Thoughtfetti

 I drove to Ohio this past weekend; a friend moved into new digs and needed household goods, and Mom, K2, and I had some things to donate, so I took 'em up.  I used the opportunity to go, be, and do.  Also, it worked as a test run for leaving the kids home without a minder - if all goes well, maybe Mom and I will be going off for a minute in the late summer, and the kids don't want a minder for that stretch.  He's 18, she's 10, and they're both pretty darned good at taking care of themselves and each other, so I may be generally nervous at the prospect in a generic, mom sort of way, but they should be just fine.  Probably.  Yeah.
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The advent of spring and the vernal equinox/Easter means Robin Eggs in the candy department.  I tend to lose my perspective on healthy eating, in the presence of Robin Eggs.  This year, I only bought one bag.  Resisting the temptation to buy a dozen bags and squirrel them away all over Casa de Crazy?  Whew!  Also?  There are still some Robin Eggs in the bag.  I know!
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Didn't feel like making breakfast or mucking about in the kitchen so I had ginger snaps and tea for brekky.  When did ginger snaps become so spicy???
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Pollen count high.  Over 1,000.  I'd try to be more accurate, but it's difficult to count when one keeps sneezing.  It's mostly tree pollen.  They're getting their revenge for all the camp fires.  Side note - I park in a garage, at home, and my car is still turning yellow.
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I wish I could change the channel inside my head.  The narrative my mind keeps telling me has gotten kind of old.  Where's a good superhero movie when you want one?
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Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Ah.

Ah, who?

Werewolves of London!

Say it out loud, it makes more sense that way.  You're welcome.  

Thoughtfetti

Poor Sam is miserable.  Thousands of can’t-really-afford-them dollars in tests and medication and she’s still stuck in the cone, still trying to scratch herself bloody...and sometimes succeeding.  My heart aches.

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I bought stamps.  The USPS is, in my opinion, vital.  I could expand on that thought, but I’ll spare you.  The moon landing stamps are purty!  They have lots of nifty designs, just in case you need to know that.

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Today was errands day.  It was a little windy.

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Storms rolled through last night.  I was asleep.  I’m told they were impressive.

I’ve been sewing masks.  Nothing fancy and I’m slow at it, but it gives me something to do.  I’m giving them away.  Like I said, it gives me something to do.  

~~~~~

How’re you doing?

Thoughtfetti

On my way elsewhere I decided to get some lunch.  I chose Zaxby’s because they’re fast-ish food and at least seem healthier than other drive-through options.  Being possessed of a large dollop of weird sentiment, I chose to try the Shazam related ( I have no idea how) Honey Butter Bacon sandwich - chicken filet, bacon, and honey butter sauce.  So much potential to go wrong, but it was pretty good!  The honey butter wasn’t too sweet or overpowering, and the chicken was crispy.  I peeled the top part of the bun off halfway through because I didn’t want the bread.  It’s something I might order again for a change of pace.

~~~~~

The end is nigh.  I know this because I worked on weeding the iris bed yesterday evening.  It only makes sense that the apocalypse will follow.

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I find myself thinking, once again, about hate.  Hatred is a cage, fear the bait that draws us in, anger the lock that keeps us trapped, hope, compassion, and yes, love, the keys that will free us.

~~~~~

I’m struggling, but my head is just above water and I know that I will float again if only I can keep treading a little while longer.  It’s a painful, dreadful kind of hope and knowing because right now, just the idea of it all is exhausting.  So much easier to just relax and let the dark water swallow me.  Still, I keep on.  It does get better.  

~~~~~

What’s new in your life?

Thoughtfetti

Do you ever experience whiteout vision?  When everything sort of washes out and looks like an over exposed photo?  Sometimes I get it in the morning when I first get out of bed, and sometimes it happens during the day when I'm really active for a spell and then slow down.  Human bodies are weird.
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Not related to the above, I've been laid out for the last two days.  I'm doing as little as possible today so I'll have the oomph I need for Sprout's birthday party tomorrow.  She's turning eight next week.  Yikes!
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I keep my heat set at 68 F, most of the time.  How come in the spring and summer that's warm, but come winter it's ice-cube time?
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If itchy palms means money will soon cross them, what do itchy eyes mean?
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~~~~~
How're you doing?

Thoughtfetti

Sometimes when I’m out in the world, I put in my earbuds and listen to music.  I have lots of music in my device of devicing, and also Pandora.  Sometimes instead of music, I turn on my Eddie Izard station.  I am rather fond of him.  Don’t tell anyone, but I may have a tiny fan girl crush on him. 

The Eddie Izard station plays quite a few other comedians, and I’m often laughing.

