Brolly

Here is an old photograph of the now lost umbrella. Please ignore the madwoman beneath it - she is clearly in need of medicating and possibly a soft, quiet place to rest for a bit. She smiled at the camera only because she thought it was a teeth-whitening device, otherwise she never would have removed the paper bag. Really, just look at that hair - you'd think she'd been camping for almost a week with only a cold-water shower for washing in! She is squinting because she doesn't go out into the daylight much, and it confused her. She was wearing more than her usual jewellry, too, in an effort to distract passersby from her unfortunate extra chin, squint, and truly unbelievable hair errors.

Her enormous forehead is available for billboards, posters, or neon advertising (for a nominal fee, of course). Tattoos negotiable, but cost extra.

I look nothing like the woman in the picture. I am quite certain that I'm at least six inches taller and quite a few pounds heavier lighter than she is. My forehead could never pass for a message center, either. I can't see her arse in the photo, but I bet mine's bigger smaller. I only posted this because I she really liked that umbrella, and would like it back...or at least another just like it.

Should you happen to see an umbrella like this for sale somewhere, do let me know so the madwoman will have some shade to carry with her again. Or, should you see someone who looks nothing at all like the madwoman above walking about with such a bumpershoot, feel free to accost them, mug them for the brolly, and then scuttle home and ask me where to ship it.

The nice crazy lady and I would appreciate that.