Quote of the day...er...week...umm...hey, look, a quote!!

Tibi gratias agimus quod nihil fumas.

It says "...freedom of...", not "...freedom from...".

Nolite te bastardes carburundorum!

"It's amazing to me how many people think that voting to have the government give poor people money is compassion. Helping poor and suffering people is compassion. Voting for our government to use guns to give money to help poor and suffering people is immoral self-righteous bullying laziness. People need to be fed, medicated, educated, clothed, and sheltered, and if we're compassionate we'll help them, but you get no moral credit for forcing other people to do what you think is right. There is great joy in helping people, but no joy in doing it at gunpoint." - Penn Jillette

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

A Letter (or Three)

Dear Lifesavers,

We've been together a long time. I've always been true to you, shunning other candies that tried to mimic your sweetness, your shape, your style, but could never compare. You were one of my go-to candies when I had low blood sugar - I always knew I could count on you.

Lately, though, you've changed.

I can't trust you any more.

I don't know you.

Once upon a time, I could count on green meaning a burst of artificial lime was coming my way, and red was cherry sweetness. Yellow was lemon, orange was...well...orange...and white was pineapple. I was always the weird kid who wanted pineapple or lime when you were offered around by a generous classmate, and was never disappointed by you.

Now?

Now I don't know what's going to assault me when I pop one of you into my mouth. Watermelon? Excuse me, I feel ill - I have never cared for artificial watermelon flavor, and now I'm dodging it at every turn. Pina Colada? Well...that's not too bad. Neither is Tangerine. Blackberry and Raspberry, though...bleh, bleh, double bleh.

I know you thought you had to keep up with the times. I understand peer pressure - we all do. Everyone has been tempted to cave, to change themselves to suit what others think they should be, but Lifesavers...I loved you just the way you were! I know I'm not alone when I say - bring back the original five!! I miss you...
~~~~~
Dear New England Candy Company (Makers of Necco Wafers),

Well, now you've gone and done it.

Since I was a wee lass, I've loved you. You were one of my go-to candies when I had low blood sugar. I use to happily open a roll of your wafers and sort them by color, crunching up the broken ones first, then devouring them by color. Once in a while, I savor one, see how long I could make it last. Chocolates were my least favorite, so they went first. I saved licorice for last. Lemon, lime, and orange were fine, as was the cinnamon...and I adored the wintergreen snap which reminded me of Canada Mints (I haven't had one of those in many years..sigh...). Your little mini-rolls were a delight to have on Halloween, and have been riding around in my car as an emergency pick-me-up for many years.

But you've done something to yourself. Nothing tastes as it should. What happened to the wintergreen? The cinnamon?

You know, change can be a good thing...and introducing new flavors and product lines is so exciting, I can understand you'd be caught up in the glitz and glamour of debuting an all chocolate roll. But did you have to lose your heads and ruin the traditional pressed-chalk discs of goodness?? Some childhood memories are cherished and should not be tinkered with!!

Please, I beg of you, regain your senses and return my beloved Necco wafers to their original glory!
~~~~~
Dear Georgia WalMart Patron who was driving the baby-poo brown Toyota whateverthatPOSwas,

Perhaps you are unaware, sir, that Georgia is a Pedestrian Right of Way state. Let me break the big words down into manageable chunks for you - that means that when there's someone on the paved surface, especially in the crosswalk, you must actually stop and let them cross.

Never mind that said someone was a clearly pregnant woman pushing a cart with a young boy in tow.

Never mind that there were several signs clearly indicating that pedestrians were crossing at any given time and that WalMart and the state of Georgia mandated you yield.

Never mind that the parade-balloon sized woman was halfway across before you ever turned the corner and approached the crosswalk at top speed.

It is the law, ass-clown.

That you managed not to strike me or my child was more a credit to my own reflexes and still-reliable ability to accelerate my arse to unexpected speeds than to your clearly non-existent braking skills.

I understand that the prime parking spot you wanted was open right then, and I know how disappointing it is when you have to park two whole feet farther away from the door - really, it's so tedious having to walk past all those handicapped parking spaces...they're in carts or wheelchairs, for cryin' out loud, they're sitting down, why do they have to be close to the door when we non-differently-abled folks have to schlep ourselves in under our own power?? So unfair...

But trust me when I tell you that people don't make good hood ornaments, and when we get tangled up in your wheel wells we will slow you to a crawl. Also, blood ruins paint, although in your case I would consider anything an improvement - really, did you choose that color, or did you lose a bet?

Next time you may not be so lucky. Quit being a selfish twit - whatever it is you think you need so desperately to live that's inside the Evil Empire, trust me, they won't run out - they have an endless supply of pork skins, chewing tobaccy, and beer. Isn't a life worth a few extra seconds? Oh, wait, never mind - I think your behavior has clearly answered that question...
~~~~~
So, fellow denizens of the Blue Nowhere...who've you been wanting to write to lately??

4 comments:

Momlady said...

You've said it all. Now, about that biography.

Kyddryn said...

But mooo-ooommmmm...I don't LIKE writing bios...

HermitJim said...

You heard your Mother...!

Susan said...

OMG!! I shouldn't be laughing but your comments to the ass-clown who almost ran you over...I almost wish he had grazed you so you could really let loose on his ass. Glad you're safe and not in a wheel well slowing him down. I am laughing my ass off. If only.