Turns out when one is wandering up and down the aisles of the local grocery store, chuckling and laughing out loud for no discernible reason, one makes other shoppers nervous.  Turn their cart around and go the other way nervous.
~~~~~

I may have mentioned this before, but I tend to drive on the faster side of the speed limit.  Imagine my astonishment when I was toddling along a two lane road at just over what the law allowed and someone decided that I was too slow and should be passed on the left on a blind curve, no passing zone.

They didn’t benefit much from their foolery - they got to the light about 12 seconds before I did.  Yes, I snapped a photo.  Rude and dangerous = public shaming, and they’re lucky they didn’t have a head-on collision because that’s a busy road.
~~~~~
We’ve already had our annual cookie swap, but I still have a lot of baking to do.  I’ll be making snickerdoodles, oatmeal-everything cookies, white trash cookies, and possibly some variety of chocolate/white chocolate bark and crack.  The toffee/chocolate kind, not the legally dubious stuff.  Do you have a holiday cooking/treat tradition?
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I’ve never been much for Chia Pets, but I may have to make an exception.

Can you blame me?

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Go watch this video - it’s worth it:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-cUz-zAATNI&feature=share 

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How are your holidays shaping up, dear reader?

Thoughtfetti

My nose and feet are cold.  COLD!

It's 72 degrees inside Casa de Crazy and I have cold body parts.

Oy.
~~~~~
There is something deeply satisfying about crusty French rolls and salted butter.
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I went for almost a month without turning on, or even plugging in, my computer.  Whoa.
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I didn't realize that DST was starting? ending?  Luckily my phone and computer take care of that for me, or the next week would have been...interesting...
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It's November, over 70 degrees inside my house, and have I mentioned that my nose and feet are cold?  because they are.  Cold.
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Casa de Crazy is a mess, and I'm determined to have it clean for Thanksgiving.  That shouldn't be a problem, but I feel like I'm moving through Jell-O all the time, and things that should be quick and easy?  Aren't.  Oh, well.  It'll all get done, somehow.
~~~~~
Whoever invented the freezer deserves a medal or sainthood or something.  I can make soup, freeze it, and then share it or have it whenever I want.  My children won't eat soup.  I am not entirely sure they're mine.
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My daughter has decided that it's her job to clean off the dining table.  With a sopping paper towel and a generous dollop of dish soap.  Bless her heart.
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Next weekend begins the Great Casa Garage Cleanup of 2017.  It is possible that I could be able to park in that space before Winter is over!  Hurrah!  Mizz A is coming down to help me because she's an incredible person who never shirks helping out a friend, and I'm lucky to have her or the garage would likely never have another vehicle in it.  Also, the kids and cats adore her.

Goodwill and the rubbish company will be getting a bonanza.  I will be getting an inside parking place again.  Win-win-win.
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I'm going to go tuck myself under a blanket despite the warm house, because did I tell you that my feet and nose are cold?
~~~~~
What're you up to, today?

Thoughtfetti

I have a friend with cancer.  He was just diagnosed.  I have hope that he will battle and win.  I have fear that he will battle and lose.  May hope triumph over fear.
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Sometimes things escalate so quickly that I get thoroughly lost and wonder how the hell that happened, what I did wrong.  I've tried to stop shouldering blame for it, but it still bewilders me.
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I keep getting headaches.  They radiate from the crown of my head down the muscles and into the basal skull area, and sometimes they make my shoulders ache.
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I love my children, but once in a great while I kinda wish I was on my own, no one depending on me, no one to clean up after.  I suspect many mothers experience this.  I don't feel guilty for it, and I would never tell my kids I feel that way, but I will occasionally daydream about how different life could be before getting back to folding laundry or doing dishes.
~~~~~
I'm so tired all the time, I think I could sleep for a week and still have bags and dark circles under my eyes.  I wonder what people think, when they see me.  My mind tells me they don't think nice things.  My mind isn't kind
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The kittens are walking...well...wobbling, anyway, and lort, they are precious!  I can't help but smile at them - kitten therapy cures many ills.
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How're you doing?

Thoughtfetti (with photos!)

The kids and I were at an event in Florida in March.  While there, we became acquainted with a tree that the chidren dubbed 'The Coolest Tree in the World!" TM, Patent pending.

It's an oak that was knocked over some years ago in a hurricane.  Despite having been laid low, it continues to grow.

I like this tree.

~~~~~

 I'd like to dye my hair again.  Last year, K2 bought a box of this and we did my hair without bleaching it, and I liked the results.  I'm thinking of doing it again.  Heck, there are still faint traces of last year's blueing in my hair!  Maybe in June.

~~~~~
Proof that I do, indeed, like dogs: 

This is Sonny Brown.  He's an agility champion.  He has the magic ability to know there's a biscuit within begging range, and he has sense enough to know who the warmest person in the room is and come sit with her when it's chilly outside.  I'm not usually fond of small dogs, but Sonny is one of the exceptions.  He likes me even though I rarely have a biscuit to share.
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Our one remaining female feral cat, Twoer, had kittens.  She had four but one didn't make it past the third day, poor wee thing.  The other three sausages are thriving.

