Just Remember It Was My Idea That Saved the World

So there's this global warming thing going on - have you heard of this? Apparently all the cow farts and car exhaust we're generating (don't get me started on the cow farts happening at Casa de Crazy - and we don't even have any cows!) are turning up the heat around the globe, and I guess that's a bad thing. What? You'd think people would be happy they don't need four pair of socks in January!

Well, I have a solution. You can thank me with cash - don't be shy of handing out large denominations, I'm a big girl and can handle 'em. I'll take my Nobel prize in blue.

Here's my fix, and it's so simple I bet you kick yourself for not thinking of it first:

Paint everything white.

No, seriously, that's it.

You see, dark colors absorb light/heat and make it hotter. Light colors reflect light/heat and make it cooler. As the snow and ice sheets melt, there is less to reflect sunlight back into space and out of our greenhouse, and it gets hotter and hotter, melting more ice and therefor reflecting less sunlight, and...umm...viscous cycle.

Want a graphic demonstration? Oh, c'mon, this is fun! Get two Popsicles (flavor doesn't matter - just use the ones no one else wants). On a fine, sunny day, place one Popsicle on a white car and one on a black car. See which one melts fastest. Make sure you use the neighbor's cars...neighbors you don't like. Or have a hose or some wet-wipes handy.

So - think about what it would do to paint everything white. Everyone can wear white or reflective clothing. All cars could be white. Houses, sheds, barns, and roofs could all be white. Roofs could be white or mirrored.

Brilliant, right? Right!!

People could be given rewards for not tanning...or would that be unfair because some folks can't help they've got naturally environmentally unfriendly skin? George Hamilton would have to pay fines. Lots of fines.

Imagine the difference it would make in a very short time - why, we could be using the back porch for cold storage in no time, and the fur industry would be back to a booming trade! Oh, wait...maybe not so much on the fur, because wouldn't that sort of negate the whole effort to be nice to the planet and future generations by nixing man-made global warming effects? So the Thinsulate industry will take off again. Thinsulates aren't endangered and are cruelty free, aren't they?

I am aware that not all warming effects are man made. I am aware that the planet is naturally cyclic and has patterns of warming/cooling that take eons to complete. I am aware that some folks don't think global warming is a matter for humor and won't appreciate my idea. Oh, well. The thing is, my idea is simple, safe, and based on sound scientific principle. There is no reason it could not work...and probably make a lot fewer people unhappy than if we banned beef or automobiles or industry or electricity...but I bet any one of those latter things will happen before anyone ever thinks to simply, literally, lighten up.

Meanwhile, I am going to corner the market on white tarps before anyone jumps on my brilliance.