Fa La La La La, La La La Blah

I'm struggling with myself right now.  I'm feeling tired and worn, not entirely physically and in ways that mere sleep cannot mend.

Because he's on probation, there are things that Someone is not permitted to do, a curfew he must adhere to, and things that he must do to satisfy the terms of his plea agreement and his probation.

There are varying consequences for failing to do what he must or for doing what he mustn't.  They call these consequences "sanctions".

He was doing well enough, but in the last month he's had four sanctions.  He used substances bot unlawful and prohibited by probation.  The first sanction was extra community service and extra AA meetings.  The second sanction was 24 hours in jail.  The third was 6 days in jail.  Now he's on his fourth, a probation violation, and I'm told he'll be in jail until at least January 3.

He's barely been home and he's gone again.

Once again he will not be with us for Yule.  It is possible that he will miss both children's birthdays as well.  I am once again a single mother.

This has an impact on me, on my children, on our collective lives.  Not only do we not have what income he may have earned because he cannot work while in jail, I have the added expense of paying for phone calls and commissary if I choose to do so, and I can't just leave him in there without the means to communicate, at least.  I won't make the kids do without anything, but it does add to my struggle.  This on top of it being a time for spending on gifts and whatnot.

I hate feeling like I can't give my children very much when it comes to prezzies.  Luckily there are others in their lives who make up for my slack, people like Mom and T and K2 and Mizz A, and many more, all of whom love my children and spoil them silly.  At their ages, keeping the power and water on (not a given on a good day) and food available aren't awfully interesting or important, and honestly I don't even do that on my own, so I can't take credit.  Anyway, it's difficult to wrap the power, but sometimes I'm tempted to put a bow on the faucet.

I suppose I am just feeling the usual ebb that comes with this time of year.  I'm so frustrated by my inability to earn income, to manage finances like a wizard, to keep up with myself...everything seems so bleak to me.

I know it's crass to talk about money, but it'd be easier to avoid talking about if so much of one's value didn't hinge upon one's financial worth and if so much of our life in this country wasn't centered on income, on cash flow.
To help combat these feelings, I'm spending as much time as I can manage in the kitchen for the next few days.  It's cookie season, and while I don't have the demand for them that I used to, I still like to make up plates of cookies and give them to people.  I can still manage a little holiday cheer, even when I'm feeling rather in the dumps...and if making (and saying the name of) Snickerdoodles doesn't bring at least a small smile to my face, then I know things are dire, indeed.

Seriously.  Say "Snickerdoodle" without cracking even the tiniest grim.  Betcha can't.

Away, Away, For a Year and a Day

Well...I hope it isn't that long!

Alas, despite my hope to start daily blogging again in 2012, I am thwarted by the mighty dollar...or, rather, by the lack thereof. The Internet and phones are shut off until further notice at Casa de Crazy, which makes it bloody difficult to blog! I'll be back and blogging daily when I can pay these unreasonable people - imagine, demanding money for their service! The unadulterated gall!

I miss you folks...I miss the Blue Nowhere...and I hope you won't all drift away while I'm floundering here in reality. I may have access once in a while when I am visiting Mum (like I am now), but it'll be sporadic at best.

See you again soon...I hope...

I Came Home Why?

Oh, yeah...because Ohio was hot, the Internet failed mid-week, and the cats were getting lonely.

Sigh.

It was a good trip, I just got in, have to get the Evil Genius settled. My feet are poofy from the heat, humidity, and what felt like several years in the van, driving home.

I may not have Internet for a while - the phones are already turned off (how lovely to come home to that) and the Net is sure to follow...but tomorrow I will try my dangdest to get things rolling again. If AT&T isn't willing to work with me, though, it'll be a while before I'm cruising the Blue Nowhere again.

Double sigh. Anyone have a rich uncle who'd like to adopt??

And what a day it's been.

It started out simply enough - I got up before everyone else and made a wholesome, nutritious, freshly cooked breakfast for my beloved family dropped in a load of laundry and did the meme I was tagged with. Bird was asleep when I got up, and I did nothing to discourage that, even shushing the keys on the keyboard when they clacked too loudly as I typed.

After Bird and T got up, we were looking over our six-inch stack of bills - that's no exaggeration, I measured them, and even without all the inserts, offers, and extraneous stuff, it was a six-inch pile - and trying to decide who got the two dollars and twelve cents we had left before next payday. On a lark, I checked the bank account. Perhaps the money fairies visited?

