Doing Windows

What follows is a mostly accurate (I may have forgotten a few things - if it was more than ten minutes ago I refuse to be held accountable for remembering all the details) of several calls received over several days.  Yes, really.
~~~~~
The house phone rings.  I stop washing dishes, dry my hands on my shirt, check the caller ID, and answer.
"Hello?"
"Hello?"  A heavily accented, sounds Indian, male voice queries.
"Hello."  My voice is flat - whatever he's selling, I ain't buying.
"Yes, this is Shayne from Microsoft calling about your computer..."
I interrupt - this isn't my first dance.  "Which one."
"Oh, ah, the, ah, the one with windows..."
"Which one?"
"Ma'am, your computer is reporting a problem to Microsoft..."
"No it isn't.  This is a scam.  I will now be reporting the number you called from to the FCC.  Have a nice day."  I hang up.

It IS a scam, by the way.  Microsoft would rather burn their collective hair than actually call you.  They don't even want you to call THEM!  They would rather you simply take a sledgehammer to your current PC and buy a shiny new machine.  I think the computers are actually designed to go kerfluey after a certain amount of time.  Planned obsolescence and all that.  These people calling me?  They want to seize root and make my computer do things, or steal my information, or get me to pay them to "fix" this problem they say I have at a substantial cost to me.

The house phone rings.  I stop folding laundry, check the caller ID, and answer.
"Hello?"
"Hello?"  A heavily accented, sounds Indian, male voice queries.
"Hello."  My voice is flat - he's interrupting my day.
"Yes, this is David from Microsoft calling about your computer..."
I interrupt.  "David, huh?  What's your real name?"
"Ma'am, my name is David and..."
"If your name's David than I'm the Queen of Sheba."
"Uh, Ma'am, I am calling because your computer..."
"Which one."
"Oh, ah, the, ah, the one with windows..."
"Which one?"
"Ma'am, your computer is reporting a problem to Microsoft and..."
"Which computer?  In this house we currently have three PC towers, four laptops, a some kind of Mac thingy and a Frankenstein.  Which one is reporting a problem?"  No, I don't really have that many machines in here, but he doesn't know that.
"Uh...your computer with Windows is reporting a virus to our repair center and our technician in your area..."
"No it isn't.  This is a scam.  I will now be reporting the number you called from to the FCC.  Have a nice day."  I hang up

The only way your computer reports a problem to Microsoft is if YOU tell it to.  If it's off, or even in suspend mode, it's not telling anyone anything but "Zzzzzzzzz..."

The house phone rings.  I put down the mop, wipe my brow, check the caller ID, and answer.
"Hello?"
"Hello?"  A heavily accented, sounds Indian, male voice queries.
"Hello."  You'd think they'd learn.
"Yes, this is Ron from Microsoft calling about your computer..."  It's always "Ron" or "David", isn't it?  Why can't they at least TRY to be interesting?
I interrupt, because really..."Which one."
"Oh, ah, the, ah, the one with windows..."
"Which one?"
"Ma'am, your computer is reporting a problem to Microsoft..."
"Which computer?  I have several of them."
"Ma'am, your computer, the one with Windows, has communicated that there is a virus in your area and we need to repair it or...
"No problem, I got this."
"Ma'am, excuse me, but you should only let someone from Microsoft make such a repair..."
"No, I got this - it's that sonofabitch roommate of mine.  He's been watching donkey porn again and infected my system, I bet.  Well, me and the Louisville Slugger know how to deal with him AND his diseased computer!  Right after I call the FCC and report the number you're calling from for fraud."
Click.

These people prey on the weak, the frightened, the ignorant, the elderly...they deserve to get a little of their own back.

The house phone rings.  I pry my eyes open, awakened from the nap I was trying to take because my head feels like small explosions are regularly being set off somewhere in the middle where I can't reach with an ice pick to make it stop, check the caller ID, and answer.
"Hello?"
"Hello?"  A heavily accented, sounds Indian, male voice queries.
"Hello."  My voice is groggy and flat - It's on, now, assholes.
"Yes, this is Bob from Microsoft calling about your computer..."
I interrupt, making myself sound a little older and more feeble.  "My what?"
"Your computer ma'am, it is reporting a problem with Windows..."
"My computer doesn't have windows, it has a screen."
"No, the one with Microsoft Windows..."
"Soft windows aren't very effective.  I prefer the ones made of glass."
He's quiet for a moment.  "Ma'am, your computer with the Microsoft program Windows is reporting a problem with..."
"What about my windows?  I just had them washed!"
"No, ma'am, there's a problem with..."
"You bet there is.  I paid you people to wash all my windows outside and the top ones are still filthy.  Shame on you for taking my money, I'm only living on Social Security and ate cat food for a week to pay you!"
"No, ma'am, we didn't clean your windows!  Your computer has a problem with Windows and we need to..."
"Bob...I knew a Bobby once, shifty eyed fellow who never tied his shoes the right way and always smelled of musty rutabagas, are you THAT Bob?"
"No, ma'am..."
"No, you wouldn't be, I don't think he knows how to use a phone OR clean windows properly.  Are you going to come do my top windows or not?"
"Ma'am, I am calling from Microsoft..."
I'll give him this, he's persistent.,  A lesser scammer would have hung up by now, sure I was having him on.  This fellow's no slouch, though, and he is determined to get to the end of his script or die trying.
"Bob, why won't you come fix my windows?  The one in the second floor bathroom squeaks, too, and the least you could do is fix it since you didn't do a proper job before."
"No, ma'am, I'm calling because there's a virus in your Microsoft Windows which is causing a problem with your computer..."
"Oh, no, that's not possible, I have those fancy, double hung Andersen windows, I don't think a virus could get through those...neither can sunlight since you didn't clean them right."
"Ma'am, Microsoft..."
"No need to get personal , Bob.  When you reach my age, you'll be a little soft, too..."
At this point, Bob gives up and ends the call before I can tell him I'm reporting his number to the FCC.

Dang.

The next few times they called I waited until they said my computer was reporting a problem and told them "No, it isn't, this is a scam and I will now be reporting the number you called from to the FCC."

I'm working on my next whammy...maybe something along paranoid lines, since i DO have that and why shouldn't I have some fun with it?

I despise people who prey on others like these scammers are doing, and I think a little righteous fuckery is justified.  Who's with me?