My brother has bought a new house. This is his fourth property - three in the US and a flat in England (near Brighton, I think) where they stay when they go over to escape Redneck Central summers and visit my sister-in-law's family. He and his family wanted a place they could keep their horse to save boarding fees, so they found a nice place in the country on five acres with a barn. I saw pictures this past weekend, and it looks lovely.
The other two houses have become rentals.
He works with computers, and I couldn't begin to explain what he does, except folks think he does it well enough to pay him to muck about with theirs, and some of it looks like he has to sacrifice a goat to the new moon to make it work.
Me?
Umm...
Well...
I can't help looking at my life, and his, and feeling a little...disappointing. I know that we are two very different people with different wants, needs, and priorities, but at the heart of it I think we share something common to ALL people, which is a desire to succeed, to do well for ourselves and our families. I can't help thinking I have failed, utterly.
I know I shouldn't compare. It's a habit born in childhood, when some of the most influential adults in my life would ask, shaking their heads, "Why can't you be more like...?", with the person named clearly better at something than I. My poor cousin Cindy was often the good example, and it's a wonder that I didn't grow up hating her...but it's difficult for me to hate someone simply because they are who they are - in her case, lovely, intelligent, and damned good at what she did/does. Admire? Respect? Sure. Hate or resent? Not so much.
Today I could tell them "Because I'm not... I'm ME!"
But "me" isn't enough. Me has no value. Me doesn't have houses and cars and horses and a bank account. Me doesn't do much besides fail...and the voices in my head like to point that out regularly.
So this week while my brother and his family work out what needs doing in the new house, moving dates, and the like...I am staring at two letters telling me another way I have failed - one from the state proclaiming that the insurance on one vehicle lapsed and I must re-insure it and pay a fine, the other from the insurance company telling me the other vehicle will be lapsed because payment is past due and they will be informing the state next week, which means I cannot legally drive and may have my license suspended.
41 years old and I still can't look at anything I have done and say "Hey, I succeeded at something!" Unless that something is fail spectacularly. Then I'm coming up roses.
I often think I must be the bad example. You know..."Eat your vegetables or you'll end up like...", or "Finish your homework or you'll wind up just like...", or "You don't want to be like...do you?
Sigh. Good to have a purpose, eh?
All I can say is, at least Mum got ONE good one. I'm glad he's doing well...
I got two good ones not just one! So there!
ReplyDeleteAs I started reading this, I could sense where you were going to go with this and I was so hoping you wouldn't. But you did, and I followed you, so let's sit a bit and chat it over, shall we?
ReplyDeleteI wish I knew why some follow the outward road of success so easily and well, and why others of us, try and try to walk that path and never get anywhere.
I went to a reader once, very highly respected who told me she was surprised at my financial woes as I was, "Meant to be quite wealthy in this time line." Well, somehow, I fell off that path....
I understand how you are felling. And, having been there, I also know there's no easy answer to this. But, one way I can tell you will definitely not help is what you are doing to yourSelf in this writing.
Spirit will never allow you to have more than you can handle, both good and bad. And, when you so totally overlook and diminish your worth, your value, your gifts, no more can come to you because you have not proved yourSelf a good steward of the current gifts.
There is so much about you to be wondered at, enjoyed, embraced, loved, celebrated. You voice, your spiritually based life, your Children, and for teaching them that success in life can look one way, like that of your brother, or it can be measured in joyfully and successfully living a life that takes the alternate road.
But, still, I understand when you hold those terrible papers in your hands how it is impossible to feel that. So, I can't take that fear away, but for just this moment, I can remind you of the truth of You, and perhaps that will give you the courage to continue.
Blessings upon you, Dear One.