There are few ills that can't be at least mitigated by a kitten cuddle puddle.

 The Evil Genius claimed the right to name this one, and he named it Hamster.

 Lort, the cute!  Sprout has named the black one (which also has white on its not-visible-in-the-photo tummy) Sausage.  The tabby has a name in the works - I offered Someone the option to name and he's mulling.
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I have long enjoyed an Asian cucumber salad that K2 makes.  Seriously, for years.  I only just asked her for the recipe so I could make it at home.  Slow, me, but I get there eventually.  Lort, but I like these cukes!

~~~~~
Despite feeling a little chilly here at Casa de Crazy at the moment, things are growing, blooming, and ripening.  The blueberries are teasing me - they take on a slightly blue hue and then...sit there.  They know I'm waiting.  I know they're torturing me.  Every year, it's our thing.  Soon, delicious berries...soon...

~~~~~
How're you doing?

Thoughtfetti

With apologies to Robert Frost...something there is that does not love a charger cable.  Good cables make happy devices.  My devices, particularly my phone, are not happy.  Not just mine - darned near every cable in this house is cantankerous.  We can't keep them functioning around here.  Children are hard on charger cords and lose bricks left and right, and this leaves me wondering where mine went when they borrow 'em from me.  Somewhere, someone is making a fortune off of my family as I buy more cables with the hopes that maybe they'll last out the year.  Sigh.  I hope they enjoy their vacation home.
~~~~~
I have never kissed a clean shaven man.

That thought popped into my head a few days ago, and made me giggle because it is apropos of nothing, but I can't seem to get it out of my head.
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Another thought I can't seem to be shed of - it is impossible to sneeze in your sleep.  Just try to unlearn or forget that.  Betcha can't.
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The band I'm in is getting back into a practice schedule in preparation for the coming season.  We'll be at Phoenix Phyre in March and May Moon Madness in May.  We're waiting to hear from our usual June event.  I hope we have a few more performances this year.  I like to sing.  It feels good.
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Depression is most unkind.  I'm trying to keep ahead of it right now with little success.  Still, because I'm trying not to sink any further into the bogs, I've been working in my sewing room.  I've done inventory of my sarongs and clothing and now have lists of what I would like to order, what I'd like to sew,  and a couple of ideas for new (to me) designs.  I also pulled what I have on hand to sew into clothing so I can maybe get a jump on it instead of waiting until the last minute.  It will help me feel productive.  I could use that.
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For more than a week I've been able to wear shorts both inside and outside Casa de Crazy.  In January.  Shorts.  Crazy.
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In a few weeks I'm going on a cruise with Mom, and I'm looking forward to it.  The kids, cats, and Casa will have to do without me for ten days while I learn some new quilting techniques and drift around the Caribbean with a passle of other quilters.  For a change, I'm looking forward to February.
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How are you doing?

Thoughtfetti

"Mama, what do oak trees do?"
"They grow tall and wide and produce acorns."
"No, but what do they REALLY do?"
"Ask one and see what it says."
She did.  It didn't answer.  I told her to listen differently.  She did.  Now she won't tell me what it said.
~~~~~
Code enforcement came by the house yesterday.  Some kind anonymous soul called them to complain about trash and debris in our yard.  They knocked on the door, told me who they were and why they were there, and let me know that my yard is fine.  Nothing wrong.  They didn't understand why they were called.

There is no trash or debris in our yard.  There has not been.  There will not be.  Since Someone got out of prison he has been coming over in his spare time and cleaning up the yard, in fact.

I explained that I knew who called, even though they can't tell me...same person who has done all of the calling since she moved in next door, and it was likely because they don't like us and are trying to harass us into moving.  The officers were not happy.  They know they've been out here before for nothing and don't like that kind of BS.  Code enforcement and law enforcement are not meant to be used to bother neighbors or try to make their lives hell.

I was polite, friendly, and helpful.  I listened and answered with a light tone of voice and with respect.  They apologized profusely for bothering me, and I answered that they have a job to do and I don't grudge them doing it one little bit.  They appreciated that.

Every time they are called out here by Anonymous for nothing, they become a little less inclined to think kindly of her.  They will always respond and come to the house, but they will also likely keep note of how often they are sent on a wild goose chase.

I suspect Anonymous will be finding herself on the receiving end of a nuisance citation from local law enforcement if she keeps this up.  I suspect I may feel the need to stop making nice if she keeps this up.  I suspect I may look into whether I can bring a suit against her for harassment if she doesn't cut it out.  I suspect she will learn the hard way that I will not be budged once I dig in my heels, and that kindness and compassion will move mountains but pissy assholery will garner less than nothing from me.

