Cover Us, We're Goin' In!

Mum and I are going on a whirlwind, kid-free shopping expedition today. This may well be the one day between now and the holidays we variously celebrate to get it done. The Evil Genius isn't keen on shopping, really, although he tries to be patient with us...and, also, we have an item or two to pick up that he doesn't need to know about. Ahem.

Way back when we were first together - I honestly can't recall if we were dating, engaged, or just married at the time - T and I were braving the frenzy of the mall for some reason...probably because we took leave of our senses. We chanced to pass the Warner Brothers store when a song drifted out. I stopped in my tracks, swivelled, and was drawn into the shop like a cartoon character following a steam trail from a fresh-baked pie.

On a wall of screens in the back, a video played. This video:


I have always loved The Carol of the Bells. This Trans Siberian Orchestra version is my favorite, hands down. This song, this very video, was my introduction to TSO, and I have loved them truly, madly, and deeply ever since.

This song is a good representative of how frantic holiday shopping makes me feel - I am in a mad rush to get it done and relieved to have it over with, even as I enjoy finding the few items I can't or won't make for gifts.

We really do have a number of places to go, but I have a list of stops and what we hope to find at each one, and we'll both be armed with Tasers, pepper spray, and attitude. Also it's a weekday and we're not going to a mall, so we're hoping casualties will be light and we'll be done before midnight.

You have my back, right??

How fast can you spend it?

The first thing I did this morning was answer the phone and confirm with the fraud protection center of my bank that I did, indeed, spend that much money yesterday, counter to my usual habits. Nice of them to check, but couldn't they have waited another hour or so and let me sleep in? I mean, if it was fraud, would another hour make a difference? Sigh.

The second thing I did was drive back to Fry's for my heart's desire, left behind yesterday in order to sate T's need for a taller, wider, sexier...television set. I walked in and Spencer, the appliance guru, fridge pimp, and sales manager extrordinaire, had the paperwork ready for me. You have to love it when your dealer is ready with your fix. Ahhh, drug references, aren't they just the best?? Say no to drugs, kids, unless they're organically grown and produced, sustainable, and earth-friendly. What? huh? Oh, sorry...umm...just say "no" and forget that other stuff.

This afternoon, the new viewing-beast was installed, and although it's bigger than the old one and therefore horrible in my eyes (the perfect TV for me would probably be the size of a postage stamp and never get louder than a whisper)...well, I kinda like it. It is wider, and taller, but it takes up less space than the old one by way of being flat screenish. It scootches right up to the wall. And it has a pretty colored light around the edge that I can stare at, drooling while it feeds me subliminal messages.

Last night, we cleaned off the old entertainment center and removed it because the new TV wouldn't fit in it. Now there's all this space where the hulking brute used to loom over the room. It's nice. We may leave it this way. Oh, and mum? Sorry...we took the little stand from your room for up here, but we'll replace it soon, honest! I put that old center together myself, long ago when I was single, had a smaller TV and stereo, and lived alone without cable, satellite, or other fiddley electronic things. Ah, those were the days. It has survived several moves and TV (alleged) upgrades, but this is the end...the end, my friend. T and I wrestled it down the stairs and into the garage last night, and unless someone lays claim to it before trash day, it's goin' to the happy furnishing grounds.

Tonight I have to inform the dust menagerie that it has to relocate, at least until the new fridge is installed. I was joking with Spencer, the appliance guru, fridge pimp, and sales manager extraordinaire about disturbing the menagerie...the dust bunnies, dust rhino, and dust anaconda (the anaconda keeps the bunnies in check - those things breed like crazy!!) among others. So I have to disturb the habitat - I hope there's nothing endangered up there - and remove the varying things that seem to collect on top of a fridge when one isn't looking, then empty the thing, and it'll be ready to go to wherever no-longer-loved appliances come to rest. Hey, it did its job, but it was old when I got it, it's had a good run, and anyway, I didn't pick it out. Arranged marriages are weak.

This brings me to the whole freakin' point of this post - spending. When I was living with my grandparents, I would occasionally go shopping with Mimi. That woman was a champion spender, in a class all her own. I don't know how she had the stamina - her credit cards would be whimpering by the end of the day, worn thin and sending up little wisps of smoke. At that time, I had no concept of income and outgo and all that. I thought you just went places, got what you wanted and had it delivered.

