Because It's On My Mind, That's Why

Brace yourself...more thoughts on polyamoury...

It occurred to me as I was writing those posts that I was taking a chance, risking the loss of readers, of friends (those well known and those as yet met only here in the Blue Nowhere), and even of family contact. This is an aspect of our lives that we haven't exactly advertised. It's not a secret...but like many things that can draw censure to a body, it's something we've chosen simply to live, to discuss if it came up or we were asked about it...but certainly not to wear on our t-shirts (not that I wear t-shirts), tattoo on our faces, or carry placards for.

So why write about it? Why make it so very public to friend, family, and stranger alike? Why invite confusion, disgust, scorn, anger, judgement?

Well...

In part because I use my writing to help me clarify my thoughts. And in part because I'm not ashamed of loving...and don't think anyone should be. Last summer I found myself wishing that I could love freely, love fearlessly, love without regret. It's something I wish for us all.

I truly believe that when one is honest, open, communicative, and (this part's awfully important) doing no harm to any one else involved (safe, sane, and consensual, people), there is no shame in loving.

I'll be the first to admit that my sexual and emotional histories are...ermmm...unusual. I lived a very sheltered life...right up until I didn't. In that sheltered time I was sexually and emotionally abused, silenced and marginalized. It will take a lifetime to soften the scarring from that...

Once free of my old life, I began to look around and see that there were many types of people, and they weren't all out to do me harm. Some of them loved a little differently, but they weren't inherently evil.

While I never practiced it, I was part of the BD/SM community (club secretary for a bondage club, I'll tell you about it some time) and learned a lot about so-called deviance. I learned a fair bit about traditional love and how it can flourish...and how it can imprison.

I've seen family's torn to pieces over who or how someone loves.

I don't want to hide.

A lot of the conversations around Casa de Crazy have been about polyamoury, of late...especially about Lady R and her situation, caught as she is between the beauty of love growing and the stones of tradition and mainstream thought. While Someone and I managed to find our way through what could be a very rocky shoal with each other, she is largely on her own navigating the waters.

If "love" hadn't been turned into "own" somewhere back in time, none of us would have this trouble.

If J could see how R shines when she's with him, how her love emanates palpably from her in his presence, and how it pains her to think of losing him...he would not fear her loss. He would know that she could no more move on to another, leave him behind, than she could separate herself from half of her soul. If he could see how she lights up with Someone, detach himself from jealousy enough to see her happiness, he would wish her joy in the association, in the loving, knowing as he would that she may love Someone...but J is home for Lady R, as I am home for Someone.

While it pains me to think that I may suffer loss because of this...it pains me more to think of the loss we'd all know if we had to bind ourselves up in a restrictive definition of what love is supposed to be.

Once again I find myself unable to put into words what's fizzing about in my mind...so I'm certain I'll touch on this topic again. If it's uncomfortable for you, dear reader, then I am truly sorry, and I hope you'll be patient with my need to write and write and write until I have found the words I'm looking for...and meanwhile, I'll try to give you some warning as to the subject matter so you can skip these posts entirely and move on to less discomfiting entries.