Meh-eh-eh-eh.

The following are a few of the many things I've learned while living with cats:

That noise in the middle of the night is probably something you didn't want them playing with being batted around the house.

It is probably something that will break or unravel.

Cats can hide the evidence the moment they hear your feet hitting the floor, and be long gone by the time you take your first step. They have mastered the "Who, me?" look.

That noise in the middle of the night is probably something you'd rather not step in being placed strategically where your foot can't miss it when you make your wee-hours bathroom stumble.

While kitty foot pads make for terrific acceleration, kitty claws are not as effective for braking on hard-surface floors. This can make for much amusement.

Until they crash into the bookcase at the end of the hall in an effort to bank off of it and into the bedroom without losing speed.

Getting stuck in a plastic grocery bag is only funny when you're not the one who's stuck (and trying to get unstuck by flying around the house at mach three).

Laser pointers are endlessly amusing.

Until one gets out the video camera with aspirations of YouTube fame.

The larger the house, the greater the number of potential secret repositories for all sorts of squishy things that one will usually find with one's hand while blindly groping for something entirely different.

Laundry baskets are the preferred methods for sharpening claws, despite the expensive, five level, five-foot high, carpeted kitty condo (with sisal rope wrapped around one leg and dangly! things! for swatting!) placed with great care in a sunny window. This is especially true if the contents of the basket will get snags and runs in them due to the talon sharpenings.

Laundry baskets with clean clothing in them are the preferred place to nap and/or shed copiously, and/or leave squishy gifts for the resident humans.

It is always a good idea to look carefully where one is stepping, unless one enjoys cleaning things out from between one's toes, or stepping on fur-covered, plastic mice or whatever hard, pointy things could be filched from the Little Boy's room and played with in the middle of the night.

Sleeping humans are the best place to promenade in the wee hours, especially their heads.

It is fun to curl up in a purring ball of contentment in the middle of a sleeping human's bed, forcing them to contort into pretzel shapes to avoid disturbing the kitty.

It is not amusing when the sleeping humans don't care about the sleeping kitty and feel free to thrash at will.

A fabric or yarn project in the lap is an invitation to leap up and begin making kitty-biscuits (or plucking cotton, if you prefer). It does not matter if said project is still in the working-on phase and not in the feline-ready phase.

One should never ignore an invitation. It's rude.

One should not look too closely into the communal water cup.

What do you mean, it's not communal?

Of course cats belong on the kitchen counter. Why else would you keep the butter there?

Meh-eh-eh-eh means "I love you", or "I desire to dine upon that moth fluttering about the light" or "I have left you a gift in the hall" or "I've decided that your stomach wants kneading, and have you seen how lovely and sharp my claws are?" or "You have trimmed my claws. Revenge will be forthcoming" or "Have you seen that half-masticated pizza crust I left on the kitchen floor?" or "I shall now regurgitate the houseplant I ate earlier, as I find it no longer pleases me" or "I adore you, but I adore this piece of lint more at the moment, so please go away" or any number of things...but it almost never means "I have captured a Leprechaun and forced him to hand over his gold (despite Leprechauns actually being the cobblers of the Wee Folk world and not treasurers as some folks would have it)(cats are so picky about mythology!) and am now triumphantly handing said treasure over to you so that you may purchase kitty treats, catnip, and soft, fuzzy places for me to nap. You are welcome."

What have y'all learned from your furry little roomies??
~~~~~
Mum's on a cruise and has asked me to post the Bourdain link where she can easily find it so she doesn't have to mortgage her left kidney to pay for shipboard Internet service...so here it is: ...:Read my Medium Raw challenge essay: It's not always about the ingredients, is it?
Feel free to ignore it, or go vote if you like...meh-eh-eh-eh...

Cinco de Mayo

Happy Cinco de Mayo, y'all.

Umm.

Why are we celebrating five jars of mayonnaise? I mean, isn't that a little excessive? One or two jars, I could see...but five??

Now if it was five jars of garlic stuffed olives I could get happy about it. Or five jars of organic orange marmalade, or five jars of top-notch peanut butter and marshmallow fluff.

But mayonnaise?

Wait, what?

Aww, crap - it's about the fifth of May? And not Mayonnaise? Damn...someone better alert Hellmann's - I think they were planning something big. Also...anyone need some mayo?

OK, so really, it's a celebration of the victory the Spanish had over the French at the battle of Puebla, which didn't win the war but it did become a symbol of Mexican unity. It wasn't quite independence, but it was a start and worth noting.

Yeah, y'all knew I wasn't that fluff-headed, right?

Right??

Hello?

O! Electra!

O! Electra! Wild eyed, wild haired Goddess of modern living,
From you so many blessings flow!
With your twin hounds Voltage and Amperage
Keeping watch at your heels
You stride with great force through every house
Every business
Lo, even unto the far reaches of the smallest lane!
Your munificence manifests itself at every turn!
O! Electra, your daughter Frigidera does make our foodstuffs good
And with great floes of ice keeps our drinks chilled to perfection!
Incandesce, your son, does brighten the deepest dark of night
And mimics the sun in every room of our homes!
Microwave, demanding only the occasional gift of popcorn or plastic container
Provides us hot meals, snacks and endless amusement
From the currents of your raging rivers!
AC keeps us comfortable against even the great Global Warming!
Mighty Electra, to you do we make small sacrifices of lightbulbs, toasters
And the occasional blender!
Since 1816 have we known you, O! Electra, and your many wonders!
On days holy to you, when you fly across the sky
Arcing from horizon to horizon
We propitiate you with televisions, stereos
And home computers!
O! And they who deny you, mighty Goddess, are marked
By your own hand
Reaching down from the heavens and striking the offenders
With your terrible wrath
For Electra giveth, and Electra reclaimeth
And the lapsed worshiper finds her good graces
Only with new, shiny appliances!
Even your nemeses Power strip, circuit breaker,
And GFI outlet
Cannot keep you at bay!
O! Electra, why have your forsaken us in this hour of lashing rain
Oppressive heat
And early dark?
How have we offended you, we who have televisions, computers, freezer, refrigerator
And all things of your temple in abundance?
Return! Return!
Return to us the comforts
To which we've become accustomed!

Please? I'll give you a brand new fluorescent light bulb...

More Than Salt

We play a game in my family where we tell each other that we love each other more than...well, here:

Me: I love you more than salt.
Evil Genius: I love you more than the ocean.
T (For a nice change, T was actually with us. Yay, new job!!): I love you more than the IRS (well, duh!!).
Evil Genius: I love you more than pickles.
Me: I love you more than flowers.
T: I love you more than pickled pig's feet (no stretch there).

And so on.

We were playing in the car a few days ago, and at one point I told Bird I love him more than Froot Loops. His response? "Ohhh, no way!" Because apparently love can't trump Froot Loops. A short while later, I told him I love him more than pizza. His response? "Yikes!" Yeah, I got crazy love.

Feeling Silly

Yes I am.

I was sitting here minding my own business, staring out the window at the owl and wondering what they dream about, listening to the neighbor's grandkids shrieking, giggling, and generally having a fine time in his yard, and I suddenly thought of this:

If a group of geese = a gaggle,

Then does:

A group of girls = a giggle?

A group of researchers = a Google?

A group of skiers = a goggle?

A group of peeping Toms = an ogle?

I could go on, but I really don't want to be pelted with olives or whatever.

What was in that Bisquick waffle, anyway??