Query

I have come to think of writing a query letter as something like walking up to the popular kid's table in the high school lunch room and asking if I may join them - begging the people who can help shape my experience in an already difficult process to like me and make me popular (or at least presentable), too. No wonder it ties me in knots...I was/am so far outside the realm of popular, I couldn't/can't even see it from where I sat/sit!

For your amusement, I present my query letter as it would look if I wrote it honestly:

Dear (insert agent name here)(shiver a little for daring hope this.will.be.the.one),

I am not worthy of your esteemed attention, but I am hoping you'll see beyond the just-fell-off-the-turnip-truck dust on my dungarees to the polished, erudite author I just know I can be with a fair amount of time, effort, editing, complete re-writes, and liberal applications of cash and vodka (or rum, or gin, or adult beverage of your choice, because we both know you're buying unless I've accidentally written a best-seller, and what're the odds of THAT happening??).

My name is (who the hell cares? We both know you've never heard of me). I wonder if you'd be interested in representing my work of interminable length (nah, not really...insert actual word count here).

(This is where the slick author inserts a synopsis of their story, starting with a really catchy hook...but where I begin to flounder in earnest because I wrote the dang thing and now I have to sum it up? If I could sum it up, it would be a short story and I'd market it to a magazine and open up a whole other realm of stress and rejection opportunities).

I just know this is going to be a best seller (did my nose just grow an inch?). I will gladly (and with great alacrity)(seriously, Formula One drivers wouldn't match my speed) forward a sample chapter to the rubbish bin of your choosing, upon request.

Sincerely,
Please love my book so I can stop writing these thrice-cursed query letters and start being neurotic about something else!!

PS - please, please, please, please, please, please don't think I suck!!