Really? Really??

Huh. Funny how the Universe works. Sometimes we have delightful, serendipitous moments - when we think of an old friend and they call or write, or when we have a hankering for our favorite chocolate mousse and someone invites us to the one place that makes it the way we like it best.


And sometimes we have weird synchronicity, like when we write a blog post about annoying, immoral e-mails from strangers who feel the Blue Nowhere is their personal spamming ground, con artists (although it's not really an art what they do) who view the world as their mark, villains who prey on the weak, foolish, gullible, and innocent.

I wrote that post about the UNICEF e-mail I received and mentioned in passing the one from an alleged American soldier. Well guess what was in my e-mail in-box Saturday morning? Check it out (items in parenthesis are mine, the rest is pure Internet bunk):

My name is Sgt Don Guy (did you know that the word "guy" was coined in reference to Guy Fawkes day, when they burned a man in effigy - the dummy was called the "Guy", and the word "guy" originally meant "dummy"), I am an American soldier, I am serving in the military of the 3rd Armored Cavalry Regimient, Patrols Tal Afar, in Iraq. I apologized using this medium to reach you for a deal of this magnitude (Way to use references to military and geographical stuff that I have probably never heard of and am likely too lazy to look up, Internet Scamming Asshole!)(However, even I, lazy-bones that I am, know that's not how you spell "regiment")(Please don't insult my intelligence while you're trying to insult my wallet)(Thank you)(Also, you use more commas than I do, which makes you seriously suspect).

We managed to move funds belonging to Saddam Hussein's family. The total amount is US$25 Million dollars in cash (Dude, seriously, no one who actually lives in this nation says "US$" in reference to money. We presume that everyone means US dollars unless they specify otherwise. We're a bunch of big, fat, wasteful, walking, talking egos), mostly 100 dollar bills (Way to do your research on US currency pal - although I am not sure the average citizen is aware that the Benjamin is the largest bill we circulate these days, thanks to drug dealers and scumbags like you) . We want to move this money to you, so that you may invest it for us and keep our share for banking (because we're bosom buddies, of course).

I have the authority of my partners involved to propose that should you be willing to assist us in this transaction, your share of the sum will be 30% of the US$25 million, 60% for us and 10% will be kept aside for expenses and rest assure that this business is 100% safe on your part provided you treat it with utmost secrecy and confidentiality (Whoopsie...does this mean I won't get my share of the ill-gotten gains?? I blog somewhat anonymously, so no one would know who really helped you...).

Basically since we are working for the American Government, we cannot keep these funds, We plan on using diplomatic courier by shipping the money out to you by using diplomatic immunity (How nice that thieves are relying on the implied honor and honesty of the diplomatic corps while explaining how they'll be acting in an unlawful, immoral fashion and committing fraud internationally).

No strings attached, just help us move it out of Iraq, for Iraq is a war zone. You will only help the diplomat to get the yellow tag paper as soon as they arrive in your airport, they will have to call you to notify you that they have arrive for you to arrange with them on geting the tag so that the custom and immigration will not inspect the consignment (Again with the mysterious language, poor spelling, and added fun of cloak-and-dagger behavior to give it that special flare).

If you are interested I will send you the full details, my job is to find a good partner that we can trust and that will assist us. Can I trust you? When you receive this letter, kindly send me an e-mail signifying your interest including your most confidential telephone/address for quick communication for the delivery (Oh, yeah, because I want complete stranger who are trying to perpetrate criminal fraud to know where I live and how to contact me). This business is risk free (Yeah, for you, maybe).

The box can be shipped out in 48hrs. Please observe utmost confidentiality (oh, yeah, I'll be as honest as you are regarding this matter), and be rest assured that this business is risk free. Note plz, alwayS reply with this email address sgtdonguy@redactedbecauseIamdisinclinedtogivethemanyunwittingprey.com because of the security reason.

