Quote of the day...er...week...umm...hey, look, a quote!!

Tibi gratias agimus quod nihil fumas.

It says "...freedom of...", not "...freedom from...".

"It's amazing to me how many people think that voting to have the government give poor people money is compassion. Helping poor and suffering people is compassion. Voting for our government to use guns to give money to help poor and suffering people is immoral self-righteous bullying laziness. People need to be fed, medicated, educated, clothed, and sheltered, and if we're compassionate we'll help them, but you get no moral credit for forcing other people to do what you think is right. There is great joy in helping people, but no joy in doing it at gunpoint." - Penn Jillette







Monday, October 3, 2011

Underneath

"Thanks for your help. Is there anything you need? Anything I can do for you?"

"Nope, I'm good thanks." On the surface.

Or "Sure - I could use a half-million dollars or a winning lottery ticket I'm not picky."

Or "A clone could be useful."

But never "Yes, in fact, I could use my phone bill paid, or the trash bill, or even some nappies or cat food or toilet paper would be nice. Or a new mop head so I can clean my floor without having to use a sponge. I could also use some winter clothing for the kids, but I don't have the money for any of that right now."

And certianly not "Sure - I'd like it if I felt like someone, anyone, gave a crap about my dreams and actualy listened when I spoke of them, listened without wondering when I would shut up or they coul start telling me what they are thinking because I'm so very boring and really, who cares?"

And never "I need some time for myself, time when I know the children are looked after so I don't spend it worrying whether the children are looked after, time when I can write freely, time when I can just...breathe...without someone making a demand for my attention."

And not "I'm trying to figure out how to make sure the van's in good shape and there's money for Someone to take it to Ohio in two weeks."

And never "My computer is crapping out a little at a time and I can't repair or replace it, and my dvd player has frozen and I can't get it to turn on or eject the dvd in there, and every sink in the house has some kind of malfunction and so do all the tub drains. Also, the lights in the kitchen go through bulbs like the Evil Genius goes through gum and the downstairs fan makes the whole living room vibrate, and my camera is failing alongside the computer, and I can't get any of it repaired."

And never, ever "Lately I've been thinking it would be awfully nice if a truck crossed the center line and hit my van head on, as long a the kids aren't with me. I'd really like to think I have a life worth living, but while my external life is a good one and I know it, my internal self feels battered, bruised, and bleeding and I don't think it is ever going to heal and I'm tired, so tired, of the constant hurting."

No. No, better to say "I'm fine, thanks, have a good one" and leave the enquirer their illusions.

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

Oh hun, I hear you loud and clear. Far too often lately I dream of gathering up what little credit I have left available, and just walking away from it all. Away from the 120 year old house, away from the hubby who loves me but loves his hobbies more, away from the kids who I love more than life itself, but who were never part of the "plan", away from the debt, and the van that is likely one more missed oil change away from disaster... away from the job that keeps me busy but leaves me feeling pointless and unappreciated, and doesn't quite cover the bills, and somehow like a menial clerk despite my college and university education because I am just a girl... away from the mice in the kitchen that make me hate cooking even though I used to love it...

and yet I do the same as you... smile and say it's all good. I don't know how to ask for help; I never have. Things are approaching critical mass, and just once I would like to be able to stop being the responsible adult and just walk away.

Sorry this is not exactly going to cheer you up any, but you are not alone in this darkness.

Vodka Mom said...

I'm fine.



really.



I'm fine.



xxxx

Mamma Schmoo said...

It is like you wrote all my thoughts down. Hugs to you Darling!! I know exactly how you feel and to top it all off we are looking at a nice, long, cold, Canadian winter. :(