Where do we go from here?

My relationship with Cygnus has taken many blows.

We have survived the complications of polyamory (his complications, as I have never been able to make other connections, have other relationships), both as they affected us and as they impacted other relationships.  We have survived cheating and lies (on his part), rage , alcoholism, and drug addiction (again, on his part), and being pushed through the meat grinder we call a justice system.

We have survived advertisements on Craig's List for NSA (No Strings Attached) sex for him while I was out of town, and the anonymous mailing of printouts of those ads to me, and the repeat of the advertising months later.  That I knew about the first lot beforehand didn't make the second easier to bear when I learned of them not through discussion, but through seeing them on my screen thanks to others pointing them out.

We have survived his alienating every one of my friends and family members and many of the people I call community out there in the world.

We have survived my mental illness, kids, weather, his moving out, and his insane jealousy at the mere idea that I might be talking to another man (with no intent to act sexually, plainly stated to everyone with an interest at the very beginning).  He can't even stand that another man once complimented me very prettily and made me smile and blush because of it.

We have gone through so much.

But.

Now, nearing the end of his time in prison...now...we are not surviving.  We are failing.  I am tired.  I am tired of the abuse.  Tired of being told that everything I do is not enough, or not good enough.  I am tired of the narcissism.  I am  tired of the anger.  Tired of the blame.  Tired of the bitterness.  Tired of being denied my emotions or emotional support because of his anger.  Tired of feeling as though I must dim what scant light manages to shine forth from me because it threatens his ego, his fragile sense of self.  Tired of feeling that I must live only for his sake.  Want to know what it is like?  Go read this.  I did, and cried, because yes.

I have tried to save us.  I am a strong swimmer, a strong woman, but I can't save the titanic if I'm the only one bailing.  Now, too little too late, he is trying to talk, saying he wants to do the work.  Now, after insults and lashing out and words calculated to devastate, now when I have told him honestly that something has broken, has died, inside me and I don't know if it can be repaired or revived, now he wants to make the effort, and...

And I don't think it's working.

I know it's not working.

I know it is futile.

I found some value in myself, and he tried to kill it.  I did something I'm proud of and he railed against me for excluding him.  I strive to provide a childhood for our daughter and he complains about what he's missing rather than exulting that she is experiencing wonderful things in the world through the many people who adore her.

I get it.  He IS missing out, he IS stuck in prison, but we're imprisoned, too, and I yearn to be free.  I have to be free.  I have to be able to breathe, to sing, without worrying that somehow I will wake the slumbering giant of rage and it will terrorize us.  It's not right to expect us to molder away here, stuck in the moment in time when HIS choices put him where he is, but expect that, he does.

I have tried to tell him over the last few nights, but he won't hear me, keeps trying to turn the conversation to something hopeful or distracting, and I'm too damned tired to fight him for conversational supremacy but I have to, have to make him understand that this isn't his home any more, that I will love him forever but can't live with him any more, we are not partners and haven't been for a very long time and I don't have it in me to carry us both any more.

I'm lonely, and tired, and aching, and lost.  There's no road map through this place.  Where do we go from here?

There's An Art to This

I know it's probably not as interesting to y'all who aren't in the mix, but I'm writing about the poly thing again.

Someone is learning that being poly doesn't mean a relationship and some extra nookie on the side - it's work that grows exponentially with every new facet added to the stone.

I am learning that each time there is a new interest, there's some adjusting to do. Now, don't get me wrong, it's not like there are new interests every day; so far, there are two besides me who have found a place into Someone's heart, and one of them is so new they've only met in person once. They don't know what their relationship is, yet, besides nascent.

You know how new love/attraction is, right? All that anxiety, all that drive to be together all the time, the drive to attract and hold the other - songs, flowers, poetry, prose, the showing off of one's best self.

The trouble with that is the attention and effort going into the new love/interest is time and effort NOT going into what's already there, and that can hurt.

I am woman enough to admit that, yeah, I want that kind of attention, too. I want songs carefully chosen for how they speak of the interest/attraction someone feels for me. I want e-mails or Facebook posts of flower photos gleaned from the Internet just because they're my favorite kind, or because they remind someone of me. I want the sweet words of longing, the poetic phrases the tell me how he sees me (which is always so much nicer than how I see myself).

It's not that I am not loved, or even loved the less because there's another woman catching Someone's eyes...it's that I am a known quantity. I am home, I am comfortable, I am the warm presence that never leaves him, wherever he may be. When he is hurt, it's I who gets the call or holds him close. When he's lost, it is I who he calls to guide him where he needs to be - usually home. If pressed to choose, there would not be a moment's though - he would choose me above all others. The others know this...not because they need to be "put in their place", but because it is the truth...just as we all know that if Lady R was made to choose between her J and our Someone, she would not think twice - it would be her J, hands down.

