But Oh, Wouldn't It Be Lovely?

Sigh.

What one wants and what one needs may be two different things, but they sure can feel much alike.

That I need to find a way to move my family to a place less surrounded by hateful neighbors and overzealous law enforcement, a place perhaps quieter and more distant from the city, is a given in my family.

That I want to move closer to my mother and my friend A, out into the country, is also a given.

Those two things often get entangled.

And the truth is...

The truth is that my mother already pays my mortgage and most of my bills.  She buys clothing for my children and takes care of my medical expenses.  Hell, she even buys cat food most of the time because I cannot.

The truth is, I can never repay her for all that she does.

So getting a new place, moving out of this neighborhood and into the country, just isn't possible the way things stand now.

I can want in one hand and spit in the other, and I know which one will fill up first.

But I do want.

I do.

There's a place for sale, just went on the market last Friday, isn't even on the MLS yet.  The asking price is ambitious on the part of the seller and well beyond the best that I could offer (about $2.75 at the moment), and there is no way short of a lottery win that I can make it happen, but dammit, the wanting throbs into the feeling of need, and the need grinds away at me and won't let me be.

I cannot stop thinking about this house.  I haven't seen it, only heard a description from a friend who lives across the street.  I likely won't ever see it, because seeing it would just make the wanting worse, and why waste the time or energy taunting myself?

More and more of my life is there, near my mother.  My doctor, my new counselor (I found a place that provides psych services on a sliding scale) are a few minutes away.  Eventually, I will make it up there, away from here, far from the unpleasant neighbor who wishes me to live her way because only she knows how to live a right life.  For now I feel both sheltered and trapped here in Casa de Crazy.  It's a good house in a good place and I've no right to complain or wish for more than what we have.  I can't help it, though.

I'll feel this want until the house is sold and I have a few days of despair to muddle through because I hoped that a miracle would occur, maybe.

One can dream, and one can wish, and one can think how nice it would be, and life goes  on, but oh...