I learned about income, budget, and debt the hard way after I moved away from Mimi and the magic plastic. Years later, once I was (mostly) on my own, I had a number of jobs that didn't come close to supporting me and my learned habits. I had to unlearn in a hurry...which I (sort of) did with a little bailing out of the financial boat help from mum.

I try not to buy things I don't need. Things like a new TV when the old one works fine, just because the new one was on sale for less than half the original price and a pretty glowy light around it and how on earth can you walk past that??? Even the new fridge isn't really a necessity - I could have gotten a perfectly serviceable one for much less money and fuss. After all, it's just meant to keep things cool, and spending more because you like the lines and color of one better than another is a little silly when you are constantly strapped. Still...there's one time of year when we get a tad silly with our spending - refund time.

It drives my mum and friends crazy - we allow a bigger chunk of money to be taken from T's paycheck than we have to so we get it back as an uber-chunk. I can't tell you how many time I've been asked why we let the government have our money all year, essentially lending it to them without gaining interest, when T could claim differently and bring home more each pay-period. This is why: we can't save for shit. We try. I'll get the savings up to a few hundred bucks, and then something happens and we end up using it. This way, once a year we get a big chunk, enough to cover some of the expenses that we otherwise couldn't manage without asking my mum for help. I hate having to ask mum for help - I am a middle-thirties grown-type woman and I shouldn't have to run to mummy for help. I should be running to mummy for drinks and gossip.

We actually make a list and prioritize it, budgeting the tax refund before we even get it so we don't forget something important. Like a bed for the kid.

Until we have greater income or better spending habits, this is how it has to be - otherwise we'd never be able to replace the fridge when it's crapping out, or get new tires for the car, or fix the laptop, or any number of things. So my chatter this last two days about shopping? Yeah, don't expect much of that - once a year, I get to pretend I am back in the sweet life of spending-without-consequence, but that's it. For the rest of this year I'll be bitching about scraping by, if I discuss finances at all...which I don't usually, because I wasn't raised that way. Just so you know. The manic madness of yesterday and today are already fading into "Oh, dear, perhaps I shouldn't have gotten the more expensive fridge even if it does have a bit more room and a better ice maker and water filter..." and "Maybe Bird could live without the ridiculously awesome bed we got him and just live with something cheaper..." and the like.

Still...how can you ignore love at first site?? The fridge did have a better Energy Star rating, and it's soooo dreamy....sigh. And the bed may be ridiculous, but he's my kid and he'll only be a kid once. It's solidly built and will last longer than the Evil Empire special we bought two years ago, and he's not going to slice himself open on it. The slide and canopy/tent/fort attachment are insane but neat as hell, and if he's going to play on his bed anyway...

I know, I know, I'm sounding a little defensive...but I am feeling a bit guilty. I do earmark (where did that phrase come from?) some of the refund for charities, and a percentage goes into savings where I hope it'll last more than a week, and whenever I have anything to spare I end up giving it away to someone who needs it more, but...but...sigh.

So the answer is, I can spend it so fast it won't even leave lint in the bank vault...but only once a year, and only when I've planned it out ahead of time. At least until the tax system changes or I win the lottery, and then all bets are off.

Now that I've blathered on at great extent about nothing of interest, I am going to try and get in the way help T figure out why the new view-beast and the old stereo aren't speaking to each other. Yay.

And what a day it's been.

It started out simply enough - I got up before everyone else and made a wholesome, nutritious, freshly cooked breakfast for my beloved family dropped in a load of laundry and did the meme I was tagged with. Bird was asleep when I got up, and I did nothing to discourage that, even shushing the keys on the keyboard when they clacked too loudly as I typed.

After Bird and T got up, we were looking over our six-inch stack of bills - that's no exaggeration, I measured them, and even without all the inserts, offers, and extraneous stuff, it was a six-inch pile - and trying to decide who got the two dollars and twelve cents we had left before next payday. On a lark, I checked the bank account. Perhaps the money fairies visited?

Oh, glorious day, they placed a beautiful egg in our rather sad little nest!!

OK, not really, but our tax refund did finally get kicked through the system and came to rest right where we wanted it - our anemic bank account. So far, a good day, yes?