Oh, glorious day, they placed a beautiful egg in our rather sad little nest!!

OK, not really, but our tax refund did finally get kicked through the system and came to rest right where we wanted it - our anemic bank account. So far, a good day, yes?

Well, in the spirit of conspicuous consumerism and doing our part for the economy, we decided to do something today that wasn't in our original plans. We decided to go shopping.

Well, after we paid some bills, of course - I am not a complete irresponsible moron.

Fast forward a few happy minutes doing the online bill-pay thing, because we are nothing if not into instant gratification around here. This is where things got a little hairy.

You see, Bird wanted to play with his GeoTrax trains. Lord and Lady above, he loves those dang things. He had his heart set on building an enormous, top-floor-of-the-house-consuming track system with multiple levels, ramps, bridges, guard rails, buildings, and a thriving economy, and a presidential race that could heat to boiling at any moment. So when I told him we were going out to run errands, his Majesty didn't approve. He strenuously disapproved, in fact. Loudly. At great length. This set the tone for the rest of our day.

First, the furniture store, to get the poor boy a bed. He has a bed, but it's a little...well...the worse for wear. It seems the evil genius, when three, figured out that he could pull out the nifty drawers in the base of the my-parents-are-cheap-bastards-and-won't-spring-for-decent-furniture-so-they-bought-this-POS-bed-at-the-Evil-Empire bed made of particle board and use them to stand in for added height, thereby causing the glorified cardboard bottoms to fall through, the sides to cave in, and general mayhem to follow. Now there are gaping holes in the base of the bed. Also, the corners are sharp enough to slice through a tin can and then cut paper thin tomato slices with no dulling! So the kid needs a new bed. T tried to show him the one we were looking at online, but it wasn't there any more, and Bird decided he wanted the one with pink and purple flowers instead. Oy. I don't care, but T takes it personally when our son suddenly wants to be a girl.

As we were negotiating the Treaty of Versailles our egress from the house, I realized "Oh, crap, I forgot to start the roast for dinner tonight!!!" In italics, no less. So we tagged off - T wrestling the resistant child into clothing (a bit like getting a cat into pantyhose, I think) - and me retrieving the crock pot from the highest shelf in the cupboard without dropping the lid on my head or toe, slicing onions, almost my finger, garlic, there goes a nail, put them into the crock pot with some fresh thyme, add the roast, why isn't Bird in his pants yet?, salt, pepper, garlic powder on the roast, in the crock pot, did I just see a naked butt come through here at mach 3??, more onions, garlic, thyme, I did, I did see a naked butt!!!, dump in potatoes, no time to check for bad ones, they'll just have to behave except that one which looks suspicious so fish it out, add carrots, cover, wrangle the anaconda child into jacket and...go!!

Whew.

We did get out the door and loaded into the car, even made it into the furniture store without too much trouble, but...well... We found the bed, he loved it, we bought it. No, not really. You didn't think it would be that easy, did you?? No. No, it wasn't. You see, we live a credit card free life. We do have a debit card, but it has a limit. Remember we paid bills earlier? Uh-oh. Before we left the house, I called the credit union, went to our local branch and wrote the little "May I please spend our money?" note, and was told "No problem, go, be free." At the furniture store, it seems that the bank didn't actually mean what they said. Sigh. I had to call them, ask the sales lady if I could fax something, faxed it, waited, tried the card, nothing, called the bank, had to fax something else, went through the whole song and dance again, all while Bird was trying out every couch, recliner, sofa, ottoman, bed, chair, table, bench, desk, light fixture and lint ball in the place, with T in tow trying to minimize the collateral damage of a rogue five-year-old. I think I had the easy bit, truth be told.

We did it, though. Getting Bird back into the car was a bit like nailing Jell-o to the wall. Go on, try it, I'll just sit here and file down the fingernail I sliced off earlier.

See? Not so easy, is it?

On to Lowe's, where we browsed through the refrigerators, pricing them. I must say, I was shocked that the dang things cost as much as a used car these days. Who knew? Not really enchanted with anything there, we left, but not before we had to retrieve Bird from the lawn-tractor section where he was making goo-goo eyes at a John Deere, two-timing it with the Husqvarna, and triple -timing them both with the Troybilt. By the way? His feet almost touched the pedals so sometime next year he'll be opening his own lawn service company to support us, or at least his gummi-worm habit.

