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"...besides love, independence of thought is the greatest gift an adult can give a child." - Bryce Courtenay, The Power of One

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Friday, April 16, 2010

They Should Come With a Mute Button

A Play In One Long, Loud, Pointless, Endless Act

The Principles:

Tween 1, a voluble lass who thinks herself witty, charming, and adored by all who chance to be within earshot.

Tween 2, largely interchangeable with Tween 1.

Tween 3, quiet, seemingly shy, with an affected lisp that she undoubtedly thinks is endearing. It is not.

Secondary Characters:

A determinedly cheerful waitress.

An adult male and two adult females who may or may not be the parents of one of more of the Principles. An adult male, two adult females, and one Evil Genius who are the unwitting, unwilling audience to the play.

The setting: TGI Fridays on a Thursday night, three adjoining booths. The party including the Evil Genius is in the first booth, the Principles in the second, the other adults in the third.

Determinedly cheerful waitress: Welcome to TGI Fridays, my name is DeeDee and I'll be taking care of you tonight, what can I get you to drink? I can get you something from the bar and we have soft drinks and water...

Evil Genius party places their drink orders, uncomplicated, and peruses menu.

Tween 1: (directed at Tween 2 in a cheerful manner) Ohmygod, Ashliegh totally hates you!

Adult Male: Start spreading the neeeewwwwsssssss...

Tween 2: (seemingly unconcerned) That's OK because I hate her anyway.

Adult Male: I'm leavin' tuhdaaaaayyyyyyyy...

Tween 3: Mumble. Lisp.

Adult Female 1: I need a refill. Waitress!

Adult Male: I'll have another one.

Adult Female 2: I want another one, too.

A glass is thunked against a table surface several times - either the meeting is called to order or someone is signalling the need for more libations.

Tweens 1 & 2: What? I Can't hear you!

Tween 3: Mumble!

Tweens 1 & 2: Oh.

Determinedly cheerful waitress: Ok, here are your drinks, are you ready to order? What can I get for you? Did you want that dressing on the side? I'll get that right in for you!

A lull of thirty seconds ensues.

The entire unoccupied staff of the restaurant begins marching through the dining room, clapping and singing something unintelligible which may or may not relate to the natal day of a patron. The Tweens are enraptured and squeal with delight despite the action taking place o the opposite and of the establishment. As the staff pass back by the Tweens' booth, they demand to know of there will be more singing, and ask for cake.

Tween 1: I want cake!

Tween 2: I want cake!!

Determinedly cheerful waitress: Next time you have to come sing with us!

Tween 3: Mumble. Lisp.

The Tweens now launch into a twenty minute run-on sentence of a conversation peppered with "cake", and claims of "It's my birthday", which grows louder whenever staff members pass by. The Tweens inform one of the Adult Females that they have told the waitress it's their birthday. The woman sounds annoyed at having her drink disturbed and growls "Oh, Meredith, you didn't" between swallows.

The Evil Genius party has their meals at this point and are trying to have a conversation, but it's difficult between the audio assault coming from the speakers, and the Tweens merriment behind them.

Finally, the Fridays staff come clapping past the Evil Genius party, perform their song and dance for the Tweens, and ask whose birthday it is.

Tween 1: Oh, it's not my birthday.

Tween 2: It's not MY birthday.

Tween 3: It's not my biwfday.

Determinedly cheerful waitress (at maximum volume): Alright TGI Fridays Patrons, we're not sure whose birthday it is but give it up anyway!!!

A song ensues, the staff wnaders off, and the Tweens giggle about their success in scoring a free dessert.

Determinedly cheerful waitress (at the Evil Genius table): Can I get you folks anything else?

Younger Adult Female: A mute button (as she points discreetly over her shoulder at the Tweens)?

Determinedly cheerful waitress: Oh, ha, ha, yeah, I hear ya...

The determinedly cheerful waitress wanders away.

Adult Male (voice slurring): You're getting a spanking when we get home. Yep. You're getting spanked!

Tween 1: Yup, uh-huh.

Tween 2: Yeah, right.

Tween 3: Mumble. Lisp.

Adult Male: Yeah, spankings all around...

Member of the Evil Genius party: Is it just me, or does he sound creepy?

The Tweens continue their barrage of shrieks, giggles, commentary on the patrons around them, and general Tweenery until they depart for the restroom en-masse, at which point the two Adult Females decide they wish to go outside and pollute their lungs, volubly bemoaning the fact that they can't bring their drinks with them.

The Evil Genius party, having paid their tab, beat a hasty retreat before act two can commence.

Close curtain.


Momlady said...

Most accurate. What a memory you have. Me? I forgot as soon as possible.

HermitJim said...

Sounds like a most forgettable evening to me!

Now I remember why I'm a Hermit!

Sometimes 2 just seems like many more, as far as kids go!

Kyddryn said...

Mum, I wish I could forget....ugh...

Mister Hermit, Sir, I think ONE is enough!