Miscommunication

Pardon me, do you mind if I vent a bit? Thanks - sometimes a body just needs to let it out a little.

I got up before dawn this morning because I was scheduled to work communications at the track. I was very quiet, careful not to wake Someone or the Evil Genius. I packed the lunch I made last night, made sure I has plenty of water, kissed Someone goodbye and headed out.

I watched the sun rise and hoped for a pretty day. I even had a quasi-poetic thought about how the sun was gently brushing the pines, coaxing a bronze blush from them as he crept higher into the sky.

Then I was told that there'd been a mistake and I wasn't needed in the tower after all. It's no one's fault, really - the people running the event didn't know I was coming and offered to let me work a turn instead, as a safety marshall...but I can't do that any more, and may never again because I'm just not fit enough. The woman who arranges workers for the event has parents and in-laws with failing health and has a lot on her plate, so she may have gotten muddled as to which events they needed me for. The organizers felt bad...but what could they do? So I came home.

I tried to lie back down, hoping to sleep, but my mind wouldn't let me.

I wasn't going to be paid a tremendous lot for the weekend, but it would have taken care of my car insurance...which will now lapse Sunday at midnight, leaving me uninsured and with a suspended license (that's how it works in Redneck Central - your insurance lapses and they suspend your license) indefinitely.

I am a wee stressed about that.

I am feeling very low right now. Very useless, and rather like a burden. Woe is me and all that crap. I needed this boost. Not just the money...I needed to be doing something that felt useful, something at which I am rather good. I needed to hear people happy to know I was there, and needed to feel like I'm earning my keep a little. I needed NOT to feel like a freakin' lump of gristle, purposeless, disposable, pointless. I needed to feel proud of a job I was doing.

So here I sit with these thoughts scrabbling in circles around my head. I would very much like to crawl into bed and just not get up again. Let 'em turn off the power, the water, the phone and Internet, who gives a shit? If it was just me, I would...because no one would notice or care. But I have Someone (and thank the Goddess, because his love? Is a tonic.) and the Evil Genius, and four cats, and Mum might eventually figure out I hadn't called and wonder what was up...

Sigh.

And fuck.

Flat Broke and Busted

It sucks being broke.

Not so broke that we can't afford groceries or power or the occasional jaunt through the drive-through (our answer to fine dining, these days), but the kind of broke where I can't necessarily help someone who needs it.

I'd like to make a donation to Crystal's Paying It Forward For Kids fund, but the money isn't there.

I'd like to support a fellow (and better) author by buying one of Writer Dad's Wee books, but I just can't.

I wanted to help out with this family by bidding on something, but...couldn't.

There are so many places that I could donate money and feel really good about it - certainly better than I will for spending five bucks on a solo, venti, mocha frappuccino with whip - and it'd be better for my arse...if only I had the cash.

Sigh.

Right now, we have to focus on replacing T's car...his Toyota is about to require more than we can put into it...and for what it would cost to make repairs, we can buy a new (really used) vehicle...and the payments (repayments, since someone amazing is making us a loan) will make for some interesting budgeting for a few months while we sort them out.

Double sigh.

So what would you do with a few extra dollars - after the new car, kitchen makeover (oh, we could SO use one of those, too), and a vacation, I mean?