Some folks just have to learn the hard way.
~~~~~
"Mama, where should I plant my oak tree?"
She found some acorns and wants to grow trees.  She has an idea that it will be instant...but trees are not like microwave popcorn.  Trees take time and patience and there is no guarantee.  I suggested planting them in the woods.  If they don't turn into trees, then perhaps they can at least turn into a squirrel's breakfast.
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Someone has been working in the yard and garden.  11 days back out in the world and he's already cleaned up 2 years of neglect in about 1/3 of the space I've ignored.  I'm so NOT a yard work kind of person!
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I believe in second chances.
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"I want to be a veterinarian."
"Okay."
"When can I be one?"
"Well, you'll need some specialized schooling and whatnot, so maybe when you're a grown-up, but we can find ways to help animals long before that."
"I'm going to feed the kitties!"

It's a start.
~~~~~
I'm in love with the way the sunlight slips gently into Casa de Crazy through the windows and gives a pale golden glow to everything it touches.  I am not often a person of favorites, but I do hold Autumn highest in my seasonal esteem.
~~~~~
How are you doing?

Thoughtfetti

I am preparing for race week.  What this means for me is a little house cleaning, a little taking out the trash and laundry, a little doing of dishes, a little planning of menus, and a lot of making sure things get put into the van so when I go set up my registration area, I have what I need and don't have to make trips.  I'm lazy and don't want to make trips.
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After race week, I'm going to Ohio with the kids to camp and hang out with friends and not do much of anything.  I lam looking forward to simply being in a place that I love with people that I love and no obligations to perform, vend, organize, or whatnot.  First things first, getting through race week mostly intact.
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Next Saturday, Someone gets out of prison.  He wants the opportunity to talk and work things out.  I can't, in good conscience, deny him at least the opportunity...but if I am true to my feelings, true to myself, I can't give him false hope.  My emotional heart's tired and not in it.  Loneliness is no excuse to hurt another person, and I'm already hurting him with this ending.
~~~~~
Autumn nears.  If the crunchy brown leaves on the driveway aren't clue enough, today I hauled trash out and pottered in the garage for a little while and I didn't feel as if I was going to melt into a puddle after five minutes, and my clothing wasn't soaked with sweat.  The mosquitoes are trying to convince me that it's still summertime, but it's a losing battle.
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A friend of mine did an adult activity book called 'Murica, and it's available on Amazon.  It has caused me much laughter.  Go check it out, and maybe order a copy - you'll likely find something in it to make you chortle, and you'll be helping an independent and truly marvelous person make ends meet.
~~~~~
The Unpleasant Neighbor has many dogs.  That's okay, I have many cats, I don't judge.  However, several of her many dogs are quite vociferous.  Especially when we exit casa de Crazy and try to enjoy our outdoor environs.  Yarf.  Yap. Bark.  Woof.  WoofwoofwoofwoofwoofWWWWOOOOOOOOOFFFFFF!!!!!

I try to ignore it, sometimes talk to it and try to reassure it that we're all good, try not to let it bother me, but when I am trying to sleep and it's before the sun is up and the kids let the dog into the yard as they leave for school and it barks incessantly and no one in their house wants to get up and let it in, and when that barking is done at the part of their fenced area that is almost on top of the outside of the wall against which my bed rests on the inside, well...I'm only human.  It wakes me up every damned morning.

On the upside, if the irresponsible humans who have done nothing to train their critter friends and generally ignore them leave the dogs out during the day, they let me know when anyone has come down the driveway, so it's much more difficult for people to sneak up on Casa de Crazy.  I do try to find the good in things.  Woof.
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This made me laugh entirely too hard.  I neither know nor care if it's photoshopped.  A laugh is a laugh.

~~~~~

I learned a new crochet pattern.  It's meant to be a peacock feather but I kind of modified it to be a leaf-ish thing.  I'm thinking of making a shawl of a whole mess of them.  First I have to make the whole mess of them, but I can do that while I ignore the TV of an evening.  It's a tiny thing, really, but many tiny things can be made into big things, and I feel pretty chuffed about it.
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If you are on Facebook, check out the Bangor, Maine page.  I adore it.  If it were in the cards fro me to relocate to Bangor, Maine, that page would be one of the motivating factors.  I could happily live in a place where even ONE of the officers has that kind of good humor.
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This song was stuck in my head today.  Now it can be stuck in yours.  Cyndi Lauper has some serious vocal chops and I respect the hell out of her talent.

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What're you up to, these days?  Small or large, what's making you happy?