Respectfully submitted
Sgt. Don Guy
~~~~~
I swear, I think they put in all the errors so anyone paying the least bit of attention will have a sporting chance...

You know...our soldiers have a hard enough time over there, what with little to no support from their home government and local folks trying to explode them with all kinds of IED type gizmos...they really don't need the added stigma that all the implications of immorality in this kind of letter/activity. If you really must try to drain me dry, could you please do so with something a little less insulting to both my intelligence and the people putting their lives in danger so I can sit on my capacious bottom and write snarky blogs at will?

Thanks...but no thanks...may I refer you to Ms. Susan Gigs of UNICEF, who could use the help of nice, upstanding people like you?

Not Even An "A" for Effort

Sunday was a slow e-mail day for me, but I did have this little charmer in my in-box (copied as I got it, no editing, honest!):

FROM: MRS. SUSAN GIGS.

UNICEF would be very interested in offering you a part-time paying job in which you will earn about $1,750 US monthly with Benefits. Before I go any further, I would like to brief you more about the Program. Our organization is a foundation which enhances social sensitivity to children (UNICEF) with various problems faced by the less privileged and joining hands together in the developing world. We Improve the competence of professionals working with children in diagnosis and Intervention in cases of children heart problem. Every year, nearly 10 million children die before their fifth birthday, and half of these deaths occur in ASIA, Our research pointed out.
As the Program director of this zonal , I am in charge of the life saving program and fund raising for the less privilege, though myself and my life saving associates travel a lot. Presently, we have just been granted a fund raising to head a Charity Support Project in the tropical regions of the World starting with Europe,regarding surgical issues related to heart diseases and provision of basic amenities in support to humanitarian services and this would be commencing very soon, however our funding were by our donors that sends to us the bunch of payments mostly in US Based mode of Payments.

UNICEF would be willing to employ you on contract basis to be our Payment Representative back in the states, this way our donors could issue and make these Payments out to you, you could then cash them easily,you will deduct 10% as your commission for the great service you have rendered in support to saving life's and then Send the rest back to various charity homes that would be provided to you.

You will also stand the chances of being a part of our future and the excellence of an Institute in which you will be highly appreciated.I would be glad if you accept our proposal and Unicef intend to commence on Starting as soon as you are ready.
If you are interested, I would want you to kindly fill your details below, so that Unicef can verify ASAP.

FULL NAME:
PHYSICAL ADDRESS:
CITY:
STATE:
ZIP CODE:
COUNTRY:
PHONE NUMBER (S):
GENDER:
OCCUPATION
AGE:
NATIONALITY:

Remember, the lives of these children "less privilege" depends on your good work and trust because, trust is all we need to make the world a better Place to live in.

MRS. SUSAN GIGS.
(DIRECTOR OFFICER FOR UNICEF)
~~~~~

OK...now, UNICEF is a huge organization run by the United Nations. They have plenty of people in every member nation to do their work for them. I would wager that they have people lined up out the door who would dearly love to work for such an organization...they don't need to blind-solicit on the Internet.

Also, I would like to think that UNICEF would employ people with a better grasp of grammar and syntax than this letter displays. It's like these scammers make the errors on purpose to weed out the folks smart enough to catch them - if you've intelligence enough to recognize the letter is BS, then you've intelligence enough to know you're being phished.

Also, also...I'm fairly certain the the UN and any organization attached to it would consider me the last person they'd want working for them, given my attitude about that pack of thieves, liars, and just plain jackasses fine group of folks and their good work.

It was bad enough when it was just that stupid "Help me smuggle funds out of whatever African nation I say I'm from" letter. Annoying when it was the "You've won a lottery from a random European nation despite the fact you've never been there, don't know anyone there, may not be able to find it on a map and never bought a ticket" letter. Irritating when it was "Hi, I'm a random American soldier you've never met or heard of and I found a bunch of cash in Baghdad and need help smuggling the loot out" letter. But now an international children's relief organization? There's a special place in the negative afterlife of your choice for you, Ms Gigs (or whoever you really are, you Internet-scamming, e-mail phishing, retirement-fund-thieving rat-bastard). I've got your "trust" right here...

In case you're interested:

The real UNICEF, including actual employment opportunities.