While I'm being honest, I wouldn't mind if I didn't have to be the one to deal with the meltdowns, the fugues, when his other loves don't call, write, message, or otherwise communicate with him when they say they will...or when they don't respond when he reaches out for them. Their silence always leads to the worst conclusions in his mind, and he is anguished, which turns to anger, guilt, and self-hatred, and those things are abundant enough in this house without others' carelessness adding to them.

So Someone had this new interest. I shall call her Lily, as that's her flower of choice and how he refers to her online.

I don't know her well enough to say if I like her or not, but I am leaning towards interest in finding out more about her, intrigue at her life and personality - she must be special to have caught his eye - and curiosity about her ethics, her ethos, who she is when no one's looking.

They can only communicate via Facebook right now as she is in an untenable domestic situation and can't openly have a love/lover, a complication that I don't like one bit because it violates our first rule of open, honest communications at all times. I understand her need for discretion, given her situation, but I am troubled by this lack of honesty that is mandated by her situation.

Through Facebook, they send each other songs all day long, songs of love and longing. They post photographs and artwork meant to express their yearning to be together. They send messages that keep the fires burning.

I was hurt by this. Was. I've had time to think about my response, and it's not that I grudge her the sweetness...it's that I grudge the loss of effort on my behalf. More than me, though, Lady R is hurting over this, and for much the same reason - all the effort he puts into Lily is effort we don't get. I hurt for Lady R...I have already been through this when she and Someone met...but she's not experienced what it's like for her lover to be interested elsewhere like this, yet.

Last night we were discussing Lady R and her pain (if I were to tally the hours spent discussing relationships, I think most of them would be dedicated to Lady R and her J, or Lady R and Someone, and lately, to Lily and her place in this puzzle, something both of us know we need to remedy - we have to work on US, too), and I told him my thoughts on all this mushy Facebook stuff: He thought he was making an effort for Lady R, but I pointed out that he's posting messages of love for all three of us at once (say, one photo addressing all of us in the post), but not individually. Individually, for every song he sends Lady R, he sends six to Lily. . For every picture of a certain color rose (Lady R's flower) he finds and posts online, he finds and posts a handful more lilies for Lily. Since we share so much music and art here in person, I am trying not to have ruffled feathers over the scarcity of such things on my behalf, but as I'm fighting social conditioning, I occasionally have a little sniff, snuffle, whimper myself.

I can't grudge them what little they get of Someone - after all, he is HERE, with ME, and happily so - but I DO think it's important to work equally at maintaining the established and the new.

It's a work in progress, this picture we're painting - sometimes, it feels like we're choosing colors in the dark, brushing them on blindly and hoping for the best.

Work

These relationship things are work, I tell ya.

When you open them up to polyamory, it raises the stakes, and the workload, considerably.

This is why we need communication, even when we'd really like to crawl in a hole and lick our wounds. Silence fosters negative thoughts - it's the perfect growing medium for fear and doubt, kind of like the jack-o-lanterns on our steps are for growing funky red mold.

Add to that the fact that it is sometimes difficult to separate where we have issues - it it because of a new/other relationship, or is it something internal? And can we really separate them, after all? Is the issue mine, yours, or someone else's? If it's someone else's, are they working with us to find a resolution, or just dumping it on our laps and letting us do the work?

Sigh.

Open, honest communications at all time and with all involved. Not negotiable.

Part of what has caused some hurt around here in the last few days is a lack of communication, complicated by a veil of misunderstanding and hurt that alters everything we hear and experience. Because Someone and I both have quite a bit of negative history from before we met, we have to be aware of this filter and work extra hard not to take things at their worst. Most of the time, we do fine...but now and then one, or the other, or both of us, will be in a bad headspace and take everything wrong. It all becomes a judgement of how worthless we are.

We've had a sort of perfect storm of that kind of thing here at the Casa. We're recovering, but only because neither of us is willing to let anger or hurt break us. We're still a little prickly, a little sensitive, but we're getting better by the minute.

Even when we want to hide from it, even when we really don't want to get into the murky darkness and feel around for what's really hurting us, we put our big-kid panties on, hitch up our britches, and (eventually) wade in...because yeah, it's work, sometimes nasty work, but it's absolutely worth it to know that there is nothing left to question, that we know where we stand - side by side.