Thoughtfetti

For the first time in more than a year, I can park in the garage.  My friend A came down and helped me clean it a few weeks ago, and today she came and helped me do the last few little things needed to get a van in there.  There is even plenty of room for me to bring in the avocado plants for the winter and still get to the big freezer.  Bonus, when the weather is bad enough, long enough, I can back out of the garage and let them play in there!
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Tonight, A and I are tackling the Evil Genius's room - we hope to clear enough that we can close his door tonight, and then tomorrow will plow through as much as we can.  It may not get all the way clean, but I have reason to believe a significant dent will be made.  A lot of clothing and toys will be going away - anything broken or too small will be tossed.  Hopefully he will not resist too much.
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I am going to make Crab Rangoon tomorrow, for the first time.  It's a favorite of mine and the boy's, and learning to make it means we can have it at will rather than waiting until we can afford to go out and get them from the local Chinese place.
~~~~~
I started therapy two weeks ago.  I need it.  Things...things are not good at Casa de Crazy.  I am not doing well.  I am struggling.

Next week I start taking medication to help me deal with the Variety Plate.  I feel as though I am giving up, that I am weak and even more useless because I can't do this on my own.

These feelings are not founded in reality, but they feel awfully real.

I am still going to take medication because I need it, and I may not like the need, but I will honor it.
~~~~~
I do not think people who are not me are weak or useless because they take medication to treat their conditions.  I think they are smart and laudable.

In part it is this imbalance of thought that I am working to repair.
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Today at the supermarket the young man who bagged my groceries and helped me get them out to the car mentioned that he lives in my neighborhood.  He is from the house at the top of our street, the one where they always have a Jeep Cherokee up on stands for tinkering with.  I suddenly felt old - this lad was perhaps as tall as my middle and frolicking in his yard when I last saw him, and now he's inches taller than I and working for the market.  Oy.
~~~~~
I miss Someone every day, fiercely, stupidly, distractingly, distressingly.  Prison doesn't just punish the offender.
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My cell phone is six years old and feeling every minute of its age.  I have to replace it.  I will miss it.  The new phone will be perfectly okay, better in some ways, but I don't like change.
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I swear the goldfish in the sun room tank are taunting Rook, the youngest cat.  When they perceive her near their tank, they swim to the place closest to her and wag their tails at her.  She is continually frustrated by her inability to swat the through the glass.  The sound of her paw striking the tank amuses me.  She is cross with me right now because I laughed at her.
~~~~~
What's new with you?

Thoughtfetti

Auditory chaos.  That's what it sounds like here at Casa de Crazy.  If you close your eyes, the noise is almost schizophrenic in nature - music flowing forth from the desktop computer as the Evil Genius plays a game, music of another sort rolling out of the television as Sprout watches a show, voices floating through the air as the Evil Genius talks to a friend on Skype, cats meyowling for no reason whatever, fish tanks bubbling, burbling, and tinkling, and various electronic beeps, boops, and bloops giving punctuation to it all.  There is a background hum, too, of various appliances, the ice maker groaning, even the wind making the Casa creak.

I am trying to view this as an opportunity to work on filtering out the distractions, but right now I am supremely aware of every little noise, and I wonder how people don't go mad with it all.

Sometimes I have to step outside once the sun is down and listen to the peepers chirping out their love songs, the beetles ratcheting out their clicking counterpoint, the wind soughing through the upper branches of the tallest trees, the quieter, softer sounds of nature making a restful change from the noise pollution going on within our walls.
~~~~~
I guess I won't be doing business in or with the state of Indiana until it gets its head out of its ass.  Same for any other state that thinks it can tell people it's okay to refuse service based on religion.  You are free to worship as you please, but you are not free to discriminate against someone because they don't worship as you please or act according to your religious precepts.  Indiana is about to learn some expensive, painful, and probably embarrassing lessons.  Redneck Central WAS considering one of those damn fool laws but has suddenly decided not to have that conversation right now, likely because when word got out what the politicians were getting up to, a number of conventions and businesses cleared their collective throats, made stern faces, and shook their fingers in that gesture our mothers now so well.  Money talks, and bullshit laws aimed at denying rights to part of the populace based on one group's discomfiture with their sex life?  Makes money walk.
~~~~~
Every time I eat a bowl of cereal, I am surrounded.  Sprout always wants to share, and when I'm done the cats are circling like aircraft waiting to land, waiting for the leftover milk they know I won't eat/drink.  One of the cats is quite bold and sits by my bowl, watching the spoon go from bowl to mouth and back, occasionally letting out a little mewl if I am not eating fast enough or she is worried that there won't be any milk left for her.
~~~~~
I wish I could sell tickets to my dreams, they're as good as a movie and sometimes better.  I just can't figure out how to eat popcorn in my sleep.
~~~~~
If I ever meet the person or people responsible for the game Five Nights at Freddie's, I will commit mayhem on them, and no jury in the world will convict me.  Oy.
~~~~~
If the Easter candy industry is feeling a little pinched this year, I apologize - I didn't fall victim to the delicious sugary goodness as hard as I usually do this time of year.  Sorry you'll have to wait an extra year for your latest luxury vacation or condo in Vale, but I'm kinda attached to having all of my toes staying on my feet and diabetic skin ulcers ain't purty.
~~~~~
Riddle me this, dear reader - why is there so much anger, so much hatred, so much fear holding sway over the people of the world?  Compassion and love, it seems, have been bound, gagged with duct tape, and tossed in the dungeon for the duration.  What's up with that?