We had to stop for lunch because I needed sustenance and the Nathan's hot dog stand looked so lost and forlorn without us that we had to take pity and stop for hot dogs, fries, and shakes. Really, it was necessary.

Fortified with our nutritious meal, we made our way south to investigate our next necessary purchase - a functioning TiVo (ours is lingering in a half-dead daze). Bird took advantage of the ride to recharge his mischief unit nap. Lucky us. We made it into Fry's without too much trouble - we have rules about parking lots that Bird knows well and actually honors, so no one got run over or anything.

Have you ever been to Fry's? It's an electronics wonderland! We love that store. We can spend hours there, just wandering around drooling. We found the TiVo, but after a lengthy discussion with the very helpful salesman we decided not to buy the TiVo. Please don't ask me for details...my head was spinning with all the technical jargon flying around - I had to duck one phrase that looked like it was headed right for my eye! Bird was disinterested, so he and I wandered off and entertained ourselves with the varying views of Ice Age available on the never-ending television displays until T staggered back to us with the news that the TiVo era was over, for satellite viewers. Shot through the heart. Oh, well...why not wander over to the appliances and...say, what's this? Is it...is it...a Phillips Ambilight television on sale for...for...how much??? Argh, snared!! There's no escape, save yourselves!!!

It followed us to the appliance area and sat brooding in the corner, menacing anyone who mentioned not buying it (namely, me). It didn't matter, though because once among the appliances, I was smitten.

I didn't mean for it to happen. Mostly, I figured I would be fishing Bird out of the freezers, dryers, dishwashers, and varying appliance cavities into which he crawled seeking...I don't know what, honestly, while half-heartedly perusing prices and thinking they were all out of my league. Instead, I saw it. From across the room, my eyes were drawn to a handsome, strong fellow with a come-hither shine and wearing a tiny little price that just screamed "Take me!! Take me now!!!" I tried to resist. "You're not right for me, you're too big, too polished, too refined for me." I wandered over to another, tried to love it, but I couldn't. Even though I knew this love was all wrong, that I could never reconcile it with the rest of my appliance family of black and (ugh) almond, I couldn't deny the love I had for this steely beauty. Oh, my. The others would welcome this newcomer, wouldn't they? They'd learn to love him as I did, right? I opened one door, then another, trembling at the sight of so much emptiness waiting for me to fill it with...ahem. I found my fridge. Yes I did. If the dishwasher and stove don't like it, they can be replaced next year; the fridge has stainless kin just waiting to pile into my kitchen and delight me.

During this extravaganza, this showcase of the ultimate American pastime of spend, spend, spend, Bird was bored. Bored, bored, bored. Fry's may be a wonderland for the grownups, but it's a colossal yawn for a little guy. He started running hither and thither, but not yon. Not yet. He was saving yon for a total meltdown, which thankfully never quite came. We were close, though. So while the bored, active, inquisitive little evil genius was finding ways to amuse himself, T was trying to avert complete disaster and I was mooning over my new love. Sigh. So dreamy. Luckily we were there during a slow patch and the sales people were kind, patient, and understanding, even when I had to examine several units (refrigerators, you pervs!!) to compare features, call my mum a dozen times to ask her advice, and waffle several times before finally conceding the obvious - that I couldn't live without the one who first caught my eye. Bored child finally settled into one of the "fun chairs", the floor sample massage chairs. He loves those things. Not as much as his GeoTrax, but they'll do in a pinch.

The television was not pleased to learn that one of them would have to wait until tomorrow to be claimed as our very own. I relented and told T the television could come home first, and they did a little dance in the aisle while I whispered reassurances to my new love that we would be united in only a day - for I shall return tomorrow and complete our arrangements to have the dashing fellow brought to me on Sunday. Ahh, bliss.

The journey homeward was pleasant - T and I each replete with our purchase choices, minds occupied with plans for our new additions. T has to clean off the entertainment center and I must empty the current cooler-of-foodstuffs. Mum told me I have to clean the floor underneath, but why? There's going to be a fridge on top of it! Kidding!! It'll be the one time I clean that patch of floor, truth be told - I am not the move-the-fridge-to-clean type, unless something actually spills under there. Leave the Serendusti in peace, I say.

Now that I've thrilled you with my tales of thriftless living, I am spent (ha!) and am off to bed, perchance to dream of a certain stainless steel, magnet friendly new amour...

Oh, and the roast turned out fine.