...the more they stay the same.
Ready for a bit of irony? Here we are in the first post since my little Facebook rant, and what am I doing? Posting a video that my Aunt posted on Facebook. Hah!! I hope the folks who made it don't mind too much...I felt compelled to nab it because they filmed it where I grew up, rode my bike, bought lobster rolls and coffee frappes (pronounced "frap", not "frappay"), and got half-eaten by mosquitoes and deer flies. Ah, good times.
So, take a look while I blather on down below:
I was watching this and thinking about how very long ago I was back there, in those woods, biking those same roads, past those same stone walls. I was thinking about a time when I could look at the future and feel a sense of wonder, of optimism, that anything was possible.
And then I realized that yeah, I never felt much optimism about my future. I was too busy believing the people who raised me when they told me, directly and indirectly, that I was stupid and useless because I could never quite manage to live up to what they wanted me to be - the best I could manage was to be myself, and that just wasn't enough.
As with the town where I grew up, not much has changed in my internal landscape; the feelings are the same, I'm just living somewhere else among different people now. Still being made to feel I'm not wanted, and stupid, and useless...just by a different cast of characters.
Right now, today, in this moment, I am thinking I'm done answering anything but "fine" when anyone asks how I am. Right now, today, in this moment, I am thinking that it would be best for me to say "nothing at all" when asked what's on my mind. It seems like anything other than "Everything's wonderful"is something of an imposition. I already feel like a useless time/energy/resource suck - I don't need to feel it any deeper. Right now, today, in this moment, I am wishing that I could somehow manage to cease existing, cease being worthless and unwanted in my own life, cease being such a fucking burden on everyone around me. Right now, today, in this moment, I am wishing I didn't feel like a fat, feckless, pointless waste if matter who just does everything wrong and gets in the way.
This is not about you, it's about me and my stupid misfiring neurons, the mental illness that never gives me a moment's peace (like my children, but far less cute and cuddly than they are).
If I made you feel bad, sorry - go watch the video again, it'll make you smile. Anyway, it made ME smile...
You're not useless. You're not a waste of space. As I sometimes say to myself and others around me "Just because you think that doesn't make it true." Try to remember that.
ReplyDeleteOh come on girl. You've got two beautiful kids, a man that's seems to be a good father and mate, a mother that is cool, from what I've read on her blog. This is called life, you just have to put your big girl panties on and deal with it day-to-day.
ReplyDeleteI was raised by two parents that loved me, but I could NEVER please or even hope to do ANYTHING right. Took me a very long time to realize that it was their problem, not mine. It is what it is.
I've been where you are, and the only advice I can give you is to hang on until the hormones straighten out, hang on until the baby stops nursing and you can get some medical help, just hang on. I know it is hard, and believe me, I know how painful it is. But the people in your life love you and need you, especially the little ones. So hang on for one more minute, hour, day.
ReplyDeleteYour phone rang my phone today, just one ring. I tried to ring you back but got your message instead and chose not to leave a message.
ReplyDeletePlease know the phone line is open and even if you need to say everything BUT "I'm fine and everything's wonderful", I'm here and happy to lend an ear.
I love this video. It made my day! Thanks!!
ReplyDelete