Thoughtfetti

One of the casa de Crazy cats has a habit of sniffing our eyes.  Well, my eyes, anyway.  I find this deeply weird.  She does it when I am lying down and my eyes are closed, and it tickles.  It tickles in a twitchy, strange, cat nose near my eye kind of way, especially when it seems like she is sniffing each eyelash.

Today she was sniffing, sniffing, sniffing, and the static charge she'd built up when she walked across the comforter zapped us both - me on my eyelid, she on her nose.

I don't suppose it will keep her from doing it again.
~~~~~
This evening, Sprout wanted to help me with cooking dinner.  Despite the chill in the house because I refuse to keep turning up the heat, she wasn't wearing anything more than her undies.  She asked me if she could please have an apron on so that nothing would splatter her, so I put my denim one on her, wrapped the strings around the front and tied them.  I would post a photo, but it seems these days that's what passes for child pornography.  I thought it was cute as the dickens,anyway.
~~~~~
It seem that winter is reluctant to let go its grip on our world, and indeed is seeking to make up for lost time - we are experiencing record lows in temperature and expecting more ice, snow, frozen rain, what have you, in a few days.  The upside to this is that I do not have to suffer the glares and snarky commentary from my unpleasant neighbor, as it's too cold for her to sit on her porch and be judgmental/pollute the air and her body with cigarette smoke.  It's the little things,
~~~~~
Rook, the youngest of the indoor cats at about 5 years of age, is determined to catch one of the goldfish through the tank glass.  I swear they tease her, swimming nearest whatever side she is staring through, and they laugh as she fruitlessly bats at the glass with her paw.  I fully expect to hear a loud crash one day and find her having knocked the top off and gone swimming.  I suspect the fish will not be quite as amused about that.
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Several times in the last week I was told I do not at all look my age.  A few people were shocked...seriously shocked...to learn my years and swore they though I was about a decade younger.

I don't know how the rest of me feels about that, but my ego seems mighty chuffed.
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Wherever you are, I hope you are keeping well and warm.  I am constantly doing battle with my brain, and one of the things that helps me is to think of all of the people in the world who are also struggling, and wishing them well, wishing them compassion, mercy, a hand up, a second chance, a light to guide them.  I wish these things for you, too, if you need them.
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How's your winter coming along?

Thoughtfetti

Fall teased us with some deliciously cool nights and mellow days, but Summer has knocked Fall off the seasonal perch and regained supremacy.  The AC is not happy.
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Hot or not I am making soup.  Fall is the beginning of soup season, and by gumbo I am not letting the resurgence of humidity, mosquitoes, and sweat-inducing days stop me from exercising my stock pot!
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We have taken in one of the (not terribly) wild kittens - he turned up with a terrible wound on his leg and we're nursing him back to health.  The vet was kind enough to charge me only the Humane Society price, about half what he'd normally charge, for our initial visit.  Here's hoping the wound will mend on its own and won't need stitches.
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I feel at odds and ends.  I feel trapped by all the possessions I possess that are really possessing me.  Today I cleaned the pantry and got rid of a lot.  Much went into the trash, open, old, well past date...but some of it will be donated to anyone who wants it.  I'm still slowly working at decluttering the Casa, but have been sidetracked.  It happens.
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Here in Redneck Central, a journalist has been slapped with a restraining order and told he violated it by writing about being slapped with a restraining order...all because a politician didn't like what the journalist wrote.  WTF???
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This:

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We are all worthy of compassion, love, and kindness.  All.

Thoughtfetti

He is holding me, face buried against my head, arms around me.  He is telling me how sorry he is that he hurts me, that he loves me and doesn't know why he doesn't always show it.  I am thinking how nice it is to be held, and I wish it was enough, but I can't forget the hurtful things he says when he is not showing me he loves me.  I wonder if he will ever understand the damage he has done and that it cannot be undone, that it cannot be erased, that it may one day heal over but it will always be a knurled, twisted, ugly scar and that the healed over places will never, quite be what they once were.  I wonder if he realizes how torn and tattered I am inside, and how little "I love you" does to mend that when there's still the other, the not-love, happening.
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I am holding Sprout.  She has her back to me and is leaning into me, standing in front of where I sit.  I bury my nose in her neck and smell her Sprout scent, and clean pajamas, and the spicy pungency of the diaper ointment, and the sweetness of the juice she is drinking.  Her arms reaches back and wraps around my neck, holding me to her, her little hand alternating stroking my hair and patting my neck.  She does not want to let go just yet, and I am content to be held onto, to hold her warm sweetness to me.
~~~~~
The Evil Genius scrambles onto the lounge with me.  He smells faintly of wood and something a little sour, and he needs a haircut.  He is warm except his feet, his toes, which make me jump when he tucks them under my leg.  He leans on me and I am surprised by how solid he is - so often he is a ghost in our home, in his room playing some electronic game or building imaginary realities with Legos and other toys, honestly sometimes it's like he's not real himself, but some kind of imaginary son who is no less loved.  He leans against me and closes his eyes and smiles and tells me he loves me, and it's still the best thing ever, and he is still my best good thing, my heart.
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It's so easy to feel lonely.  It's so sad to feel...removed...from warmth and love and life.  The cats pile up on me when I sit down.  They want to be touched, loved, and I oblige them.  They purr and make painful showings of their happiness with their paws, claws slightly extended, kneading me.  They seem to know that their warmth is a balm, their weight on my lap an anchor, that I feel like I need something solid to hold, to touch, or I will fly right out into space because gravity has stopped working for me.
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I do not make very good choices.  I'm a decent enough person, and I try to be loving and compassionate, but I know people who know me look at me and my life and wonder what the hell is wrong with me.  I could tell them, if they had a lifetime to listen.  There's no nutshell version.  Unless...the nutshell is "Me."
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I am having the dream again...the one with the man who wraps his arms around me and I feel...what?  Home?  Safe?  Loved?  Wanted?  Accepted?  Nothing real.  It isn't real. It doesn't exist.  There is no man.  There is no guardian, protector, cherisher, and there never has been.  He's a figment of my imagination.  If he exists, he does not exist for me.  The sooner I can get my subconscious to accept that, the better, because that dream?  Is a kind of torture.  And I can do without it.
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Sprout often wanders through her day singing.  She sings everything - requests for juice, what she'd like to play with, what color she sees.  I remember being told that I used to sing my way through the day when I was a little girl.  My grandmother called it "K's day at the Opera".  I don't remember.  I must have been happy, or thought I was happy, or at least content, to sing that way.  I don't sing, now.  Don't want to.  I think about the band and I am just...tired.  When we are rehearsing again I'm sure the ennui will go away, but for now...tired...as if even the idea of making music is tedious.  I have no song, and I do not want to sing it.
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My children are both on the bed with me, snuggling. Cygnus has spent the night at his place, so the bed is too large with only me and the cats (who don't come up on the bed when he's here, any more, and sometimes I miss their furry presence reassuring me what's the real and what's the dream), and it's morning but still early enough we don't feel too bad about being in bed, and both kids have climbed up and nestled in with me and I am listening to the whisper of their different breaths and my arm is thrown over them both so I can hold them snug to me and they are warm and wriggly and I am suddenly a child myself and I am in the big brass bed with Mom and my brother in the room over the kitchen at my grandparents' house, and it is early morning but we don't need to be up yet and Mom is cuddling us and we're in that hazy place between awake and dreaming and she smells of soap and cigarettes and Mom and it is good and I love her and we are warm and safe and loved and for a minute that is all there is and I am happy.
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How are you today?