Well, in the spirit of conspicuous consumerism and doing our part for the economy, we decided to do something today that wasn't in our original plans. We decided to go shopping.

Well, after we paid some bills, of course - I am not a complete irresponsible moron.

Fast forward a few happy minutes doing the online bill-pay thing, because we are nothing if not into instant gratification around here. This is where things got a little hairy.

You see, Bird wanted to play with his GeoTrax trains. Lord and Lady above, he loves those dang things. He had his heart set on building an enormous, top-floor-of-the-house-consuming track system with multiple levels, ramps, bridges, guard rails, buildings, and a thriving economy, and a presidential race that could heat to boiling at any moment. So when I told him we were going out to run errands, his Majesty didn't approve. He strenuously disapproved, in fact. Loudly. At great length. This set the tone for the rest of our day.

First, the furniture store, to get the poor boy a bed. He has a bed, but it's a little...well...the worse for wear. It seems the evil genius, when three, figured out that he could pull out the nifty drawers in the base of the my-parents-are-cheap-bastards-and-won't-spring-for-decent-furniture-so-they-bought-this-POS-bed-at-the-Evil-Empire bed made of particle board and use them to stand in for added height, thereby causing the glorified cardboard bottoms to fall through, the sides to cave in, and general mayhem to follow. Now there are gaping holes in the base of the bed. Also, the corners are sharp enough to slice through a tin can and then cut paper thin tomato slices with no dulling! So the kid needs a new bed. T tried to show him the one we were looking at online, but it wasn't there any more, and Bird decided he wanted the one with pink and purple flowers instead. Oy. I don't care, but T takes it personally when our son suddenly wants to be a girl.

As we were negotiating the Treaty of Versailles our egress from the house, I realized "Oh, crap, I forgot to start the roast for dinner tonight!!!" In italics, no less. So we tagged off - T wrestling the resistant child into clothing (a bit like getting a cat into pantyhose, I think) - and me retrieving the crock pot from the highest shelf in the cupboard without dropping the lid on my head or toe, slicing onions, almost my finger, garlic, there goes a nail, put them into the crock pot with some fresh thyme, add the roast, why isn't Bird in his pants yet?, salt, pepper, garlic powder on the roast, in the crock pot, did I just see a naked butt come through here at mach 3??, more onions, garlic, thyme, I did, I did see a naked butt!!!, dump in potatoes, no time to check for bad ones, they'll just have to behave except that one which looks suspicious so fish it out, add carrots, cover, wrangle the anaconda child into jacket and...go!!

Whew.

We did get out the door and loaded into the car, even made it into the furniture store without too much trouble, but...well... We found the bed, he loved it, we bought it. No, not really. You didn't think it would be that easy, did you?? No. No, it wasn't. You see, we live a credit card free life. We do have a debit card, but it has a limit. Remember we paid bills earlier? Uh-oh. Before we left the house, I called the credit union, went to our local branch and wrote the little "May I please spend our money?" note, and was told "No problem, go, be free." At the furniture store, it seems that the bank didn't actually mean what they said. Sigh. I had to call them, ask the sales lady if I could fax something, faxed it, waited, tried the card, nothing, called the bank, had to fax something else, went through the whole song and dance again, all while Bird was trying out every couch, recliner, sofa, ottoman, bed, chair, table, bench, desk, light fixture and lint ball in the place, with T in tow trying to minimize the collateral damage of a rogue five-year-old. I think I had the easy bit, truth be told.

We did it, though. Getting Bird back into the car was a bit like nailing Jell-o to the wall. Go on, try it, I'll just sit here and file down the fingernail I sliced off earlier.

See? Not so easy, is it?

On to Lowe's, where we browsed through the refrigerators, pricing them. I must say, I was shocked that the dang things cost as much as a used car these days. Who knew? Not really enchanted with anything there, we left, but not before we had to retrieve Bird from the lawn-tractor section where he was making goo-goo eyes at a John Deere, two-timing it with the Husqvarna, and triple -timing them both with the Troybilt. By the way? His feet almost touched the pedals so sometime next year he'll be opening his own lawn service company to support us, or at least his gummi-worm habit.

We had to stop for lunch because I needed sustenance and the Nathan's hot dog stand looked so lost and forlorn without us that we had to take pity and stop for hot dogs, fries, and shakes. Really, it was necessary.

