...I wouldn't blame you if you didn't.
~~~~~
There are times I curse this sickness
turn my face skyward and loose soundless howls to the heavens
stare into the grey beyond for endless hours
oblivious to the rest.
Fuck.
31 years.
Back and forth we've gone, this sickness and me, since I was a child.
31 years, closing in on 32...
Double fuck.
So long, so deep, so present has it been in my life,
I have very few memories of a time before.
Was there a time before it colored everything,
coated it all in this residue of sorrow?
There must have been,
because I remember
how it poured slowly over the horizon
a stain in the light that no one else saw
sticky
cloying
suffocating
creeping closer and closer
until it covered all the world.
The cure, for me
is worse than the disease
erasing
negating
my Self.
I lose me
and while I may not like me
sometimes even hate me
I don't want to be anyone else
because better the me I know
that the one I don't
So I endure.
And here I am, enduring...
when I should be rejoicing...
I am in love...and loved...
I have a brilliant son
and beloved friends
and am packing even now for a cruise with Mum
ten days in the Caribbean
but it just doesn't matter
and I can't seem to care
can't seem to feel anything
but this futility.
Fuck.
I hate, hate, hate feeling useless, worthless,
though I may be
I don't have to like the feeling
the knowing
Ignorance is bliss.
I am not ignorant.
Double fuck.
I want to cry all day
but instead
paste on a smile
and pretend
it's OK
because it's not
but why should anyone else have to suffer
or deal with
my stupid misfiring neurons?
Double, double fuck, fuck, fuckery.
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8 comments:
Girl, don't I know that bitch well...she's a defense mechanism of the highest order.And of your creation. She surrounds herself around your heart..she's laid claim to it and if anyone or anything comes along to snatch a piece of it...she starts tearing you down,from the inside out.Better she hurt you than anyone else is what she thinks. Get out in the sun, Kyddryn, stay there for a good long time..soak in the light...you are good, you are loved, you are worthy of love
Peace ~ Rene
Here's a thought, kiddo.....things could be better.
Love you...
Mizz Rene, cheers - this is an old tune, one I know really very well. It'll end and my spirits will lift again...maybe tomorrow, maybe sometime next year, I'll find my way through to the other side.
Love you too, Mum...and things will get better...and worse...and better...and as long as I get up one time more than I am knocked down (and I will), I win.
We all love you girl...do I need to come over there? Do you know what it would take to get my spanx wearing ass over there? A feckin' lot Missy!
I'm not gonna tell you to smile because I hate when people tell me that.
But it's OK to snarf milk outta your nose :)
Peace ~ Rene
I hope this made you laugh a little
I could make a bigger ass outta myself if you'd like :)
Mizz Rene, I don't think you need Spanx (although I have to admit some curiosity about them and would probably giggle a LOT watching a person try to wriggle into or out of them)...but with or without them, if you came over here then Someone would have a VERY good day. I'm just sayin'...
Cheers for not tellin' me to smile...that is SO annoying. If I hear the damn "It takes more muscles to frown..." thing ONE MORE TIME...
Although come to think of it, if it takes more muscles to frown then I'm burning more calories, which means faster arse shrinkage, which WILL make me smile. Hmm...we may be on to something, here...
Well, I'll tell you to smile. I insist you do! Hell, I'll make you smile, whether you like it or not...
I'm so sorry. Fuckity fuck fuck.
http://thebloggess.com/?p=5533
Jenny and her commentors have said it far more eloquently than I ever could.
FAR too many of us have stood at the edge of that pit, especially this time of year it seems.
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