What If...?

What if I hadn't been molested by a neighbor when I was 10? Would I have seen myself differently? Would I have grown into a different woman? Would I have seen the world differently? Would I have trusted more, or less?

What if I hadn't been molested by a family member between the ages of 13 and 15? Would I have done more, been more? Or would I have done, been, less?

What if I hadn't bee sexually assaulted when I was 18? Would I have felt more, or less, sure of myself?

What if I had stuck with the music degree, fought through the ennui, ignored the barbs of my fellow students, faked the confidence needed to make it through what is (believe it or not) second only to nursing as a killer major? What if I hadn't been content to be in the chorus, but had gone out for the lead every time? Would I be singing in a metropolitan opera house? Or would I be teaching voice lessons to the next aspiring generation?

What if I had paid better attention in English classes? Would I be a published author or still struggling with politely worded rejections? Or would I have seen the folly of trying to break into the vaunted halls of publication?

What if I had swallowed my anger, resentment, and pride and gone back to school, accepted my degree (I had enough credits when I left, how stupid was I to turn my back on that??)? Would I be a better person, more valuable and valued? Or would it make not a whit of difference?

What if I had done whatever it was I needed to do to hold my head up, look the world in the eye, and tell it to go fuck itself when it's being ugly?

What if, what if, what if...

I often say I wouldn't trade a single moment of my past for something different, because it brought me to this present. I've had my share of awful. Who hasn't? But without it, I wouldn't have the Evil Genius, or Sprout, or Someone, or the friends who love and tolerate me and my crazy.

Still...sometimes I will wonder...what if...