Modem Operendi

Or perhaps it should be "Modem Non-Operendi".

The modem on Desktop Bob, the big computer, is being...fractious.

Friday night, it simply quit. One moment, Someone was online wreaking havoc in the worlds of vampires and the Mafia, the next? Nothing. Nada. Screen freeze, then complete inability to connect to the Blue Nowhere.

Now every time we try to log on with Desktop Bob, the big computer, we are told that something or other cannot receive something or other else. As far as I can tell, it's trying to say the the Internet won't talk to Desktop Bob, the big computer, or perhaps Desktop Bob, the big computer won't talk to the Internet, or it may be a mutual snubbing.

In addition, I can't seem to convince Desktop Bob, the big computer, that he even has a modem. I may be doing it wrong, but when I ask him (nicely, too, without even a single threat of magnets or firearms to encourage him) to seek out his modem he contemplates his navel for a while them comes back and says he doesn't have one and would I like to install one? When I say yes, yes I would, he offers me installation options that may as well be in Esperanto for all I can comprehend them.

Yesterday a program popped up telling us we had more viruses in storage than the CDC, asking would we like to scan. Sure, why not? It listed a number of rather scary looking bugs it supposedly found on the hard drive, the offered to eradicate them. Score! Desktop Bob, the big computer, would soon be adrift in the Blue Nowhere again!

Umm...or not...

See, as soon as we clicked on the "clean up this plague riddled computer" button, we were taken to a website selling the clean-up service...for a lot of dough. Casa de Crazy is rather short on dough of the spending kind right now, although we can produce bread dough a-plenty on fairly short notice. I found it interesting that we couldn't get online in any other way except to this site trying to sell us stuff.

Today, I dinked around with poor Desktop Bob, the big computer, and discovered that although I had let our McAfee lapse (because remember that thing about dough?), it was still willing to do a scan and tell us what bugaboos we had that were born prior to the last update.

A long while later Desktop Bob, the big computer, was feeling thoroughly examined and McAfee reported...erm...nothing.

Well...shite...

Nothing else is malfunctioning...just our ability to get Someone into the Blue Nowhere via Desktop Bob, the big computer...and I'm at a loss.

Could the modem have simply given up the ghost? Is it an interface problem? Why does Desktop Bob, the big computer, think he's connected via our home network, yet won't let us online? Why does it tell us "Internet Explorer cannot display the webpage"? And when we click to diagnose the problem, why does it say "The remote device or server won't accept the connection"? Why does this sort of thing always happen to electronic devices in my employ? And why can't I win the lottery and hire a live-in geek to fix these things for me when they inevitably happen??

For now, Someone has to share Bob the Wonder Computer with me. Bob the Wonder Computer is feeling old, slow, and cranky and has a touchpad mouse that thwarts Someone's attempts to caress cooperation out of it, but the wireless modem is working fine...for now...

Don't even get me started on how the Evil Genius feels about all of this...I'm surprised they can't hear the howls up on the International Space Station!

Sick and Tired

What a cheerful title for a post, no?

I spent yesterday trying to figure out why my laptop suddenly wouldn't sign on to the Internet. None of the Internet programs could get access for more than a moment before they would log off. AOL tried for over an hour to reconnect, and every time the welcome screen came up, the program would go down. Then I could see what caused the error for exactly ten seconds, until the program tried again. Hint to AOL: Make the error screen a little easier to hang onto, so when non-tech savvy people like me call your outsourced help line, we can sound a little less like a jackass. Also, teach your customer service personnel to get call-back info so when THEY hang up on the customer before the call is done, THEY can call back and finish being completely useless.

Also, AOL? Don't send a snarky little e-mail about how the call went unfinished because I didn't provide enough information. Because I couldn't. Because your outsourced employee. Hung. Up. On. Me. And also, also..,.don't include in that e-mail a million helpful hints that can only be implemented ONLINE. By the computer having the problem. Because it CAN'T GET ONLINE!!!! Whew. I feel a tiny bit better. You?

