"Good news! Your roof has hail damage!..."
That's a lovely way to open a letter, no? No.
It is from one of our neighbors, who just happens to own a roofing business. We've had a hail storm or two lately (I'm not complaining - precipitation is precipitation, and every drop helps), and a roof or two may have been damaged as a result.
We don't have a leak - I'm constantly checking, because I am aware that hail can rearrange a roof quite nicely. Our roof is a little old and should probably be replaced in the next year or three, but it doesn't look any rougher than it was before - there are no shingles littering our yard, no tell-tale dark places where something has been relocated or removed by weather, no moist (that one's for you, Aunt Becky) spots on the ceiling or walls acting as harbingers of doom, or at least harbingers of the need for a new roof.
I haven't noticed anyone up there inspecting the surface, and given that our roof's three stories up and 1) inaccessible without a ladder or mad levitation skillz, 2) calls for a serious lack of acrophobia, 3) would result in a fair amount of larger-than-a-squirrel thumping unless the person is as stealthy as a Ninja (doubtful if they're being sensible and wearing work boots, because who goes up on a roof in Crocs or thos little Ninja slippers?), and 4) I'm home all the time, that's not the kind of thing I'd miss...is it? No one had recently been in the yard gazing upward with dollar signs in their eyes, either - I would notice that, because Bird announces visitors to Casa de Crazy with the enthusiasm a recently constipated octogenarian announces their latest bowel movement (no angry responses from octogenarians, constipated or otherwise, please - I can't read all that chicken scratch!) - seriously, he's better than an alarm!
I am guessing that the entire neighborhood got one of these cheerful letters.
I don't mind that someone is being proactive, looking for business, making ends meet - it's the opening of the letter that struck me: "Good news..."
Yeah, if you're a roofer!
"" ....because Bird announces visitors to Casa de Crazy with the enthusiasm a recently constipated octogenarian announces their latest bowel movement (no angry responses from octogenarians, constipated or otherwise, please - I can't read all that chicken scratch!) ""
ReplyDeleteOkay, okay, you are in big trouble now! I'm alerting every octogenarian I know of your indiscretion, er, irreverance, er, irrelevance? Oh, bother it all...
I'm so anal about roof leaking or pipes bursting that if I got a letter like this one I'd probably climbed my roof immediately and inspect it.
ReplyDeleteRachel, bring 'em on - they're old and frail, right? OK, really, my grandmother was still quite capable of kicking my butt when she was in her eighties...
ReplyDeleteChris, I am not a climbing-on-the-roof sort of person. Mine is three stories up (ask me how that's possible on a two storey house), and as gravity is not kind to the large, I will refrain from actually going up there. :-)