There Are Not Words

I wish I had the words. I just don't. I'm out of words. They have proven useless, anyway, impotent. The words that were once valued, prized, lauded, are now ashes and dust to be swept away, unheeded. I wish I could convince you that I am honest, and true, that I do love you and that I am happy that you love - me, other women, our daughter. I wish you believed in me.

What hurts is not that you love others. Polyamory isn't the issue. I like Lady R, and I am sure that, given time and opportunity, I will like H as well. I don't think one should limit love, and I won't ask anyone to pretend that they can just because my feathers are ruffled.

What hurts is not that you seem to save your anger for me. I get it - I am safe, the one person who will face it, absorb it, stand toe to toe with you, show you your anger and what it does, and won't throw you out, throw you away, because you are feeling what you feel.

What hurts is not that the sweetness, the softness, are reserved for others, but not for me.

What hurts is something that comes from within me...from a place of envy, of wishing that I was the one who inspired the search for the right picture to post, for the right song to share, for the sweet words to flow. I wish I was the source for the anticipation, the giddiness, the excitement, the laughter and delight. I wish I was the one you were trying so very hard to make smile, that you so wanted to touch, taste, smell, be with. I wish I didn't feel as though all I have left is this tired old love that doesn't shine any more, but is staid and dependable and...boring.

And sometimes...if I am being honest (which I strive to do, even when it hurts and costs me dearly), sometimes I wish there was someone who looked forward to seeing me, speaking to me, the way you used to...the way you do with the new ones, but not, it seems, me any more. There isn't anyone else, though, and I don't believe there ever will be.

This is the down side to polyamory. The new beginnings that sometimes...okay, usually...leave me feeling left behind, dusty and dull and unwanted. I have no new beginnings. No one looks twice at me. Why should they when there are so many brighter blossoms to pluck?

It passes, this wistfulness. It passes when I remember that as often as you may take wing, fly away from me, you always come back...so there must be something worth coming back to. Maybe I am not exciting in that shiny, new way, but I'm where you want to be or you wouldn't return. If I can't have that new-love feeling, that bonfire conflagration, I have the long, slow heat of the hearth to call my own.

Because It's On My Mind, That's Why

Brace yourself...more thoughts on polyamoury...

It occurred to me as I was writing those posts that I was taking a chance, risking the loss of readers, of friends (those well known and those as yet met only here in the Blue Nowhere), and even of family contact. This is an aspect of our lives that we haven't exactly advertised. It's not a secret...but like many things that can draw censure to a body, it's something we've chosen simply to live, to discuss if it came up or we were asked about it...but certainly not to wear on our t-shirts (not that I wear t-shirts), tattoo on our faces, or carry placards for.

So why write about it? Why make it so very public to friend, family, and stranger alike? Why invite confusion, disgust, scorn, anger, judgement?

Well...

In part because I use my writing to help me clarify my thoughts. And in part because I'm not ashamed of loving...and don't think anyone should be. Last summer I found myself wishing that I could love freely, love fearlessly, love without regret. It's something I wish for us all.

I truly believe that when one is honest, open, communicative, and (this part's awfully important) doing no harm to any one else involved (safe, sane, and consensual, people), there is no shame in loving.

I'll be the first to admit that my sexual and emotional histories are...ermmm...unusual. I lived a very sheltered life...right up until I didn't. In that sheltered time I was sexually and emotionally abused, silenced and marginalized. It will take a lifetime to soften the scarring from that...

Once free of my old life, I began to look around and see that there were many types of people, and they weren't all out to do me harm. Some of them loved a little differently, but they weren't inherently evil.

While I never practiced it, I was part of the BD/SM community (club secretary for a bondage club, I'll tell you about it some time) and learned a lot about so-called deviance. I learned a fair bit about traditional love and how it can flourish...and how it can imprison.

I've seen family's torn to pieces over who or how someone loves.

I don't want to hide.

A lot of the conversations around Casa de Crazy have been about polyamoury, of late...especially about Lady R and her situation, caught as she is between the beauty of love growing and the stones of tradition and mainstream thought. While Someone and I managed to find our way through what could be a very rocky shoal with each other, she is largely on her own navigating the waters.

If "love" hadn't been turned into "own" somewhere back in time, none of us would have this trouble.

If J could see how R shines when she's with him, how her love emanates palpably from her in his presence, and how it pains her to think of losing him...he would not fear her loss. He would know that she could no more move on to another, leave him behind, than she could separate herself from half of her soul. If he could see how she lights up with Someone, detach himself from jealousy enough to see her happiness, he would wish her joy in the association, in the loving, knowing as he would that she may love Someone...but J is home for Lady R, as I am home for Someone.

