Quote of the day...er...week...umm...hey, look, a quote!!

Tibi gratias agimus quod nihil fumas.

It says "...freedom of...", not "...freedom from...".

Nolite te bastardes carburundorum!

"It's amazing to me how many people think that voting to have the government give poor people money is compassion. Helping poor and suffering people is compassion. Voting for our government to use guns to give money to help poor and suffering people is immoral self-righteous bullying laziness. People need to be fed, medicated, educated, clothed, and sheltered, and if we're compassionate we'll help them, but you get no moral credit for forcing other people to do what you think is right. There is great joy in helping people, but no joy in doing it at gunpoint." - Penn Jillette

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Poly Wanna Get Interesting

When we discussed being open, being polyamorous, we didn't have much idea what that meant beyond being open to the possibilities of loving others as well as each other.

When Someone discovered that he felt quite strongly for Lady R, it prompted much discussion between us, and we came to agree on some (for lack of a better phrase) ground rules: open, honest communication at all times and with all involved; don't bring home any plagues.

Someone and I have never had difficulty communicating...or, rather, while we may struggle to find the right words and have (on more than one occasion) found ourselves frustrated in our struggles...we have never shied away from saying what we felt and dealing with those feelings.

When he knew he loved Lady R, he told me so. It can't have been easy. While I may worry that he'll leave me for another...he must have wondered if I would be enraged or hurt enough to send him packing. It takes courage to tell somebody "I love you, and I love this other person, too, equally well..." and let yourself face the consequences.

Poor Lady R...

Her partner (she is in a relationship) had said he was fine with an open relationship, but until now she'd never acted on that. She was worried about acting on it, to be honest...worried that she would hurt a man whom she loves deeply. She's not looking to replace J...and she certainly doesn't want to lose him.

She didn't tell him, at first, about her burgeoning love for Someone, nor that she had consummated it.

I will admit...this troubled me. While I feel I have less to say on the matter than anyone else involved (because I am less directly involved in R's two relationships)...it troubled me. I understand, deeply, the fear of loss...how like walking off a cliff it must feel, and how much faith must one have in one's loves and in one's self to speak anyway...

It bothered Someone, too, that Lady R had not spoken to her partner...he didn't like being a secret, didn't like not knowing how he should act, that he would have to restrain himself in J's presence (he loves not only with words, but with frequent touch, with all of himself - such a loving is not easy to curtail...like breathing with only one lung)...but he and I have both respected Lady R's need for her own process and have not pressed.

She finally told J a bit about her feelings (although I do not know if they have had full disclosure...this kind of thing sometimes needs to be eased into. Please don't judge; she risks losing not one but two loves, risks having her heart broken in so many ways. I feel for Lady R...and have told Someone that, while I hope she never has the NEED, there's a place here at Casa de Crazy for her if it's wanted).

J was hurt...and fearful...but he has not (to my knowledge)given ultimatums or retracted his offer of an open relationship. He is looking his fears in the face and owning them. He has spoken of them to Lady R. He has not, yet, had an opportunity to speak to Someone or to me about his feelings and sound us out on ours...but I am hoping that one day he will, and that he will find his fears allayed. Someone isn't looking to replace J, nor is he hoping that Lady R will supplant me. He simply wishes to follow the dictates of his heart and...love...

Our first foray into ployamoury has been illuminating for me. I am not jealous...although I have owned that I may have moments of envy, little pangs for things that they share which Someone and I do not. There are things which Someone and I share which he and Lady R will not. In the end, it is what we have that matters.

I believe it helps that I like the lady. I believe it helps that she likes me well enough. I believe it helps that all of us - Someone, me, Lady R and J - are capable of being honest with ourselves and each other. I believe that it helps that we can and will communicate and strive to understand each other. I believe that it helps that we are not looking for another couple to be co-spouses with...a whole other form of polyamoury that I am not yet ready for. Sure, I can share my beloved...but not my living room.

I know it helps that, even after this beginning, Someone calls me home...and I believe him when he tells me that it doesn't matter whither he will wander...he will always come home.

This journey isn't over...it's only just beginning. I haven't looked outside my relationship with Someone, haven't tested those boundaries yet. I don't know that I ever will...I lack the confidence that more than one person could love me this way (if I'm being honest). I can love in the abstract, and do so easily...but physically? I am still amazed that Someone can call me beautiful...especially when I see the women he has loved, still loves...how strong, vibrant, intelligent they all are...how on earth could two people have the same delusion feel the same way about me at once??

I don't regret setting out on this path, though...and look with interest to where it may yet lead.

I don't believe there's such a thing as too much love.
~~~~~
I feel compelled to add that this was written from my viewpoint...and while I strive to be impartial, things will be colored by my experiences and opinions. If Someone, Lady R, or J should happen to read and feel compelled to add or discuss anything, I welcome their words.

I left a lot out, because this was long enough as it was. If you think I jumped about, have questions or wisdom to share...tell me. It is a simple and yet deeply complex issue, and so far outside the normal experience...while I've had many conversations about the subject, this is the first time I've tried to tackle it in writing...and I feel I have not done it justice, but have done the best I can at the moment.

2 comments:

Cygnus MacLlyr said...

and you close echoing my sentiment-- i canna do justice in words at the moment. Perhaps not even in coming moments-- at least not those near.

i can read paragraph by paragraph and responses vibrate in my mind; words prolific, profound. and i continue to the next paragraph, and i am consumed by passion, words forgotten, words that won me winning again, and again.

it WAs risk-- to tell you I wanted to test the 'theory'. but-- it was risk worth. not calculated, but passionate; not able to be suppressed, needing to stand in the open to test.

I win all around so far, for no love hath seemingly diminished for me, and mine for the two of you strenghtens.

Sorry to 'post' here! ha!
Look for me to hash out literate soon on my pagan blog.
And... expect a tongue-lashing soon for all this revelation.
I'm jus' sayin'...

Kyddryn said...

Aww, shucks, Sir...

And aren't you a sly one, turning my own words on me! :-)

Meanwhile, I ain't a-skeered o' you - bring on the tongue! ;-)