And Out We Come

So February is over and I have survived. It wasn't even as horrid as it has been in the past. Not that I plan on making friends with February or anything...it just wasn't as awful as it's been, is all.

We lost home phone service, got it back, and lost it again in the span of days that made the month. It's on again, for now, but if T doesn't pay child support in full and on time (which he hasn't been because he's only working sporadically and you can't squeeze blood from a turnip), I can't pay the phone bill on time, and it all goes down hill from there.

We have no cell or Internet services, but that may soon change. I will be glad to have a working cell phone again, because being on the road without a phone isn't fun...especially given how often things go wrong for us when we travel.

We have no TV. Actually, we have two televisions, but cannot watch anything on them, as the satellite was turned off and it's a luxury anyway and we have friends and family who are letting us borrow movies so we can watch something if we want, but I must admit it's a bummer not to be able to watch current events on the rare occasions I care to.

I have been dealing with a nagging illness - just when I think I'm okay, my throat gets sore and I start coughing, and I sound like I've been crying or am upset because it gets all rough. Sometimes I HAVE been crying or am upset, but really, I don't need to constantly reassure people that no, really, I'm fine, just have aliens in my lungs.

A few days ago I had a truly awful day, the kind of day that makes me feel like crawling under the bed and crying until I am shrivelled up and the world is nice to me again. One of those days when I feel useless and stupid and pointless and like I'm a great, fat lump of worthlessness that would be doing the world a favor if it melted down the drain. Usually I start feeling like that around February 1 and don't feel better until mid March.

It isn't a nice feeling to believe, utterly and to the bone,that one has no value...that one's children would be better off with ANYONE but one's self, that one has nothing to offer the world and even if one did, the world doesn't want it.

There are so many people who write it better, who handle it with better grace. I'm not them. I just muddle through until I'm out the other side and hope this isn't the time that kills me.

One long tunnel of misery, it is...but there's the other side...