While it pains me to think that I may suffer loss because of this...it pains me more to think of the loss we'd all know if we had to bind ourselves up in a restrictive definition of what love is supposed to be.

Once again I find myself unable to put into words what's fizzing about in my mind...so I'm certain I'll touch on this topic again. If it's uncomfortable for you, dear reader, then I am truly sorry, and I hope you'll be patient with my need to write and write and write until I have found the words I'm looking for...and meanwhile, I'll try to give you some warning as to the subject matter so you can skip these posts entirely and move on to less discomfiting entries.

Poly Wanna Get Interesting

When we discussed being open, being polyamorous, we didn't have much idea what that meant beyond being open to the possibilities of loving others as well as each other.

When Someone discovered that he felt quite strongly for Lady R, it prompted much discussion between us, and we came to agree on some (for lack of a better phrase) ground rules: open, honest communication at all times and with all involved; don't bring home any plagues.

Someone and I have never had difficulty communicating...or, rather, while we may struggle to find the right words and have (on more than one occasion) found ourselves frustrated in our struggles...we have never shied away from saying what we felt and dealing with those feelings.

When he knew he loved Lady R, he told me so. It can't have been easy. While I may worry that he'll leave me for another...he must have wondered if I would be enraged or hurt enough to send him packing. It takes courage to tell somebody "I love you, and I love this other person, too, equally well..." and let yourself face the consequences.

Poor Lady R...

Her partner (she is in a relationship) had said he was fine with an open relationship, but until now she'd never acted on that. She was worried about acting on it, to be honest...worried that she would hurt a man whom she loves deeply. She's not looking to replace J...and she certainly doesn't want to lose him.

She didn't tell him, at first, about her burgeoning love for Someone, nor that she had consummated it.

I will admit...this troubled me. While I feel I have less to say on the matter than anyone else involved (because I am less directly involved in R's two relationships)...it troubled me. I understand, deeply, the fear of loss...how like walking off a cliff it must feel, and how much faith must one have in one's loves and in one's self to speak anyway...

It bothered Someone, too, that Lady R had not spoken to her partner...he didn't like being a secret, didn't like not knowing how he should act, that he would have to restrain himself in J's presence (he loves not only with words, but with frequent touch, with all of himself - such a loving is not easy to curtail...like breathing with only one lung)...but he and I have both respected Lady R's need for her own process and have not pressed.

She finally told J a bit about her feelings (although I do not know if they have had full disclosure...this kind of thing sometimes needs to be eased into. Please don't judge; she risks losing not one but two loves, risks having her heart broken in so many ways. I feel for Lady R...and have told Someone that, while I hope she never has the NEED, there's a place here at Casa de Crazy for her if it's wanted).

J was hurt...and fearful...but he has not (to my knowledge)given ultimatums or retracted his offer of an open relationship. He is looking his fears in the face and owning them. He has spoken of them to Lady R. He has not, yet, had an opportunity to speak to Someone or to me about his feelings and sound us out on ours...but I am hoping that one day he will, and that he will find his fears allayed. Someone isn't looking to replace J, nor is he hoping that Lady R will supplant me. He simply wishes to follow the dictates of his heart and...love...

Our first foray into ployamoury has been illuminating for me. I am not jealous...although I have owned that I may have moments of envy, little pangs for things that they share which Someone and I do not. There are things which Someone and I share which he and Lady R will not. In the end, it is what we have that matters.

I believe it helps that I like the lady. I believe it helps that she likes me well enough. I believe it helps that all of us - Someone, me, Lady R and J - are capable of being honest with ourselves and each other. I believe that it helps that we can and will communicate and strive to understand each other. I believe that it helps that we are not looking for another couple to be co-spouses with...a whole other form of polyamoury that I am not yet ready for. Sure, I can share my beloved...but not my living room.

I know it helps that, even after this beginning, Someone calls me home...and I believe him when he tells me that it doesn't matter whither he will wander...he will always come home.

This journey isn't over...it's only just beginning. I haven't looked outside my relationship with Someone, haven't tested those boundaries yet. I don't know that I ever will...I lack the confidence that more than one person could love me this way (if I'm being honest). I can love in the abstract, and do so easily...but physically? I am still amazed that Someone can call me beautiful...especially when I see the women he has loved, still loves...how strong, vibrant, intelligent they all are...how on earth could two people have the same delusion feel the same way about me at once??

I don't regret setting out on this path, though...and look with interest to where it may yet lead.

