Because I'm just not feeling it. Because I don't think anyone gives a rat's ass, and because it's difficult to blog without power, or a phone line, and I'm not asking you for help or pity or money or answers or a lecture or advice or why I'm doing everything all wrong and how I should be living my life, I'm just saying that I'm not going to write when I'm not feeling it because it's all worthless crap when I DO feel it...so NOT feeling it is even worthlesser. Shut up - my blog, my words, I can make them up if I want to.

Because I have no other outlet for what's in my head right now (because no one, not a damned soul, wants to hear it from me, I ain't talkin' about it in Mundania...but this is MY blog and if you don't want to put up with my pissing and moaning you can click that little "x" button and shut me the hell up and I don't have to feel like I've burdened yet another poor soul with my shit):

I can't pay the water bill. It's three months past due.

I pay the power a few dollars at a time, and so far they've been patient, but tomorrow I am supposed to pay them a substantial amount and I don't have it, so the power will be off by the end of the week and it won't be back on until I pay what I owe and a hefty deposit besides. In three weeks or so, when Sprout is born, she'll be coming home to a cold, dark house. Welcome to the fucking world, you poor wee thing. Too bad you picked a loser for a mom.

I can't pay my van insurance, so I will be driving unlawfully for a while, if I drive at all.

I haven't eaten since that bowl of Jell-O yesterday afternoon. I can't bring myself to. The thought nauseates me.

I can't sleep. I'm tired all the time.

My back hurts, my neck and shoulders hurt, my head hurts...fuck, I'm one big ouch, but no one notices...or maybe (seems more likely) no one cares.

Tomorrow is my son's birthday...and he doesn't want to come home. He wants to stay with his father. His father never yells at him or asks him to clean his room or make sure there's toilet paper in the bathroom, and can buy him McDonald's and toys and video games, and I barely managed to scrape together enough dough for one birthday present and a cake...and I had to borrow money for the cake.

Every day, he realizes a little more what a worthless fucktard his mother is. Every day, he pulls away a little more...

Let me say it again, plainly - my son doesn't want me. I used to be the cure for all his ills, and now he's not even eight and he. Doesn't. Want. Me.

And I'm going to go through it all again with my daughter - she'll think I'm marvelous, at first, until she learns better. Then she'll turn her back, too. Why wouldn't they - when everyone else shows me so clearly that they don't want me, how can my children help but do the same?

So, yeah...it's so fucking cheerful inside my head...why wouldn't I want to share all this??

See you tomorrow, or not, or the next day, or not...and in the end, if I never came back, I know it'd be as significant and a fart in the wind. Zen, yo.


Bella said...

I'm sorry things are so rough for you right now. Hopefully things will ease up. Is Someone able to help out or is he adding to the problems? Right now your son is being dazzeled by the "things" his father can buy but down the road he'll come around. I hope you're able to continue on here as I'm looking forward to Sprout's arrival. Hang in there...

Anonymous said...

I care..and I read your blog a lot. I can't be close enough to help with the physical stuff yet but comming not long after miss sprout. If I could help I would. I hope I am wrong about some no full truth's Lo told about our money but for now I'm hopeing to have gas to work this week. I remember going through something similar to Bird with my parents and my mom is her own brand of crazy but she is always my mom. He is just being 8. As people keep telling me it will not be easy but it will get better

HermitJim said...

My friend, I don't know what to say. I would hate to see you just fade away, but you alone know what you have to do.

You do know, I hope, that if you need me for anything just let me know.

I love ya, girl!