A Letter

Dear Fellow Motorists,

Please forgive me if I jump right in here, but I have some things on my mind that I simply must share.

That lever? The one on the left side of the steering column? It's not just a place to hang your hat - when used correctly, it will actually tell other motorists that you intend to turn or make a lane change! I know! Such a novel concept! That's what the blinking yellow light on the back of my van means, by the way - that I intend to turn or change lanes. It's not an invitation to accelerate and take that space I'd like to occupy or to hover just off my flank in anticipation of claiming the spot I'm trying to vacate, thereby making it near impossible to vacate the space you want without knocking you into next week in the process.

Texting while driving is entertaining for all, it is best left to distracted teens with little experience behind the wheel.

Also, when the highway speed limit sign mentions a minimum speed, they aren't kidding. Maintaining a difference in speed of more than twenty miles per hour is fun, I know - we all love watching people slam on their brakes in a desperate attempt to keep from investigating the interior of another vehicle's exhaust pipe - but it's dangerous, and should be reserved instead for small, two lane roads with plenty of hills and blind curves for maximum effect.

Next time your friend breaks down on a small road with little clearance to either side at a well used railroad crossing, please consider carefully whether you really want to put your own vehicle into reverse and back into oncoming traffic, causing several of those approaching vehicles to take evasive action and several more to stop abruptly on those same railroad tracks with no way around you and unable to reverse off the tracks due to traffic build up. I know it's unreasonable, really, to hope you'd give it so much as a thought, but selfish as I am I cannot help asking that you not endanger me, my child, or my beloved Astro van like that again.

By the way, the added fun of the rapidly brightening train headlight was really very festive. I can honestly say I've never had such an interesting and illuminating drive home before. And when I rather rudely referred to some people being dumber than a bag of hammers as I eased onto the shoulder and around you, I assure you I meant no insult to those useful tools, so your gesture in defense of hammers everywhere was not strictly necessary.

In addition, I would like to point out that while I find the sudden need to use the brakes a stimulating test of my reflexes, perhaps you might leave more than a half inch between us when you rapidly change lanes on a dark, rainy highway because the truck in front of you is going two miles an hour slower than you'd like...especially when I am going fifteen miles per hour faster than you feel comfortable with. Next time, consider waiting until I have passed you and all that lovely, empty road behind me is yours for the taking. And? Really, it's best to leave a gap of at least two coats of paint between you and the vehicles around you. I have very good tires on my van, and they do their best, but my van and I both have large, heavy backsides, and sudden application of braking mechanisms causes us both to shimmy and occasionally fishtail, which may look like good times but really? Not so much.

Finally, please remember that the brightest setting on your headlights is well suited for signalling the mother ship or fooling wildlife into thinking the sun is suddenly up and brighter than usual...but is rather unpleasant in the eyes of oncoming traffic. Is it too much to ask that you dim the lights before my corneas are burned entirely out?

Thank you for your consideration. I wish you happy motoring...as long as I'm nowhere near where you're driving!