Fortified with our nutritious meal, we made our way south to investigate our next necessary purchase - a functioning TiVo (ours is lingering in a half-dead daze). Bird took advantage of the ride to recharge his mischief unit nap. Lucky us. We made it into Fry's without too much trouble - we have rules about parking lots that Bird knows well and actually honors, so no one got run over or anything.

Have you ever been to Fry's? It's an electronics wonderland! We love that store. We can spend hours there, just wandering around drooling. We found the TiVo, but after a lengthy discussion with the very helpful salesman we decided not to buy the TiVo. Please don't ask me for details...my head was spinning with all the technical jargon flying around - I had to duck one phrase that looked like it was headed right for my eye! Bird was disinterested, so he and I wandered off and entertained ourselves with the varying views of Ice Age available on the never-ending television displays until T staggered back to us with the news that the TiVo era was over, for satellite viewers. Shot through the heart. Oh, well...why not wander over to the appliances and...say, what's this? Is it...is it...a Phillips Ambilight television on sale for...for...how much??? Argh, snared!! There's no escape, save yourselves!!!

It followed us to the appliance area and sat brooding in the corner, menacing anyone who mentioned not buying it (namely, me). It didn't matter, though because once among the appliances, I was smitten.

I didn't mean for it to happen. Mostly, I figured I would be fishing Bird out of the freezers, dryers, dishwashers, and varying appliance cavities into which he crawled seeking...I don't know what, honestly, while half-heartedly perusing prices and thinking they were all out of my league. Instead, I saw it. From across the room, my eyes were drawn to a handsome, strong fellow with a come-hither shine and wearing a tiny little price that just screamed "Take me!! Take me now!!!" I tried to resist. "You're not right for me, you're too big, too polished, too refined for me." I wandered over to another, tried to love it, but I couldn't. Even though I knew this love was all wrong, that I could never reconcile it with the rest of my appliance family of black and (ugh) almond, I couldn't deny the love I had for this steely beauty. Oh, my. The others would welcome this newcomer, wouldn't they? They'd learn to love him as I did, right? I opened one door, then another, trembling at the sight of so much emptiness waiting for me to fill it with...ahem. I found my fridge. Yes I did. If the dishwasher and stove don't like it, they can be replaced next year; the fridge has stainless kin just waiting to pile into my kitchen and delight me.

During this extravaganza, this showcase of the ultimate American pastime of spend, spend, spend, Bird was bored. Bored, bored, bored. Fry's may be a wonderland for the grownups, but it's a colossal yawn for a little guy. He started running hither and thither, but not yon. Not yet. He was saving yon for a total meltdown, which thankfully never quite came. We were close, though. So while the bored, active, inquisitive little evil genius was finding ways to amuse himself, T was trying to avert complete disaster and I was mooning over my new love. Sigh. So dreamy. Luckily we were there during a slow patch and the sales people were kind, patient, and understanding, even when I had to examine several units (refrigerators, you pervs!!) to compare features, call my mum a dozen times to ask her advice, and waffle several times before finally conceding the obvious - that I couldn't live without the one who first caught my eye. Bored child finally settled into one of the "fun chairs", the floor sample massage chairs. He loves those things. Not as much as his GeoTrax, but they'll do in a pinch.

The television was not pleased to learn that one of them would have to wait until tomorrow to be claimed as our very own. I relented and told T the television could come home first, and they did a little dance in the aisle while I whispered reassurances to my new love that we would be united in only a day - for I shall return tomorrow and complete our arrangements to have the dashing fellow brought to me on Sunday. Ahh, bliss.

The journey homeward was pleasant - T and I each replete with our purchase choices, minds occupied with plans for our new additions. T has to clean off the entertainment center and I must empty the current cooler-of-foodstuffs. Mum told me I have to clean the floor underneath, but why? There's going to be a fridge on top of it! Kidding!! It'll be the one time I clean that patch of floor, truth be told - I am not the move-the-fridge-to-clean type, unless something actually spills under there. Leave the Serendusti in peace, I say.

Now that I've thrilled you with my tales of thriftless living, I am spent (ha!) and am off to bed, perchance to dream of a certain stainless steel, magnet friendly new amour...

Oh, and the roast turned out fine.