The Beige Illusion

I have good days.  I do.  And every day I know that I have much to be grateful for.  I know this sorrow, this grief, this darkness, is an illusion.  When I'm in the middle of it, it feels awfully real and permanent, but I cling to the certainty of past experience - it will pass.  Eventually.

Today I am struggling with feeling useless, pointless.  The tremendous stone of "Why bother?" is trying to crush me.  I'm staring out at the world through futility colored glasses.  It just kind of came over me all of a sudden, the way that it does, and walloped me upside the heart.  There is no cure for this.  There's only endurance.

So I endure.

And I distract.  I can't ignore the feeling entirely, but maybe I can distract myself a little, and so I try.  I'm working on a crocheted thing for Sprout, who announced that she wished I would make HER something with the soft yarn.  In fact, she wished I would make her a circle.  So...a circle I am endeavoring to make.  It's not perfect, but she's five and doesn't notice, or care.  All that matters to her is that she asked and I am making, and I'm using some lovely soft yarn and soon she will have a circle for whatever a child of five needs a circle for.

The Evil Genius and I chatted about this Pokemon Go game he and Sprout are playing, and we decided that maybe later could be a nice time to go out and ferret out and stops in the area.  I don't pretend to understand all of the details of this game, but I've cottoned on to the fact that one must go into the world to reload on balls that are intrinsic to the playing.  I wonder if I could be forgiven for the lazy extravagance of taking the kids through some fast food joint and then motoring around our neck of the woods in search of Pokestops.  It's a loose plan, we'll see if I can make it happen.

I learned how to crochet a feather/leaf design.  In the grand scheme of things, who cares?  But I learned something, a tiny little nothing of a something, and that's a kind of triumph over the weight of entropy that makes it difficult to breath, sometimes.

I am still fighting a war with my own brain.  This battle, today's, is a losing one, but I can't win them all...at best, I can hope to win more than I lose and meanwhile keep slogging along until I get to the other side, where perhaps the sun is shining, I don't feel so damned lost and lonely, and maybe I can string together some good days into a necklace for my memory to wear when the bad days start knocking me around again.