In the next few days we will once again experience a hitch in our gitalong here at Casa de Crazy; despite my best (well, maybe a little lackadaisical) efforts, I have not been able to keep up with the phone bills, so AT&T will be declining to continue our service until I make good with the dough...which means no Blue Nowhere for a bit unless I manage to pull a sizable chunk of dosh out of my bum, which is unlikely. Even a fifty-acre ass has its limitations.
I do not enjoy this half-assed existence I'm living, despite how it may seem. My self-esteem is non-existent. My desire to continue breathing is nil. I'm so damned tired all the time my head is swimming and aches, my vision is blurry, and my entire body feels (on a daily basis) as though it was used for batting practice.
Worst of all, there is no end in sight, and the idea that all I can do lately is drag people down into the muck with me is a weight I don't have the energy or desire to carry any more.
I wish I could just. Give. Up.
I am dragging my ass through the days wondering when I became this person I am ashamed to be, struggling to do something, anything, and feeling the failure wash me away.
I used to think I had something to offer, that my writing or music or photos or anything I did was worth a damn, but lately it just seems to be more pointless crap I have wasted time and resources on.
It's not nice to fell worthless all the time.
Oh, well...life rolls on...right over me...