Ayuh.

I Quit Counting At Fifty

My name is not Steve.

There is no portion of my anatomy that needs lengthening, hardening, or improved endurance.

I don't know who "she" is or why her enjoyment hinges upon my performance, and I don't care. "She" can take care of herself - I have a family to look after.

I don't care about what's left of Victoria's secrets - those scraps of fabric wouldn't cover my big toe, let alone the rest of me.

I don't need to find someone's phone number via a shady Internet service. I have a phone book.

If I need pharmaceutical aid, I have a doctor and a pharmacy that can oblige me - I won't be going anywhere I need a passport to get my medication.

I don't care how wonderful your computer program is, I am not interested in it. My laptop is full. Full I tell you! It will not hold a jot more, not one little bit.

I don't care to see your new pictures or live web-cam. I certainly am not interested in seeing you in your underwear. Have we met? What makes you think I give a rat's patootie about your anatomy - if I want nekkid or barely dressed, I have children who will oblige me whether I like it or not. Underwear does not turn me on - it reminds me of laundry I haven't done yet.

I think Pandora jewelry is several kinds of hideous and wouldn't wear it, let alone advertise it, without being paid huge, disgusting, truly obscene amounts of money, and even then I would still say I thought it was hideous. It is not improved by being presented in another language (especially a language that I barely speak). If you love it beyond measure, hurrah for you, you can have my share and godspeed - we each have our own tastes and mine don't run in that direction.

Whatever you think I want to get up to in a photo booth, you're wrong. Just wrong. Nope. Nope, nope, nope.

If I want pictures of hot nude men and male celebrities, I will Google search them, thanks anyway. Also, I do not want pictures of hot nude men or male celebrities.

I neither desire nor require a payday loan. In case you haven't read this blog (and clearly, someone hasn't), I do not have paydays. And if I did, I would know better than to get loans predicated on money I haven't earned yet, with huge interest rates and usurious terms.

I don't need nude models. I have children. I see all the anatomy I care to (and plenty that I don't) on a regular basis, with bonus poop! I go to clothing optional events to sell...er...clothing, actually (hmm...), so I am not in need of any adult bits-n-pieces either. Also, I have Someone, who provides all the fun bits-n-pieces I want on demand and without requiring a credit card or loading a virus onto my hard drive, so thanks but no thanks.

I was gone for ten days. I returned to an e-mail box full of notices of blog comments. My heart did not go pity-pat. I know better. Of nearly two-hundred e-mails, more than fifty were blog comments. Four were from actual people-type people. The rest were what I will generously call "spam". This has only started since I disabled word verification on comments.

My blog is a tiny speck in the Blue Nowhere - why am I one of the lucky spamees??

I will no longer permit anonymous comments. Sorry. If you want to say something on my blog, you will have to identify yourself, or at least make an effort to amuse me by making up a false identity. C'mon, pseudonyms can be fun!

Spam...bah!

I Wonder What It Will Be

Anybody Home In There?

I am a little concerned about the Evil Genius.

Either he's suffering from a traumatic head injury that he failed to tell me about or...oh, yeah, wait...he's nine. That explains it.

He is forgetful. To an exasperating extent.

He leaves lights on that should be turned off. He leaves dishes and cups and crumbs on the table and dishes out huge servings of attitude when reminded to clean up after himself. Likewise with the empty wrappers and containers. He leaves clothes on the floor, and toys, and books and...is that Jimmy Hoffa???

He leaves toys at other people's houses, including the iPod Touch his father gave him and the cell phone that he's supposed to keep charged and with him when he's not home. He leaves his cell phone off or uncharged most of the time. He leaves doors open that should be closed, leaves things withing Sprout's reach that should not be there.

He forgets things I told him only moments ago. He forgets to brush his teeth or clear off his bed or flush the toilet. Sometimes he forgets to comb his hair or change his clothes for days on end unless I remind him relentlessly to do so.

And he's not even a tween yet, let alone a teen.

I'm going to need Xanax...

And We're Off!

Sometime this evening, Someone will be home. Whew, we've missed him!

As soon as he gets home, we'll have to get his laundry done and packed, because tomorrow morning at the crack of ohmygodit'searly! we are pulling out of Casa de Crazy and heading for the wilds of Earlville, Illinois. That's about a fourteen hour drive if we don't stop to eat, pee, fuel up, or let the Sprout run a little.

Eek.

Although I am game to try making it in one go, I am fairly certain we'll be stopping before we get to Earlville. Between Sprout, who only puts up with that car-seat nonsense for a minimum of time, and Someone, who will just have finished a fourteen-plus hour drive, I think the tolerance for van sitting will not permit more than a ten-hour or so haul. We'll see...

