Quote of the day...er...week...umm...hey, look, a quote!!

"...besides love, independence of thought is the greatest gift an adult can give a child." - Bryce Courtenay, The Power of One

For old quotes, look here.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

What do you do?

I am home. Home. There's a word full of meaning.

Here at Casa de Crazy, we have been experiencing a full load of chaos, stress, and distress. I haven't written about most of it, because...why?

I teach a communications class at the track. The first thing I tell novice communicators is "Remember to breathe, oxygen is your friend." and then "Don't call the incident in until it's finished. Then, take a breath and key the microphone. You won't lose anything by doing that, and you'll be able to make a full report."

Good advice for life, too, it seems. Let things finish...breath...then key the mic, write the post.


What's been going on here?

A marriage has been disintegrating.

It's nobody's fault, really. Or ever one's. I don't know. Mostly I think it's my fault, really.

For the last five years, I've struggled to hold onto it...to be a good wife, a good mother, to ride out what felt like some very rough, very lonely seas, hope for smoother sailing. I can't any more.

I am physically, emotionally, and spiritually exhausted.

I don't love my husband. Not romantically. Not the way a wife should. Something inside me broke, a while back, and I can't fix it.

Goddess knows, I've tried...

But you can't force love. I care deeply for him, although I think I may have given him cause to doubt that. I don't want him to go away, although I think he doubts that, too. I want him to be here for our son...but I can't pretend, any more, that I'm fine, that we're fine, that everything is fine.

I have no idea where to go from "I can't be your wife any more..."

What do you do when you wake up one morning and realize that you don't want to be married any more? What do you do when you realize that you don't have a choice, that love or no love, there's a child who needs his family to be whole? You suck it up and try very hard not to let the cracks show. You try to carry on, make repairs, fix it without letting on that it's broke.

Maybe you carry on for years. You try and try, and blame yourself, and hate yourself because you can't be the wife a good man deserves. You swallow your angry words, your disappointment, grip them in your teeth, chew them into fine powder and swallow them down. You wonder what the Hell is wrong with you, that you can't reciprocate. You don't tell him all the little things that drive you buggy, that help the erosion along. You try very hard to see the good, the beautiful, the joyful, and stuff the rest into your closet.

And maybe you manage, for a while, to keep it going.

But then...

What do you do when you wake up one day, years later, and realize that you've been deeply unhappy for a long time? What do you do when you realize that you are missing something you need ? Something at the root, something necessary? And it's...gone...

What do you do when you've told your husband this, and he asks if there's someone else? Accuses you of it, in fact...and calls you a liar...when all you've done is keep your word despite your pain, and been honest with him (if only lately) about that missing something?

And then...and then you DO meet someone...who makes you think...and wonder...and hope...

What do you do when you won't break your word, your vows, not matter that it costs you your own happiness?

Apparently...you break your marriage instead...all the while cursing yourself for a fool for not forcing yourself to love the man who loves you...or faking it, because if you're the only one who's unhappy, what does it matter?

What do you do?


Cygnus MacLlyr said...

First, I never read in any prior post where he 'loved' you.
Second-- And I may be biased here, but-- you fall under Swan's wing...

Joyfully, Freely, and Fearlessly, you FALL, Lady K...

in love...


Anonymous said...

K. I love you more than any man has ever loved a woman. I told you that eveyday. I hope that I showed you that from time to time. I tried everything I could to keep you happy. When times were lean, I never said you needed to look for a job. I just put in more hours. When times were good, I never put limits on you. I gave you your freedom. I never said no to you about anything.

Now someone has come along and wrote poems for you, and said how wonderful you are. He has got good taste. He has made you think that maybe there is something better out there. Maybe there is. But always remember, I will go to my grave aving known a love that is greater than life itself.

You are and always will be my Heart,my Soul, my life, and my Love.

Goodbye my love.


Gypsy Guru said...

I... I...

I love you, my dear.

Many kisses and long hugs and an ear whenever you need it.

M said...

I know you have probably heard or read this from other people, but I read this post and I thought it was important to say to you. Kids are smart, they know far more of what’s going on then most people give them credit for, and they are far more intuitive them most people give them credit for. If you are unhappy, and have been unhappy for a while, I guarantee your son knows it. He may not know why, or understand why, but (being totally removed from the situation as I am) I can with utmost certainty say he senses something is wrong at the very least.

I grew up in a home where my parents where both completely miserable. My dad loved my mother but gave up so many things out of a sense of responsibility to work and provide. My mom loved my father but felt smothered, repressed, and unloved by a man that was often verbally and emotionally abusive. But, they had me, and my little brother, and the idea was hammered into their heads of what a marriage and family was supposed to look and act like so they stayed together for 23 long years.

I was 20 when they finally divorced. It was messy and terrible, but I was relieved because even though they were fighting I saw that maybe when they finally let go of what wasn’t working for them they might be able to find some happiness for themselves. Truly, that’s all a kid (even a grown up kid) ever wants for their parents is to be happy. No one wants their mom or dad to be miserable, and certainly no one want to know that they were the cause, the reason they stayed together and made each other so damned unhappy.

I am all for trying to find ways to work things out, to not give up when things are hard just because they are hard, but if you truly see no way to mend whatever needs mending in your relationship then have the strength to let it go for all of your sakes. The pain you will suffer (and they will suffer) during the transition will not outweigh the pain of years more of unhappiness and brokeness, even if you are the only one that sees that now.

Goddess bless you, guide you, and comfort you and your family.


Susan said...

As you have been for me, I'm here.

Magpie said...

I'm sorry. It has to be really hard.

paisana said...

I have no idea what you do. But I'm here.

Kit said...

Oh, wow. . .

RachelW said...


Much love to you, dear sister.
You know what you need. You are not at fault for saying it. You already know I walked this same path, not that long ago; I haven't forgotten that it's a very difficult path to walk. I'm holding you, Bird, and T all in my heart, and hoping for the best, gentlest, most mutually beneficial outcome for you all. You can love one another, care for one another without being a married couple. In some ways, it's actually easier. Much love to you all...

Kyddryn said...

Thank you all for your thoughtful responses, kind words, and well-wishes; it is a constant wonder to me how the Web reaches to catch the falling.