After realizing that I wasn't getting any help from that quarter...and you should know, I LOVE my AOL, defend them constantly from detractors, and have been a member since-well, a long, long time ago - so it pains me to admit their ineptitude here...I started backing things up onto disks. See, I think I may have to replace Windows, since it looks like it was a Windows file that went bad on me. Hmmm...was it born bad or did it choose to go down that road of corruption? I guess I'll never know. Anyway, I spent the rest of yesterday evening alternating between cooking dinner, saving files, watching the Tuesday evening American Idol on TiVo (because it's like cotton candy for my brain), and being horribly sick. Ugh.

Sometime during the wait on hold for customer service, someone began driving a railroad spike through the back of my head. Ow. It intensified as I waited and tried (with no success) my limited bag of tricks for making Bob the Wonder Computer happy again. The headache got worse as time wore on. When the idiot customer service person disconnected me in the middle of the call, I called back, started going through the whole "push this button so we don't have to do our jobs by asking you any questions or be helpful or anything" menu, and had to stop. The light in the kitchen was stabbing me in the eye in a most unpleasant fashion.

I had to get dinner made in the midst of this, so I hung up on the AOL customer frustration service line and tried to get busy. Good thing spaghetti is so easy, because my brain was throbbing, the muscles in my scalp and neck ached, and I was ready to cry...I have a LOT of pictures and written work on Bob the Wonder Computer, and all of it has to be backed up NOW if I don't want to lose it. I know, I know, I should be backing up anyway, but CD-Rs are expensive and I am usually too broke to buy them. Sigh. I started backing things up, praying to Binarus Geekram (the God of computers) that I would get all the important stuff onto the few discs I have. Do you know how many pictures I have on Bob the Wonder Computer? Neither did I until I started backing them up. Wow. I am a picture taking fool. Luckily, I think all the Word files made it onto one disk...I will double and triple check throughout today, just to be sure...losing all that creative effort would be..."horrible" doesn't even begin to describe what it would be.

And in the middle of dinner, customer no-service, and Idol, my stomach decided that it was in league with my head...which by then was demanding that I remain perfectly still or it would fall off, and by the way could the Earth quit spinning quite so fast? Even speaking was out, and I know our roommate J was disappointed by that, because half the reason he watches AI is to listen to me snipe at the contestants. Last night, I could barely be bothered. At least he liked dinner. I don't know if I liked mine or not...it didn't hang around long enough for me to judge. Aren't you glad I shared that? I managed to get Bird to bed, and do lights out without too much struggle...and I felt awful the whole time. I ate a couple of Smarties because now my blood sugar was in the basement, too, and sat in one of the big chairs and dozed for a few minutes until I felt like I could face the leftover spaghetti without falling over, put that mess away (and that's not a happy smell when you feel ill, is it?) and went to bed.

I was cold all night, despite the three kitties rolled into balls all around me. Sigh...sweet girls, they knew I didn't feel well, and they tucked themselves in and stayed with me all night.

I hate feeling ill...and it's worse when I can't be a part of family life and just want to lie down, but can't, so I just sit there all limp and useless. Bleh. Once the house was quiet and dark, it was better...I didn't sleep well, at first, because I still had low blood sugar and that railroad spike was still getting pounded into the back of my head, but eventually sleep won.

Of course, Bird woke up early today, so I did too. The headache is mostly gone, now, but Bob the Wonder Computer is still not himself and I am alternating between saving files on that computer and writing this on the desktop beast. The Lady Grey tea and lemon scone are making me happy, anyway. And I got to watch Handy Manny with Bird...I like the character's voice, it sounds nice...and Bird thought that was awesome, because a) I don't normally let him watch TV before lunch, and usually not until after quiet time, and b) I almost never watch with him, because most children' television irritates the ever-lovin' crap out of me.

Almost two hours and several hundred typos later (I'm not used to using this keyboard...that's my excuse and I'm sticking to it), I am going to post this and give Bob a rest...I'm out of CD-Rs. Sigh.

It's going to be a long day, I just know it. Think kind thoughts for me, will you?