Earlville...sounds like a thriving metropolis doesn't it?

I wouldn't be going, but the band was hired to perform at an event there...and it's kind of difficult to sing in Illinois when I'm in Ohio (which is where I WOULD be going if we weren't singing in Illinois). Anyone know the trick to bi-location??

Today will be busy here - I need to get all the little (and not so little) last-minute things done. Sprout is likely to spend most of the day disgruntled, as she will have to play by herself for a while - T picked the Evil Genius up last night, which made the boy happy but left me without entertainment for Sprout, who adores nothing better than to play with her Big Brudder.

Oh, well...

If I have time later I'll pre-post some things...otherwise, y'all are on your own until I get back. Help yourself to whatever's in the fridge, stay out of the liquor cabinet, and for the love of all that's holy, wouldja please flush this time?

Yawn

I'm tired.

I feel boring.

Sprout has been waking up in the night again, and also early in the morning. I've taken to taking her into my bed so she can nestle in with me and sleep a little more. A sleep-deprived Sprout is not pretty or fun!

I have not been going anywhere much of late. Too much to do, of late - trying to sew, laundry, housework, getting ready for the trip, and simply wrangling two energetic and attention-demanding kids. The grocery store is about the edge of our travel limits.

Thank goodness for Netflix. T let us use his account, and the Evil Genius and I take turns picking things to ignore. Right now we're watching the series "Life After People". I am cleaning by inches, packing a little at a time, asking the Evil Genius to play with Sprout while I clean the van and trailer. He's been wonderful, and she adores him so she doesn't mind that I go outside without her.

I could use some kid-free time, if I'm being honest...but that's a rare commodity. I got a little last Saturday - some friends came over and minded the spawn while I went up to Mum's for an artists' market. It was nice. More, please!

It's looking like Someone will not be home until late on Thursday. It'll be a long, busy day for me - T is picking up the Evil Genius (the little dude doesn't want to go on this trip, and I figured he and his father could use some time together, so the boy will have ten days with his dad, all good), I need to get the trailer and van packed and hitched (imagine how fun that'll be, on my own!), get trash out, cat boxes cleaned, garden watered, and generally making everything ready, because we're leaving at 6 in the morning on Friday. Someone can sleep a bit in the van if the baby behaves herself. It's at least a fourteen hour drive. I hope to do it all, but realistically we'll be lucky to make ten or twelve hours. Sprout starts to get pissed off and tells us about it, and there's only so much of that we can take before we have to stop.

I'd love to help you get to sleep with more details, but I need to get off my tired arse and get to doing laundry, finish packing, and running errands.

What're your days looking like?

Thoughtfetti

Gah! I cleaned the shower drain today. Did you know shower drains have removable drain plates? I've lived here at Casa de Crazy for what, twelve years? I didn't know that... Anyway, I have long hair. Long hair, apparently, clog drains. Huh. So I noticed these two tiny screws and thought to myself "Self, if we remove these screws, I bet we could get that drain a lot cleaner than we are with these tweezers." Don't ask. Screws removed, I used pliers to reach down the drain. What? You think I'm sticking body parts down there?? I removed something roughly the size and shape of a ferret. Joy.

~~~~~

Today I was explaining what addiction is to the Evil Genius. Good grief, that's a hell of a concept to boil down to nine-year-old understanding. We finally concluded that addiction is when one's mind or body believes that it needs something in order to function when, in fact, that something is not only NOT needed to live, it is contrary to sustaining life.

~~~~~

Sprout outgrew her old car seat. Mum got her a new one. The new seat is huge! It bears more than a passing resemblance to a NASA launch seat

~~~~~

Crab legs are on sale at the market. Even on sale they're an extravagance. Do I dare?

~~~~~

I shucked corn for dinner tonight, and it brought me back to my childhood - we would shuck corn out behind the kitchen and feed the husks to the horses. They loved 'em. I miss Cole Walker's sweet corn...

~~~~~

I am supposed to take medication daily...twice a day, in fact. It's not that difficult a concept - take one pill in the morning and one in the evening, and hey-presto! Slightly better health! So why is it that as often as not I miss one or both pill-takings?

~~~~~

With Someone out of town, I have had the whole bed to myself. I get to wallow over half and acre (Queen sized bed) with impunity. With only one occupant, that bed is enormous. Fun as hogging the covers is, I will be very happy when he's home.
~~~~~

I adore listening to my children at play. Sprout is laughing like a maniac right now. It's beautiful

~~~~~

If wool comes from sheep, does steel wool come from really tough sheep?

And why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Veneer

It's so thin. Transparent, barely there, it gives so easily.