Thoughtfetti

I spent Dec. 22 - 25 in the ICU at Redneck Central General Horspital, Pill Dispensary, and Sock Emporium.  Nurses are marvelous.  I try to make mine laugh whenever possible.  They don't have enough opportunity to laugh.
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When they sent me home, I was instructed to rest.  Umm.  About that...
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Winter has us in its teeth and is shaking us like a rat - the wind is so fierce right now the house is making a sort of rattling hum.  Some people think it's cold outside, but it's not too bad if you're just taking out the trash.  I did put on shoes, anyway.
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I want to bake something, but I don't know what.  Perhaps I shall take a nap and make up my mind in my sleep.
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If I didn't have kids I would crawl under the blankie and stay there for a week.  Sigh.  I DO have kids, though, and they are so unreasonable about eating on a regular basis and having clean clothes to wear.  Double sigh.
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I have a rash.  Under my arms.  It itches and burns and distracts me something fierce.  My body hates me.
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Sprout is speaking so much now, and it's funny to hear her.  I love how little kids talk and make connections.  She makes me smile.
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The Evil Genius has a crush.  Oh, how he will deny it, but his father gave him an iPhone for Christmas and the boy spends as much time talking to her with face-time as he does doing anything else.  It's cute.  Disturbing, but cute.
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My feet have been chilly for more than a week.  What's that about???
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What books are you reading these days?

