Aching

Whew...sometimes I wonder if I'll ever have another day without wincing.

Mind you, I know I have it fairly easy - I don't have any kind of degenerative disease or chronic condition...just a body that's getting a little older every day.

Last Thursday I was supposed to go have a little semi-surgical thing done, but I cancelled the appointment the week before. I was trying to get a straight answer as to how medically necessary it was, and no one seemed to be able to quantify the urgency...but given the casual tone of the nurse and the distinct lack of hurry-up in the return calls, I'm thinking I'll keep a little longer.

I don't really want to go have it done, if I'm being honest. I'm already tired, and hurt all over. I don't much care to add another zone of discomfort to the mix. Also, the "procedure" costs darned near $900, and that's with the pay-now discount! Talk about a pain!

Also, also, since I was first made aware of this condition (and that was an irritating process that I'm not sharing publicly...except to say that I'm not a doctor so maybe I don't understand these things, but when a patient tests positive for a condition that could maybe possibly lead to cancer some day in the future, I wouldn't wait almost a year to tell them. Just sayin'.), I was assured that it would most likely clear up. Another test, and I needed to come in for more testing because it wasn't going to go away just yet, and I would need another test. That test was near $300, and after it was done the doctor told me he didn't think there was anything to worry about, they'd call me with the results. Then they called and said I would need a "procedure" to take care of things...and here we sit.

Every step of the way, they've told me everything is fine, it shouldn't need anything more...and then they call and tell me there's more. After this, the next "more" is cancer. Can you blame me?

There's another factor here, one I'm not proud of. I'm tired in more than body. Mind and spirit are worn, too...and I have my darker moments when I must admit that I don't care if it's something worse or this next bit of medical trickery will do. Hey, I promised I wouldn't ever try to take my own life, but I never promised I'd make any effort to live.

Not that I expect anyone will, but don't panic - I am making another appointment. Eventually. Soon.

My toe aches from catching that can o' milk that cliff-dove off the counter two weeks ago. My foot, ankle, knee and hip hurt from compensating for the stupid toe. My lower back is stiff and sore. My middle back has a spot that hurts enough to make my breath catch when I don't move just. Exactly. Right. My neck and shoulders hurt from carrying around this marvelous, sweet, cranky baby girl for most of the day (because I would love to just sit and cuddle her all the time, but the laundry won't do itself, nor the dishes, nor meals prepare themselves...you get the picture), my head aches, my mind is sluggish (four hours of sleep a night for almost a week will do that to me), and my heart and soul are in desperate need of patching, if not a complete overhaul.

I'm trying to bounce. I'm trying to go outside and breathe in the sweet, clean air, trying to smell the honeysuckle and taste the strawberries fresh off the plant and soak in the sweetness, trying to enjoy the simplicity of hanging laundry out to dry...but some days it's all lost in the cacophony of a self that is aching.

How're you feeling?