But it's all we have, sometimes.

I am her source of comfort, her solace, the one she turns to when she doesn't understand.

I am Mama, source of all things good.

I'm not supposed to break. The world is full of monsters. She shouldn't wonder if I am one of them.

Snug in my arms, breath slow and even, asleep, she trusts me still.

She saw the dark light that shines through the web of cracks and she trusts me still.

If the veneer crumbles and no one notices, does it count?

Update, Update, Keylime Pie?

Tuesdays usually mean a jaunt up to Mum's for the day. We run errands or hang out at her house doing crafty stuff, gossiping, and generally spending time together. I often bring the kids with me so Someone can have a quiet day.

Today, though, we opted out. Someone is out of town, Mum had weirdness with her voice, it was raining, and we both had things to get done. I'll haul the kids up there on Thursday, even if it's only to hook up the trailer and bring it back to the Casa (I need it here to pack for the event we're going to next week).

I decided I should try to update my phone.

What. A. Process.

Next time I need something to do on a rainy day, I'll refinish the floors. It'll be easier and take less time.

As I write this, the phone is supposedly restoring itself after the update is complete. I have been at it since late this morning! So maybe I have never, ever synched or updated it, and maybe that's a no-no...but good grief, even so, all dang day??

I need to clean some things off of the phone, like some of the over 2,000 photos. Wow. I had no idea there were so many. By later tonight, there will be far fewer.

It is taking long enough that I am wondering what to do while I wait. I'm thinking I should bake a keylime pie. Nothing says "updated phone" like keylime pie, right?

Just a Day

It has been an unremarkable day, really.

The clothes dryer crapped out this weekend - the brand new one - and a repair man came today to teach it the error of its ways. Seems the blower fan came unseated. Of course it did - what else would one expect from an appliance at Casa de Crazy?

I was told to expect the repair person between eight and noon. I woke up a few minutes after eight (don't be jealous, I was up until one-thirty, sewing), went out to the garage to move the old washer out of the way (fun, that, when one is moving the thing alone). He got here at about nine, so I had a little time to play with Sprout and ignore the dirty dishes left over from the weekend (I worked at the track all weekend, leaving house and kids to the tender mercies of Someone and Handy J. Very few dishes were done, but the children, critters, and Casa de Crazy survived intact).

Sprout slept through the night, so that was a bonus...I definitely think she's feeling better. She's certainly eating like crazy, making up for her loss of appetite/throwing up last week.

I put on a movie - Rango - for the kids this morning, to keep them occupied while the repair fellow was here. I had to shut the cats into my room. Bird was up on the couch, entranced. Sprout clambered up and settled in on his lap. Seemingly unaware, her put an arm around her, she leaned back and settled into him, and they watched the movie for about twenty minutes like that. I watched them watching the movie, my two kids together. Sweet.

The dryer was a fairly quick fix. The repair man helped me move the old one into the garage, and I'll get it over by the washer tomorrow so I can maybe park in the garage for a change.

A run to the bank (I was overdrawn, and this weekend garnered me some income to fill that hole), to the grocery store, then home, and it was nap time.

Laundry throughout the afternoon. A phone call or two. A friend came over for dinner, a nice distraction from the presence that isn't here right now.

Boring, huh?

One less day without Someone, who spent the night and today driving/riding with Handy J, on their way to Handy J's land which needs some maintenance.

There was no lottery winning, no phone call telling me I'm being published, no spectacular success or failure - just a day. I'll take it - I so often feel as thought I'm running along the razor's edge of disaster, a dose of ordinary makes a nice change.

Thoughfetti

I took Sprout to the pediatrician on Wednesday - turns out her cold turned into a double ear infection. Pink medicine twice a day since then and she's feeling better, if not completely well.

~~~~~

Someone is out of town until the fourteenth. We leave the fifteenth for Illinois and a ten day gig. This is going to be...interesting...

~~~~~

The brand new clothes dryer crapped out. Luckily Handy J was visiting and got the old one sort of working, so Someone could have clean clothes for his trip and I can catch up on the mountain of wash that needs doing. A repair person is coming in the morning...poor fellow, he has no idea what kind of gremlins inhabit this house...

~~~~~

I will get it all done...I will get it all done...I will get it all done...

~~~~~

The Evil Genius is nine going on fourteen - where the heck did that attitude come from?

~~~~~

I miss Someone - only gone a few hours, but I miss him.

~~~~~

I'm watching Eddie Izzard and now my sides ache. Some hurts are good ones...

~~~~~

Is it silly that I asked Someone to leave me a shirt he's worn so I could put it on a pillow and hold it while I slept?