I don't believe there's such a thing as too much love.
~~~~~
I feel compelled to add that this was written from my viewpoint...and while I strive to be impartial, things will be colored by my experiences and opinions. If Someone, Lady R, or J should happen to read and feel compelled to add or discuss anything, I welcome their words.

I left a lot out, because this was long enough as it was. If you think I jumped about, have questions or wisdom to share...tell me. It is a simple and yet deeply complex issue, and so far outside the normal experience...while I've had many conversations about the subject, this is the first time I've tried to tackle it in writing...and I feel I have not done it justice, but have done the best I can at the moment.

Poly Wanna Some More

This past Summer, Someone met another woman for whom he felt great attraction...and love. He spoke to me about it, asked if I would truly be alright with him acting on his feelings.

There's a risk in being poly - what if he finds he likes the other better? What if he finds he loves her more, would rather be with her?

What if he realizes that I am not, after all, home?

It's scary, and for that alone it would be easy to take up the cry of "Monogamy! Monogamy!!". Still...what kind of love imprisons? I'd rather know he's here because it's where he wants to be, not because he feels he can't be anywhere else.

I examined my own feelings and told him I was fine with it. This was just after we'd discovered I was/am pregnant, and I admit to some trepidation about things...but mostly because I am not lively, not light in spirit, not petite and lithe in the ways that Lady R is (Lady R I shall call her so as to protect her identity until such time as SHE wishes to make herself public). I was very aware of the dangers involved with telling one's love to go and love another, freely...

But you can't hold onto the wind, can you? Or water? Or fire? Even the earth cannot, truly, be owned...and as I hold these things sacred, why would I try? I hold love to be no less sacred...and so, let it fly free.

My Swan (for so he is, even as he is another's love/lover...he's still My Swan)(and I am his Flower, even as I may one day love others...I will always be HIS Flower) didn't want to hurt me, and would have honored my fears. I'm glad he didn't have to.

He and Lady R acted on their nascent feelings, and their love has grown despite distance and...difficulties. She thanked me for sharing. I told her there was no need to thank...how can I share what is not mine to begin with? I don't mean that to sound harsh...to sound as if I don't care. I do care...to lose Someone would be...devastating...but he isn't mine any more than the sun or moon are mine...and while their light may warm, guide, and comfort me, they belong to themselves first, and to whomever they share themselves with second...

That Someone has chosen to weave himself into the tapestry of my life is a blessing beyond counting, beyond measure...and one I am happy to share with anyone who is lucky enough to catch his eye, his heart...
~~~~~
Next - some more of our story, the ground rules, and how things can get complicated despite one's best efforts...

Poly Wanna

It occurs to me that, while I find it perfectly "normal", my relationship with Someone is entirely outside the norm.

As if shacking up and having a baby without (gasp) wedding vows being involved (although if you think the ring or the vows cause babies, then my disillusionment with the current school system holds and we really should have a talk) and our paganism weren't enough out of the ordinary, we have another facet to our relationship that I haven't much (if at all) addressed here, although he's mentioned it a time or two on one or the other of his blogs.

It's those mentions, in fact, that have caused me to realize the absence of certain information here - friends of mine who read our blogs have asked me about things he's said regarding a girlfriend.

You see, we have a polyamorous relationship.

Not that there are fifteen of us shacking up here at Casa de Crazy - although I wouldn't complain as long as everyone else did chores, leaving me free to lounge on the couch all day nibbling grapes. What do you mean, how would that be different than my life now??

Nope - here at the house, there's us, the cats, and the kid (soon to be kids).

Lemme 'splain.

Someone and I met largely because he wrote a post about polyamoury that caught my attention. I liked his viewpoint and how he expressed himself. In a later post we had a conversation about love and how it's defined and expressed in the comments section of that post. Several others joined in. It was lively, and I enjoyed it.

I was not poly at the time, because T and I were still married and, while I'd told him from the start that I was fine with an open relationship, he hated the idea and said so...so our boundaries were clear - monogamy.

I have never, in fact, been in a poly relationship before this one...mostly because I can honestly say this is only the second relationship I've been in, and while I feel quite comfortable with the idea of spending the rest of my life with Someone, it doesn't exactly make me a woman of the world, does it?

I've long believed that restricting love to one, and only one, was not right for me. I can live with monogamy in a sexual sense, but when loving (beyond the physical) is also bound up in vows and expectations, I believe the heart...fails...
~~~~~

I'm going to continue this in other posts, because otherwise it'll be too freakin' long...stick with me, won't you?