Thoughtfetti

Monday is Mum's birthday...but instead of spending it with her I am going to Tennessee to guest-record with another band.  I hope she has a good day.
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I used to tell people I am a writer.  I don't feel like a writer any more.  I don't feel like writing, and I don't feel that it matters.  I am tired of trying to carve seconds out of the day to cobble together a few weak sentences for a story no one's interested in and that doesn't go anywhere anyway.
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I can't even manage a full-on blog post.
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Yes, I am feeling sorry for myself.  My chosen craft is devalued or outright unwanted.  I am tired of chasing after people and begging them to look at what I've written.  I'm tired of feeling like I am whispering into the wind.  I am tired.
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I am enjoying the process of recording.  I think this will be our best CD ever, not because of where or how we are recording but because we are working so hard at it.  Still...it is exhausting.  Frustrating.  I want it to be done perfect now, and that's not how it goes.
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If I can't finish my part of the CD on Monday morning before K2, Otter, and I go to Tennessee, I won't be able to finish.  It won't matter...the things left undone are small percussion parts and I am probably the only person who will care...but I hope I can get them done on Monday.
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Maybe I am still feeling sorry for myself.
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I am grateful to be part of my band.  Individually, we are all okay, but together?  Somehow, our rough spots even out and we make musical magic.  I want to take the way I feel when we are deep in harmony and spread it throughout the rest of my life.
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What makes you feel good?

Thoughtfetti

I'm going to the dentists tomorrow.  I haven't been in...umm...maybe not quite a decade?  Yeah, this'll be fun...
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My children are trying to kill each other in the living room.  I hope they put the cushions back when they're done.
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I hand-fed Gimpy the ring-neck snake today.  It is both gross and cool - gross because I have to chop earthworm into tiny bits that he can manage, and cool because, well...just cool.  Also, I put a few drops of water on my finger and he drank, which is just too nifty.  I think the other two snakes are jealous...they keep gliding along the glass of their shared tank, staring at me...but they can hunt on their own, so I don't feel too bad about it.
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I am surfing waves of depression right now - it comes over me in a rush, a sense of futility, uselessness, sorrow, and frustration, and I grab my board and ride.  So far, no wipe out.  After 25 years of it, I can hang ten, but I still wonder why I bother.  Sigh.
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I am tired of anger.  Mine.  Other people's.  There is so much anger in the world, these days.  It is a heavy stone to carry, but every time I try to put it down, I am handed a new one, and I still haven't learned not to accept the load.  Double sigh.
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My band is trying to raise the money to record another CD, in a more formal studio setting.  We are looking for folks to pledge/sponsor/fund our project.  Would you check us out, please?  Feel free to share...
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A swept floor attracts dirt faster than a dirty one.  That's my story and I'm sticking to it...and the floor...
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What's on your mind?

Thoughtfetti

What do you call thirteen witches in a hot tub?

A self cleaning coven!

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I don't think I can call Sprout a baby any more - she's full tilt toddler, now. Holy carp!

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The Evil Genius grew two feet this summer. That may not even be an exaggeration. He needs new clothes. Fun!

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I don't know who to vote for this fall. I have even had the thought scamper across my mind that I won't vote at all, that it isn't worth it. No worries - worth it or not, I'm voting. I will not let apathy steal away the one tiny voice I have in regards to running the rotting hulk that was once our ship of state.

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I had my first Mormon Missionary encounter a few days ago. Boy, those Jehovah's Witnesses could take some politeness lessons from the Mormons. Nice boys, the Mormons...painfully young and I can't get past the sublimation of women or the magic underwear, but still...nice.

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We have an acorn squash plant threatening the house. Inch by inch it is creeping from the compost pile (where it mysteriously sprouted up)(mysteriously because we haven't HAD acorn squash in two years) to the front landing. If it makes it to the door, I suspect it plans to come in and make itself at home, perhaps use the Internet and avail itself of plentiful clean water. Meanwhile, we're getting some lovely squash from it, so as long as it is willing to pay rent, I guess it can have a room. It still has to do a chore, though.

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Sprout has a cough. She picked it up somewhere and won't let it go. I keep trying to convince her that coughs don't make good pets, but she isn't having any of it. I think she plans to keep it until it hatches. Sigh.

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I didn't water my Christmas Cactus for three weeks. It'll live, but it isn't speaking to me right now. Good thing the other living things in the house have the means to tell me they need feeding, huh?

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Sprout has learned how to blow kisses. Good grief.

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There's not a zone on my body that doesn't have a twinge, aches, creak, pop, or pain. Is there a chiropractor in the house? One that will work for banana bread and acorn squash?

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How're you doing?